Miracles Despite My Unbelief

As we enter the Christmas season, I am overwhelmed by God’s love for me.  This past year God has shown His great love for me in a multitude of ways.  He continues to show me my sin and all the habits that make that sin my default behavior.  He hasn’t condemned me, but instead whispered encouragement and surrounded me with love and peace as He shows me new ways to live in this world. 

The biggest, tangible blessing has been in the form of reconciliation and mended relationships.  For years I’ve prayed for the relationship with my step-daughters to be all that God desired it to be.  This year, when all hope of a relationship with them diminished, God showed me that my hope hadn’t been in Him, but instead I put hope in me and my plans.  Then He showed me all that He was capable of. 

It is overwhelmingly gorgeous. 

Every hope, every tearful plea, every heartfelt desire for our relationship has been given.  I praise His holy name!  For the first time, in our entire marriage, it feels like we are a family.  There is unity, there is laughter, there is communication, there are hugs and kisses, there are cuddles, and there is unconditional love. 

So many times I sit before Jesus, begging, pleading for this or that.  So many times I ask without really believing He can or will do it.  Yet, time and time again, He shows Himself to me despite my unbelief.  I am so grateful that Jesus became a man and understands our human weakness. 

I was reading in Mark, chapter 9.  There is a story of a father who brings his son to Jesus.  The father tells Jesus that his son is possessed by a spirit that doesn’t allow the boy to speak and makes him convulse, foam at the mouth, and grind his teeth.  The spirit had tried to kill the boy with fire and drowning.  The disciples couldn’t drive out the spirit.  The father asks Jesus if he can do anything.  Jesus tells the father this, in verses 23-24, “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”  Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Whatever we face, whether it be grief, stress, relationship issues, financial burdens, health crisis, despair, enter what you’re facing here, Jesus is bigger than it.  He is absolutely able to do more than we can imagine.  I’ve seen it with my own eyes, time after time, this year.  May He continue to help me overcome my unbelief. 

In every situation. 

For all the days He blesses me with.

The God Who Sees

Yesterday was hard.

I quit my job in April to work in ministry and was beyond excited and had full peace that it was what God was calling me to do.  One week later, my current job countered and promised some things.  God gave me peace about staying, He showed me that He was testing my faithfulness.  Was I willing to leave the good pay, the comfort of what I know and follow Him where He was leading?  I was and still am.

Some of those promises that were part of the counter-offer were immediate and instantly stress was lifted off my plate.  New stress entered, but it was the kind of stress that would get me to the place I wanted to be.  It would give me the position and the responsibilities that I have been working toward and, in many respects, already doing.  One week ago I got a promotion!  That wasn't even one of the promises.

The final promise from April just now happened.  Yesterday.

Yesterday was hard.

As I sat in my manager's office, listening to the information, I cried.

This whole process has been about refining my control.  By refining, I mean totally obliterating it.  God has wanted me at His throne, realizing His power, His plan, Him.  It's been such an amazing lesson and much needed.

Yesterday He told me that my goals, while good, are not His goals for today.  As I went home, I cried and I opened a book I've been reading.  It is on the floor, tears streaming down my face in the middle of the ugly cry, where I met God.  He is El Roi (row-hee), the God who sees.

In Genesis 16 Hagar is the servant of Sarai and Abram.  Sarai cannot conceive, so she tells Abram to sleep with her servant Hagar and get her pregnant so he will have a son.  Abram does it.  Hagar gets pregnant.  Sarai gets mad and takes it out on Hagar, who flees into the desert.

There Hagar meets God and calls Him El Roi because He saw her, saw her pain, saw her mistreatment, and shows her His plan for her.

It was such a beautiful hug that El Roi gave me.  He saw me in that office, He saw my expectations, and He saw them shatter.  He also sees His plan, His purpose and all the things that it's not my time to know.

As I prayed this morning that God would go into the office before me, He laid my manager on my heart to seek her out and ask her how she was.  When I did that, God showed me His plan for this.  Because my God is the same God who sees her pain, her struggles, her need for someone to ask her how she's doing.

If He had answered my prayers and met my expectations, I wouldn't have seen His plan, His child who needed someone to care, Him.

I praise El Roi, the God who sees.  May He find favor in His servant whom He sees.

"You will not have to fight"

“Our God is so big, so strong and so mighty.  There’s nothing our God cannot do.”

These song lyrics are in my head this morning.  As a Christian, I give my requests to God with full knowledge that He is able to do the impossible.  I’ve seen it countless times in the lives of our friends and family.

Yet, I’m still always amazed at how He works in my own life.  The God who created the entire universe would hear my cry and love me so very much to answer.

This weekend we faced a battle.  We have experienced the battle countless times (actually once already in the last two weeks) and we were gearing up for it (again!).  Instead of just praying for protection and help, we prayed that God would completely eliminate the situation and soften hearts. 

You know what God did?   

He eliminated the issue. 

He softened hearts. 

You know what else He did? 

He showed us His power. 

I’m facing a personal battle.  It’s a HUGE battle.  Every day I’m in a mental battle to keep my focus on Him and not the problem.  Every day I’m in a mental battle to seek the Holy Spirit for my words and actions and not me.  Every day I’m trying to figure out how to control my emotions and just give them to God.  Every day I need God’s sovereign help to avoid bitterness, resentfulness, anger, and pity.

Every.single.day.

I’m growing weary.  I’m growing tired.  I’m growing discouraged. 

Then God shows up. 

In 2 Chronicles 20 Jehoshephat is facing a battle.  As the enemy approaches, God tells Jehoshephat to go to the battle tomorrow, but they will not have to fight.  As Jehoshephat and his men arrive for the battle, they see in the field before them their enemy.  Every single one of them is dead.  The enemy killed themselves.  

Friends, God showed up to our battle the same way this weekend.  He heard our cry, knew our situation and hearts, and took care of the battle.  He softened a hard heart so we would not have to fight.

In this battle that I’m still facing, I learned something very encouraging:

God doesn’t need my help to fight. 

He can absolutely, unequivocally handle any battle by Himself.  The only times I have to fight are the times when He wants to teach me something.

In the midst of this difficult battle, in the midst of my weariness, my focus is no longer on the battle, but instead on Him. 

What are you teaching me today Lord?  Help me to be an attentive child, wholly focused on You, Your plan, and purpose for my life.  May I glorify You in my desire of knowing You more.

The Value of Words

Over the past few weeks I’ve caught two people lying to me.  In both instances they’ve lied about inconsequential things.  One told me they were married when they are actually getting married next month.  The other told me they by chance ran into someone, but I know they actually had plans with this person.

It makes me wonder why lie about a fact that is so inconsequential.  Why tell me you’re married when you’re not yet?  Why tell me that you by chance ran into someone when you actually had plans with them?  I don’t get the purpose of the lie. 

The truth is we all lie at some point in our lives.  Most of the time I lie because I’m trying to make myself look better.  I left late and tell people “traffic was horrible”.  I’m lying because I think it makes me look better because it’s not me just being late.  I also lie because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.  “No that dress looks amazing on you.” 

Even these “little, white lies” impact the value of my words.  If I tell someone a dress looks amazing on them and really another style is flattering, will they trust my answers going forward?  If I use the traffic excuse and I’m late every time, people will know I’m lying eventually!

These lies that I’ve heard may be over inconsequential facts, but they make me question everything these people have ever told me.  If they can so easily lie about little things, what big things are they lying about?  I no longer trust them. 

Then I begin to wonder how many people don’t trust me.  How many times have I been caught in a “little, white lie”?  How many times have I promised to do something and don’t follow through?  Isn’t that the same as lying?

God brings me to this verse:

Matthew 5:37 “All you need to say is simply ‘yes’ or ‘no’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

Usually this verse is used when people promise or swear an oath, but I really believe it’s more than that.  It goes down to the intention of my heart behind the words I speak.  Do I promise something knowing that I have no intention of ever doing that?  Do I tell a lie because my intention is to never look bad? 

God gently tells me that by doing this, it’s for the evil one.  If my words have no value, it’s because I’ve given into the evil one’s temptation.  Trust is a beautiful, precious gift.  It grieves me that I may have lost trust because of my choices and it grieves me that it is lost because of other’s choices. 

Our words are a window to our intentions.  Our intentions are the mirror of our hearts.  I challenge you to ask yourself:  what words are coming out of my heart?

That question has convicted me this week.  I praise God for that.  The more we shine His Light into our sin, the less that sin has any power over us. 

The Puzzle Piece

Have you ever done a 1,000 piece puzzle?  The pieces are small and sometimes you’re looking for a small dot of color to know that piece connects to the one in your hand.  With a puzzle that large, you rely on the picture to know where the pieces go.    

Five weeks ago I was a pitiful mess.  I was depressed, overwhelmed, burdened, and completely hopeless.  To be candid, I actually had thoughts that everyone would be better off without me.  Those thoughts weren’t to the point of suicide, but they were thoughts of destruction. 

It took a business trip, far away and completely alone in an unknown place for me to hear the gentle whisper of God.  As I stood in the tall Redwoods and on the coast of the Pacific Ocean, I heard God so very clearly.  I cried out to Jehovah Rapha for healing from my unbelief. 

I came back home with hope.  After spending two weeks in repentance and prayer, God spoke to me.  Often times I have this mental image that life is a puzzle that only God can see the picture of.  I’m staring down at all the pieces, trying to know what picture I’m creating. 

In three days God walked beside me and showed me what I needed to connect this small piece of the puzzle to the next.  While I still have no idea what the puzzle looks like when finished, I know He’s connected two of the pieces together.

Here’s the best part.  I still have the exact same stressors.  I still have the same busy schedule.  I still have all the same things in my life that can make that overwhelmed feeling crash down on me.  Yet, my life isn’t the same.  I now know that I struggle with unbelief.  I struggle with my human nature that needs to know the finished puzzle picture before I start on the piecing. 

It is the realization of my unbelief that has changed my life.  We serve a God who can speak 4 words and create light out of nothing.  We serve a God who can be in two places at once and know everything that is going on in both places at all times.  We serve a God who knows the numbers of hairs on my head and holds my tears in His hands.  We serve a God who can raise people from the dead.  We serve a God who can feed thousands with just a few fish and a couple loaves of bread.  We serve a God who created me in His image and loves me so much He sacrificed His son for me.  We know a God who knows the intentions of my heart and still shows me His grace and mercy.  We serve the God who is the Most High God.  Nothing and no one is greater or more powerful than our God.

Yet, there are times I don’t believe He would use that power in my life.   Slowly, ever so slowly, God is showing me just how deep my unbelief is.  He absolutely would and does use His power in my life.  It is my own unbelief that keeps my eyes from seeing.  I praise Jehovah Rapha for His healing.  My eyes are being cleared and my El Elyon (the Most High God) is smiling down, guiding me as He creates my life’s puzzle.