When God Shows Up

These past 2 years have been a turning point in my faith.  I am at a place in my walk with God I never knew existed.  There are times where His presence is felt so strongly, I'm positive I'll blink and He'll be standing before me.  There are times where I don't feel that, so deeply desire it and realize it's my sin that keeping that from occurring.

I guess I've never been more aware of my sin, His grace, His mercy and His love like I am right now.

The results of this are too numerous to count.  What I love most about this place of faith is how aware I am of Him.  I fell like He speaks to me in the most odd ways.

This week I'm on the road working.  I'm meeting with retirement plan participants to discuss how credit card debt works and how to get out of it.  I tell them that they have been programmed to believe they need credit card debt to "build their credit" or "in case of emergencies."  Retail stores, banks, commercials, others all tell us this.  Yet they are lies for these businesses to make money.

This morning I have been asking God to show me His purpose in my life.  There are circumstances in this world that absolutely make my skin crawl.  I get frustrated and stressed because these things just aren't right.

Then He takes my words and uses them:

*this world is broken and it will never be fair

*you believe the lie, the myth that it should be fair

*your attitude isn't shining my Light, my Love on those around you, you are just adding to the lie

*this world needs Me, not fairness, but My grace, My mercy, My love

Sometimes the ways He humbles me is...well humbling!

Rebuilt on the Cornerstone

This past year has been a huge lesson for me on faith.  Everything I thought I knew has been torn down, rebuilt, torn down, rebuilt, etc.  You get the idea.  I have been made aware of strongholds in my life and God has used a scalpel to extract that sin. 

I have hurt.

I have bled.

I have been completely broken.

Yet, the beauty that has come from this is awesome. 

I am so thankful to God that He loves me so much that He continues to work in me. 

Through this He has also shown me the effects of sin.  I don’t say this to claim that I am without sin.  He uses others in my life to shine a mirror on my sin.  What I see in other people, I try to evaluate in myself.  It is a humbling exercise.

In this past month I had a front-row seat to the devastating effects of hate and selfishness.  I have seen the hardening of hearts and witnessed the aftermath.  It is nothing short of absolute devastation.  It’s not just the personal devastation; it’s the complete annihilation of relationships for generations. 

A year ago my father-in-law lied.  He created an illusion, preyed on our emotions, so he could secretly divorce my mother-in-law.  I tracked him down, through his lies, because I knew the name of his mistress.

For the last year I’ve watched the devastating effect of his choices on those around him.  There is a loss of trust, relational division, anger, bitterness, resentfulness, and lies.  Each word that has been uttered has seemed like another layer of lies.

It is at times like this that I see unfairness.  He got married this weekend to his mistress.  There are pictures of smiling faces, of celebration, of joy. 

The photos you don’t see are piles of tissues soaked in our tears, scars that mark our hearts, and the tiny fissures that pierce our trust of others. 

I feel like we have been laid bare in the desert.  We are hurt, we are bleeding, and we are completely broken.  We are exposed. 

Yet…

there is healing from hurts that go even beyond this incident.

relationships are growing stronger, deeper, more meaningful.

hope is starting to flicker.

We are being rebuilt on the Cornerstone.  With that foundation, there is a future, there is Hope and there is Peace. 

I Peter 2:6 – “For in Scripture it says; ‘See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious Cornerstone, and the one who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.’”

This Stage of Life

I am a lover of all things theatrical.  However, I absolutely avoid relational drama.  There are so many sayings about “avoid the drama” or “remove the drama” from your life for more peace.  The more I think about this, the more I realize that life has drama.  Some of the best plays are based on the drama of life.  People who back-stab, health tragedies, poor choices, love, unrealistic expectations, prejudices…they are all the foundation for some great plays. 

It is the dramatic that I wish to avoid.  Some synonyms for dramatic include:

Sensational

Emotional

Sudden

Artificial

I think what is the hardest for me with the dramatic is that as suddenly as it occurs, the cause of it ends, but the emotions linger.  Then you have the rubble left over from that one moment in time.  What is the purpose of dramatic people?  Is it to evoke you to their cause?  Perhaps, but I think it goes farther than that.  As a society, we live in the dramatic as a way to excuse our emotions. 

Suddenly if someone wrongs me, I have every right to lash out in anger.  If I am given bad news, I have every right to live in pity and have the focus on me.  I can be bitter and resentful because this news just isn’t fair.

I’m not saying that I don’t have these emotions, but I now find them draining.  I’ve gotten some really ugly health news in my life.  I was sad and I did have a pity party.  It didn’t change the reality of what happened.  It didn’t change the reality of what I have to live with.  Instead that pity party I had only distracted from the real truth:  God knew this was going to happen and promised to be my refuge and strength. 

Instead I had made an idol out of my own emotions, hiding in the selfishness of them. 

When I was looking for the synonyms of dramatic, one antonym kept popping up:  calm. 

Calm also means restful, at peace and still.  Psalm 46:10 keeps coming up in my life, “be still and know that I am God.”  One of Christ’s names is Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6).  I do not think this is coincidence. 

As I study the character qualities of God, I am reminded that He is the opposite of dramatic.  I am challenged to be real, to share emotions, but to leave the dramatic flair behind.  We are called to share this life with each other, but we are also called to hold one another accountable.  There is no excuse that makes lashing out in anger okay.  There is no excuse to holding onto bitterness or resentfulness.  These are only used to distract me from who God is and the peace that comes with knowing Him. 

Today I am reminded to leave the drama to the actors.

Happy Father's Day

The older I get, the more I realize there are many moments in life that take my breath away.  Today I want to focus on one person that takes my breath away on a daily basis.

This man God had for me is amazing.

The more I spend this life with him, the more amazing I realize he is.  He is, quite simply, perfect.  I’m not saying he is without mistake, because that would just be unreal.  In our family, we only do real.  He is everything I prayed for and all the things only God could know I would need.

He is Godly, always striving to follow God’s plan rather than his own.

He is patient when the situation is oozing with frustration.

He is resilient, strong, and brave.

He is free from chains of sin that used to hold him down.

He is an example to our girls of what a man should be, how they should be treated, and of unconditional love.

He is an example to me of perseverance and unconditional love.

He is my teammate and a rock in this life.

He is smart, thoughtful, and kind.

He is funny, charming, and completely beguiling. 

He is in need of grace and mercy, which he knows and in turn shows grace and mercy to others.

When life hits him with difficulties, he prays and then faces it head-on.

N thank you for making this life interesting.  Thank you for encouraging me, holding my hand, and showing unconditional love.  Thank you for showing our girls what a Godly man is and all the grace, mercy, and love you bestow upon them.  You have given all of us a safe place to land.  You are amazing and each day you take my breath away. 

Happy Father’s Day my love. 

The False Eyelash Scare

It is the end of the school year.  We made it through 1st grade with flying colors.  The last 6 weeks have included:

• Musical Drama Club where Zoe was a mime - completely amazing performance
• Passing her second AWANA book and receiving an award ribbon for it
• A trip to Spokane to get my mom's house on the market - includes building a deck, painting the outside of the house, replacing a dishwasher, electrical outlets, packing, moving, and dumping loads of garbage
• End of year homework
• Dance recital necessities - underwear, make-up, tights, tickets for the recital so Zoe wasn't performing for her imaginary family!
• Awards day - Zoe got a character award for orderliness.  She likes to know what's happening, how to do things and where everyone should be.  Bless her teacher's heart for recognizing a gift that God has given our girl
• Summer activity coordination - swim lessons, acting class, dance class, dance camps, tennis lessons, VBS...
• Field Day participation - my legs are still sunburned
• Rollerskating field trip
• Dentist appointment to get cavities filled and a tooth "wiggled out" (bless those dentists and their understanding of kid fear.  They were so amazing Zoe has no clue how they actually numb her mouth!)
• Dance pictures and recital prep

The last one on the list gave me actual anxiety.  We have a large sheet of paper about recital make-up.  We had specific requirements for what colors, what brands and what all she needs.  Essentially I have made my child look like those Toddlers and Tiaras reality show kids.  According to the paperwork, because she's in preparatory classes, she doesn't need false eyelashes. 

WHAT?!?  False eyelashes? 

The paper said, "we recommend practicing with them prior to the day of the recital.  If you need instruction, please bring them to class and we can help you."

Because I wear tinted moisturizer as a foundation, don't even wear mascara most of the time, and have only worn false eyelashes at my wedding, I'm going to be that parent who needs False Eyelashes 101.

Apparently the kids a couple levels above Zoe, who are like 8, have to wear false eyelashes.  I thought we'd be home free for another year on that false eyelash thing.  NOPE!  Zoe is such a natural at dance, she's skipping preparatory II classes and going straight to false eyelash-wearing dance-naturals class, which is an ironic statement.

Here is my child who, despite the pounds of make-up, can still shine through.

I'm absolutely proud of this kiddo.  She is a friend to all, willing to try, faces fears with a brave heart and loves with all that she is.  God sure has blessed me.

In The Vortex

Do you ever have those times where you’re sure this moment in time is what is going to lead your child straight into therapy when they’re adults?

This week month is full of mom failure. 

Those therapists can thank me later.

We have approximately 6,452,714 things to do with end of year activities.  Around item #3, I start to go glassy-eyed and go to my happy place.  I actually woke up at 3:00 am vaguely remembering an e-mail about dance recital tickets and buying them before they sell out.  I had a mild panic attack that I forgot the date and Zoe would be performing for her imaginary family. 

This is the kind of stress that end-of-year brings.  It’s been testing weeks at school, so I have mild panic attacks during the day that consist of:

Did we have homework last night?  Did I pack her lunch?  Did I pack a snack?  Did she even have shoes on today?  She wanted to wear her dangly earrings and I got busy packing her lunch.  Praise God she got food, but I did forget the earrings.  Then the rest of the day is being concerned that I forgot her earrings and this will make her day the worst day in the history of ever.  Oh the drama!  When that happens, the Holy Spirit has to work on overdrive so there is patience and understanding that only divine intervention can bring and both Zoe and I live to see the next morning.

While I’m trying to process all these “did I” questions, I’m making lists to schedule the hair appointment, the dog grooming appointment (we discovered he’s molting, like losing chunks of winter coat and hello disgusting), buy tickets for the children’s theater play, make the grocery list, make the Costco list, try to remember what days we signed up for snacks, and all the appointments and lists keep coming into my brain.

At this very moment, I’d like to honor parents who have more than one, little person they care for.  We have women in our church with 6 or 7 children, plus they homeschool.  When I think about all they have to remember, I put the title Saint in front of their name.  Bless them.  God has given them many gifts that I am totally in awe of.  Totally in awe of. 

Sometimes I think God has a funny sense of humor.  During all this chaos and activity, He’s blessed me with allergies.  These aren’t normal because even though we’ve come through the Polar Vortex, we are now in the Allergy Vortex.  At this very moment all the alder and birch pollen within a 1,000 mile radius has taken up residence in my sinus vortex and momma can’t think, let alone stay awake for very long. 

When you add this all together you can call this the Mom Failure Vortex.  It is where good intentions meet reality.

Lately I’ve been feeling as though I’m running 100 miles per hour and not getting anywhere.  I feel behind and edgy and that I’m not giving my best.  My people suffer when I’m like this.  I’ve been feeling discouraged. 

Then I read this:

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deut. 31:8)

I promise you, the Holy Spirit has my number on speed dial.  Bless my vortex.

And I came home to a husband who did the dishes and cleaned the showers. 

Somehow it all came into perspective.  Nothing came off my list and none of the responsibilities diminished.  However, in the midst of it all, I had Hope and Joy.  All remnants of discouragement vanished. 

Bless my vortex indeed.