The String of Moments Edition

Normally I only post on topics that would classify as goings-on updates. Lately I’ve felt led to go a little deeper. Please indulge me for a brief moment.

Sometimes I struggle with where God has me. If I should’ve learned anything this past year and a half it is that God works in the minutia. His plan for me is a string of moments, not one grand gesture. As I watch Zoe grow, I fall more in love with her each day. I realize how blessed I am with the privilege of being her mommy.

I know you’re wondering where the struggle is. As an only child, I had always dreamed that I would have more than one child. I wanted my children to know siblings because I never did. Then I was told I would have a hard time getting pregnant; that my chances of miscarriage were great because of a hormone condition. In my early 20s I prepared for a life without children.

When I married N we decided to try almost immediately. Yet I was unconvinced that it would happen. I called fertility clinics to see what the guidelines were and the chances of someone with my condition would have to conceive. I was always told that we had to try for at least a year before we could come to them. So I prepared myself for a long road.

God had a different plan for me. It was surprisingly easy to get pregnant. All those high school health class teachers really did know what they were talking about! I loved being pregnant. I loved the nausea. I loved the weight gain and leg cramps. I loved every trip to the bathroom. I loved feeling Zoe move. It meant I was going to be a mother. Her mother. It meant for a short 9 months I could provide for her every need. I knew her.

I prayed daily for her. I prayed daily for me to be the mommy God wanted me to be. Then I learned what it was like to praise God in that storm. He carried us. He gave us both life that day.

I realize I’m still in a storm. I will never again experience the nausea, the weight gain, the leg cramps, the multiple trips to the bathroom or the flutter of an unborn child. God’s plan for me doesn’t include more children.

Please don’t read this wrong. Zoe is perfect. She is everything I prayed for and then some. I wouldn’t trade a moment of my time with her for anything. I'm having to learn to let go of my dreams, my desires and let God take control. Do I understand why this is His plan for me? No. Do I trust that He has a reason? Yes.

I heard a pastor ask, “do we interpret God through our circumstances or do we believe that He is who He says He is?” I pray God helps me understand who He is more each day. I pray He helps me let go of my desires, my dreams. I pray He helps me give Him the helm and to enjoy the ride. Each moment in my string of moments that He has already planned for me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”

I Peter 1:8 - Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.