Christmas Program

Last night was Zoe's school Christmas program.  She has been talking for weeks about being a dove in the program and she couldn't wear glitter or heels.  We received a letter that the boys would be wearing red ties and the girls needed a fancy dress.  Zoe was beyond excited to get some more miles out of her favorite blue, twirly dress. 

The program was held at a local church.  Two of Zoe's classmates are members of the church and their dads are pastors there.  She was beyond excited to go to Addy's and Caleb's church for her Christmas concert! 

When we got there, we found her awesome teacher Mrs. Wood and some of her classmates.

What's funny is a little girl in the back totally photobombed me! 

Aren't they so cute all dressed up and ready to perform?  Knowing this was her second to last day with these wonderful people made me a little teary all night.  These are, quite simply, some of the best people I've ever had the privilege of knowing.  These children love each other like family.  Their parents genuinely care about each of our families and we all get along!  Mrs. Wood...there is not enough words to describe how incredible she is.  God has truly blessed her with a gift for teaching.  I am so blessed that she was Zoe's teacher.

The kids sang a song called "The Friendly Beasts."  It's about the animals in the stable being the first to welcome the Son of God to earth that night.  Zoe's part was the dove!



Because I have an "in" with the pastor's wife, I got second row to take these pictures of our girl.  When she spotted me, she waved and gave me this smile. 

Throughout the night I watched as families beamed with pride for their kiddos.  Absent was N.  While leaving these beautiful people is going to be hard, I'm beyond excited to share future events with him.  I know this is where God is leading us. 

Space Bubbles

On the weekends we have D & E over, we have to get a bit creative on the sleeping arrangements in my mom's 3 bedroom house.  It works out that Zoe has a slumber party with my mom while D & E sleep in Zoe's room.

This weekend Zoe was in with grandma and had this conversation:

Zoe:  Grandma, did you know in school we talk about bubbles?

G-ma:  Really?

Yeah, space bubbles.  Everyone has one and you're not supposed to go into other people's space bubble because you don't want it to pop.

That's a good thing to remember.

It is because you're in my space bubble.

(hides her laugh)  I'm so sorry.  *rolls over*

(minutes pass)  Grandma?

Yes?

I have too much space now.  I'm kinda afraid of the dark.  Do you see the space between me and the wall and me and you?  It's too much.

(Grandma rolls over)

That is so much better!

A Glimpse Into Her Future

This weekend my mom had her quilt group Christmas party.  She was planning to play Bunco.  Because you need a certain amount of people for Bunco, she invited Zoe and me to the party.  It was held at her community's clubhouse, so it's about 5 blocks up the road from her house. 

That usually means Zoe can ride in the front seat because it's not on main roads, just the community roads of the development.  Zoe LOVES that part.

After the party, she asked if I could put her booster seat in the front and buckle her in that way she could see out the windows.  She turned the whole ride into something hilarious.

She was the mommy, I was the daddy driving the car and we had an imaginary kid in the back.  She started to read my Pampered Chef catalog.

(not sure why the photo won't flip the right way.)

This was our conversation:

Zoe:  (talking to our imaginary child) Sweetie, we had to go all the way to downtown and it's going to take awhile to get home.  Just be patient.

(talking to me) Honey, can you believe this traffic?  It's going to take us forever.  Did you see this pizza pan for the BBQ?  We should totally get that!

Me:  I like that.  We should get that.  Are you planning lots of BBQ's for us? 

Should we look at lights on the way home?

For real?  Like we're going to take the real, long way home to look at lights?

Yes for real.  Want to drive around for a bit and look at lights near Grandma's house?

YES!!!!  (talking to our imaginary child) Sweetie, do you want to see some Christmas lights?  What?  You have to go to the bathroom?  Daddy, is there a bathroom around here?

I don't think so.

Sweetie, can you try to hold it?  Do you need to go in the car?

Go in the car?  That's not an option!  Daddy's do not allow that to happen!

Then we started looking at Christmas lights and our imaginary child that needed to use the restroom was forgotten.  It was the most fun car ride I think I've ever had.  I can only imagine the wife she'll be.  I'm a little concerned that she'll be the mom that lets her children use the car as their bathroom.  At least we've got time before I have to worry about that.

It Is Only the Beginning

The other day my cell phone rang.  It showed my mom's number.  When I answered, Zoe was on the line.  She had some questions about dinner. 

I found out that she got a cell phone book.  It's pink and says "Princess" on it.  Basically it's the same as a phone book, but she really doesn't know people, other than Grandma, that have landlines.  It's now a cell-phone book.

She's put all her people's names in the book. 

She also knows how to dial a phone...as long as it's a local number.  She's not too sure about long distance.

N and I have been getting calls.  All. The. Time!

It's super sweet.  It's usually to say she's thinking about me and loves me. 

On Sunday, N got about 5 calls about being loved and missed.

Who knew a cell phone book would be such a blessing.  It's way better than texting!

That's not the door we were expecting

Since we're moving in less than 50 days, we thought we should find a place to live.  Just a minor detail.

On Saturday, N and I went in search of the perfect rental house for our family.  That would give us space, but also time to get a lay of the land in our new city.  The first two rentals weren't really for us due to size.  However, the third rental was perfect.  Big enough for our family and in a great community that has walking trails, an 18-hole golf course, two ponds, playgrounds, tennis courts, basketball courts AND a swimming pool.  Hello lover!

N and I decided to drive around the neighborhood and get a feel for the area before we committed to anything.  About 6 houses up the road from the rental was a house for sale.  We decided to take a look and see what expensive area we would be living in. 

This house is 2,192 sq feet, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths plus a den.  It also has a fairly good sized back yard.  Did I mention it's new construction?  Like never been lived in.

I was expecting to see $250,000-$280,000 on the "Take Me!" page on the for sale sign.  To my absolute delight it was under $200,000.  That would mean it's in our price range.

With access to a community pool.  AND tennis.  AND basketball.  AND golf.  AND walking trails. 

Isn't it totes cute?  (That means "totally cute" for people without teenagers)

In a way that only God can orchestrate, we went to a perfect rental and fell in love with the house that was for sale. 

For less than $20 more a month, we can pay to buy this house rather than rent.  In His perfect plan, He slammed shut the doors that weren't His plan and opened wide the doors that He has for us.

That has been the absolute story of this move.  In many ways, we're stepping out in faith.  Despite how unworthy we are, He is always faithful, always good.  His love is unconditional.  We are completely blessed beyond any of our hopes.   

It's Amazing to Watch God in Action

As you know, N and I live apart during the week.  He spends Sunday evening - Thursday evening working at the dam.  I spend that time with Zoe here in Spokane.  For about 7 months we've been feeling like we HAVE to be together NOW!  We even use shouty capitals in our thoughts.

There is always 612 things that bring anxiety when we would talk about things:

1) What about Zoe's school?
2) What about a little thing I call a job?
3) What about our obligations at church?
4) What about the older girls?
5) What about Zoe's care?  My mom does that now, so I'd have to find daycare and what if I pick the wrong one and she gets hurt in some way? 

Then the rollercoaster of anxiety would carry me up the big hill and send me crashing into a ball of flames that made me only want to think of good things like rainbows and unicorns.

We spent much time in prayer.  At the end of summer I was told about an opening at an investment firm in the Tri-Cities.  I was overqualified, but I figured I'd apply and see where that led.

It led to them telling me that I was overqualified for the position, but they had an opening for the exact same job I do now.  The exact same job!  They only needed to create the job first.  For the last three months we've been talking and they've been creating.  N and I have been praying.  In the last three months things have happened to eliminate all my anxiety:

1) We found a Christian school in the Tri-Cities that is identical to Zoe's school here.  They have an opening.  We've applied. 

2) I've got the job that I love to do with the added bonus of a raise!

3) Our church is going through a split.  It's ugly.  It's saddening.  A large part of me grieves for my church home of the last 28 years.  It's definitely God's way of telling all of us, even my mom, that it's time to go.

4) We've been in a battle over the older girls for the last 10 months.  Without saying too much, we got word last week that all this will be resolved in the next two-three weeks. 

5) My mom found out that she can work from anywhere in Washington state.  She's moving too.  Zoe's routine will remain the same, which is what I worried most about.  She cries when she outgrows clothes, so I can only imagine what a move to another house in another city is going to do to her!

I'm awed by Him, His plan and His love.  He knew my anxieties and He's answered every one of my prayers.  While I know this move will not be easy in many ways, I also know, without question, that this is where God is leading us. 

Now comes the fun part!  It's Christmas, we're planning a two-prong move (N from the house we're renting now that isn't big enough and us from Spokane), and we're all going to be starting anew.  None of that worries me.  He will continue to open wide the doors to His plan. 

My Twi-Heart is Happy

This weekend, between Disney on Ice (posting pictures soon), cooking a memorial dinner for some friends who lost a family member much too early and church business, I had time to see Breaking Dawn Part 2.

I love the books.  I love them so much that I've read them at least 5 times.  I do think they get a little bizarre at the end, but they're sci-fi, that's what happens.

You can imagine my trepidation about this movie.  There is a child that is...less than human. 

I was blown away with how well they did it, how well they honored the book and how they ended the series.

I still refuse to watch the Twilight movie.  It was a shame to the series.  These last 4 movies make this very old Twi-hard very happy.

Smiling is Our Thing

A few weeks ago we went to get family pictures taken.  One of the local co-op groups does a fundraiser.  You get professional pictures for less than a tank of gas and all money goes to their co-op.  We met at a beautiful park and had a blast. 

N LOVED it because I didn't have rules about what everyone should wear.  I didn't care if we matched.  I just wanted everyone to wear their favorite outfit or something they were comfortable in.  N's response was as excited as if I said he was going to meet George Lucas. 

One of the things that N really, really, really wanted to do was hold the girls on his shoulders.  You have to understand, they are 13, 11 and 5.  D is almost as tall as me and E isn't too far behind.

He did it!

You can't get much bigger smiles then that!

She Wants To Be Everything

October usually includes about 612 different ideas of what to be for Halloween.  It starts out with ideas that we are all part of a theater troupe and we need to coordinate.  Zoe has planned for us to be The Avengers, gnomes, different vegetables so we could be a salad family, etc. 

Then it morphs into what she specifically wants to be.  We've had ideas to be a fairy, a princess fairy, a princess, etc.

Honestly, even though it's thee day, I'm not entirely sure what she's going to pick for tonight's harvest party at church.  Last Friday was the harvest party at school.  All the kids had to dress as a fruit, vegetable or farmer.  Originally Zoe wanted to be a granny smith apple because those are her favorite.  I had an idea in my head and about 30 minutes before I was to buy the supplies, she changed her mind to a carrot.  Which, in all honesty, was MUCH easier.  I needed some orange felt, some tan thread, green felt, green thread, a pipecleaner and a head band.  And voila!

I have absolutely no idea why this picture is sideways.  I cannot, for the life of me, get it to change.  Sorry about that.

She decided she wanted to be a baby carrot, so we took some of her fake corn, poke a stick into the bottom, filled it with rice and now she's a baby carrot.  The whole corn thing was a daddy idea.  I think for the first time, we've all had a hand in her outfit. 

We were all geared up to do the Pumpkin Pacer race on Saturday.  It's a costumed race.  She was going to be a carrot and I was going to be a rabbit.  She's not the only one with ideas for family costumes.

Thursday night I came down with a cold.  The race was out for me, but I was so excited for our carrot to do her thing.

20 minutes to show time...she changed her mind.

She wore the same M&M costume from last year.  The only difference this year, she ran the entire course and beat out a small cow!  Yeah for Zoe!

Now onto today.  She's planning to be a fairy at her ballet class this afternoon, but is still undecided about the party tonight.  She's goign to see how she feels.  Considering she has about 612 choices, it could be a long process.

What Has 8 Wheels and All Her Bones in Tact?

This weekend we spent time with three of my favorite girls.  For months they've been asking to go rollerskating.  Finally this weekend it seemed to work out that we could strap on the wheels and roll to the music (while praying we didn't fall down and break a hip or something).  I used to be a roller skating maniac.  I LOVED it.  Probably because it was the one sport that I could actually do.  After 24 years out of the game, I was a little concerned about going.  Here's my entourage:

D - she's only 13 people.  I'm not sure, I'm positive she looks about 21 in this picture.

She's a dynamo on skates.  She can squirt sour candy into her mouth, do the chicken dance and skate without missing a beat. 

E - she tends to be tired after about 3 laps.  Until she squirts about 1/3 of a bottle of sour candy spray into her mouth.  Then she's ready for 3 more laps. 

She is the video game queen.  I'm not entirely sure how long she was at the games, but she was clearly in her element.

Zoe - she was ready to strap on the wheels and see if she liked this roller skating business.  Then she found out they had a bar.

For the next 90 minutes she wouldn't come off the rink.  She LOVED it.  By the last 15 minutes, she was racing me.  She won.

N complained about his knees and how we would need someone to sit with all our stuff...blah, blah, blah.  Personally I think he was texting our friends and making bets about how many laps before I fell down. 

It was a great day with our girls, learning the joys of sour candy spray and realizing that after 24 years, roller skating is like riding a bike.

Something Sparkly

On Saturday we had family pictures taken and then we dropped off my wedding ring at the jewelry store to be checked and re-dipped in rhodium to make it silver rather than gold.  For the next 5 days I'll be without my wedding ring, trying to find one that fits that finger because I don't like going without a ring there.

Then we went to the mall because we owed E some new shoes.  N told me he had some birthday money to spend and would meet us at the department store we parked at.

We beat him there, he called to tell me he wasn't quite done and that it would be about 15 minutes.  The girls and I went to the play area so Zoe could play and the girls could put on their new purchases.

I see N coming toward us with a smile on his face.  That kind of smile usually means he's up to no good or he has a surprise. 

He placed a black velvet ring box in my lap.  Inside was this:

That husband of mine spent his birthday money on something sparkly for me.  This ring includes my birthstone (the light pink sapphire), his birthstone (the opal) and Zoe's birthstone (the raspberry garnet).  He'd like to add D's & E's to it at some point in the future.

I cannot even tell you how surprised I was that he did that. 

I can't stop staring at it.  Once I get my wedding ring back, I'll take this in to get sized so I can stop wearing a band-aid underneath it, like Elvis. 

Approval

Why do we seek approval from other people?  What drives us to care what they think?  For most of my life I've been driven to do things simply because it's what everyone else did.

I recently went shopping for clothes.  If you know me, in the last 5 years, I have begun a hate-relationship with shopping.  In my younger years, I'd go shopping just because.  Now, it's maybe an every two year ordeal.  N was asking me what I liked.  In all honesty, I didn't know.  Mainly because I don't care so much about looking a certain way or being accepted anymore. 

Approval is tricky business. 

For most of my life my birth father was not around.  When I was 10 I reached out to him.  I wanted to know him and to have a dad.  For the next 5 years I'd get one phone call or one letter a year from him.  For that brief moment, I felt like I was accepted and loved by him.  I would dream about having a relationship with him, meeting my half-brother and doing things that dads and daughters do together.

When I was 15 I got a phone call that shattered that dream.  He acknowledged that my birth wasn't important to him.  He acknowledged that all the correspondence was because his mother prompted him to do it, not because he cared to know me.  In an instant everything shattered.  If the one man on this earth who was supposed to love me and he didn't, how would anyone else love me?  Especially a man. 

For the next decade I struggled with this.  Struggled to see myself as loveable.  Struggled to love myself.  It was that defining moment in my life where my past is categorized as before that phone call and after that phone call.

If I'm honest, this wound has never fully healed.  There are days where I'm still 15, on the phone with him and feel those same emotions.  I suspect this is something I will feel the rest of my life to some degree.

What it does for me now is something my 15-year old self would've never known that heartbreak would do.  It has shaped me as a parent.  I know the power I have as a parent, whether biological or step.  I know the impact that the love and acceptance of a parent can do to a child.  I learned that being a parent isn't about the grand gestures.  It's about the evening, in pajamas, playing school for the 1,500th time that day.  It's about searching for 20 minutes before bed for that certain stuffed animal that will make the sleep better.  It's the time when we paint our nails together.  It's the phone call or text just to see how they are.  It's the random "I love you."  It's the million little things that will fade with time, but that have an impact that will endure. 

The world teaches us that there is a certain way to be, to dress, to act.  It's hard enough to fit into that mold because it's ever-changing.  My heart's desire is for our girls to know that they are loved, desired and accepted just as they are. 

My approval of them is unconditional. 

My New Bedtime is 8:30

On Tuesday nights we go to bed early at our house.  At 8:00 we are in bed, ready to read a couple books, pray and have some chat time.  Lights out are are 8:30 (rather than 9:00) because Wednesdays are big days.  Zoe has school, ice skating, ballet and AWANA.  Without that extra sleep, we're in nuclear meltdown between ice skating and ballet.  Forget about AWANA.

Last night I decided to do the same thing.  I don't think I really moved last night.  This morning at 4:45 I was wide awake.

I spent some time waking up and then I couldn't lay there anymore.  You would not believe what you can get done by the time you have to leave at 6:30!

I finished Zoe's 5 year old photobook.  It's ready to order!

I got everything ready that I would need for AWANA tonight and for our leader's meeting.

I got ready for work and did some laundry.

I made some coffee and packed myself a lunch.

Really, my normal morning is rush to get ready, rush to find something to take for lunch, rush to find something to wear, rush, rush, rush.

This morning - mental clarity and quiet time.  Hello new bedtime!

Some Days I Categorize as Craptastic

Do you ever just have those days where you can't seem to shake the funk?  Three years ago we had a plan.  N went to school, got his degree, got a better job than entry level and we had some security.  He got a job with the US Army Corp of Engineers.  It's a dream job on many levels.  There was some concern, but God opened wide that door, slammed shut all the others and said, "this is my plan for you." 

So we made a plan...to pay off debt, to prepare ourselves for a life in a different city and to prepare for me to be a stay-at-home mom.

One day in January, that plan was shattered. 

Everything that we could see is now gone.  That light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed and there are days where I feel like it has extinguished. 

I know God has a plan.  He promised that in Jeremiah.  I have absolutely no doubt that His plan will be beyond what I could ever imagine. 

But...

Sometimes, the grind of each day is overwhelming.  We are in the midst of battle.  We are having to do this apart.  It's taking a toll on all our girls.  It's taking a toll on us physically, mentally and emotionally.  There are days where sleep just doesn't come. 

Right now we seem to be having more of those days. 

Yet...

I'm grateful.  This is the first time in my life where I seriously can't function without prayer and without His Word to guide me.  There isn't a day where I don't cling wholeheartedly to Him just to get up in the morning, to get to work, to make it through the day.  There isn't a day where I don't tell Him that "I just don't see what You see." 

Even though all the crap is happening and it could be enough to keep N and I living apart like this for years to come, I have peace.  I can find joy.  I can attempt to see each day as the blessing it was intended to be. 

Despite the fact that my soul is weary.

Despite the fact that I have no sense of security.

Despite the fact that I can't see what He sees.

His plan is taking shape.  Some day I will see it.  Some day I'll look back at this time and say, "oh, that's what You were doing." 

Right now?  It's minute-by-minute.  It's finding the joy in having the energy to do laundry or clean a toilet.  It's thanking God for the relationships He's given us.  It's seeking Him to show me His plan...to give me His view.

“Joy is always a function of gratitude — and gratitude is always a function of perspective. If we are going to change our lives, what we’re going to have to change is the way we see.” - Ann Voskamp

Yoga

I've heard of celebrities saying that their exercise consists of running and pilates.  I always think "yeah right."  Then I did pilates...I hurt for a full week.  I realized that those celebrities were probably right. 

The biggest thing about pilates at our house is my mat.  Zoe LOVES my mat.  It's her favorite thing in the entire world.  She's eager to learn yoga and pilates because she wants to use her mat.  They offered a 6 week workshop for kids.

Zoe begged and pleaded to sign up for it.

Every Thursday afternoon for 45 minutes she does yoga.  The smile on her face never fades.  She LOVES it.  She's learned all kinds of poses and each week has to make up one to share with the class. 

There are 5 kids in her class and she's the youngest.  It's adorable to watch her.  She tries so hard to get the moves "just right" and to create one that isn't like one they've learned.  They have cards with poses on them.  One side is a picture of the pose and one side is the written description of the pose.  They each pick one and then have to teach it to the class.

As I watched her yesterday with all her stretches and teaching the other kids, I was so impressed with her poise.  Then someone tooted in the class, which is my worst fear with yoga/pilates.  Honestly, all that stretching and relaxing, those things just happen.  It's quiet in the room and the music is softly playing in the background.  Then BOOM...toot.

After that, she kinda lost her poise because tooting in a room full of people when you didn't mean to is funny. 

After class we asked her if she was the one that tooted because her cheeks turned bright red when it happened.  Her response, "nope, mine was quiet!" 

She Surprised Me

It's rare that my people can surprise me.  N can't wait to tell me or give me something when he has a surprise.  It's rare that I get any present on the actual holiday because he's too excited.  Zoe thinks she's being sneaky, but will give you a "hint" that gives it away.

You can imagine my surprise when she came out of handbook time with a sparkly thing on her vest.

She did an extra section just to get her first jewel.  Her smile was as big as I've ever seen it as she pulled a surprise on me.  So proud of her.

The One Where I Shamelessly Brag

When Zoe was first born and so small, I couldn't imagine her being big enough to fill a newborn sized diaper.  I knew we had some challenges in store for us.  For her first two years of life, we had to mark her progress as her chronological age and her corrected age.  As she got closer to age two, those two got closer to being the same age.  This is normal for micro-preemies like Zoe.  What it did to me mentally is made me keep that type of comparison going throughout her life.

When we started preschool when she was 3, I was eager to see if she was similar to her peers or behind.  I've purchased workbooks that we do together at home, Meet the Sight Words videos and anything that would help her learning.  I didn't want her to be behind because of her hard start at life.  Socially she's exactly like her peers, but I didn't ever know if that was developmentally as well.  Honestly, this is my first rodeo!

You can imagine my delight when we had our first parent-teacher conference.  N was home on Monday because of Columbus Day, so we scheduled it for a time we both could go.  We got her first report card!  She got 8 "Outstanding" marks and 5 "Good" marks.  Apparently she's a bit advanced on certain things, like sound recognition, reading, writing numbers 1-20 and scripture memorization.

She is also the kid that will work ahead. 

Her teacher reported that she's considerate, listens well and is very polite.  One time she had to be reminded to listen and later Zoe went up to her teacher to apologize.

So proud of her.  So blessed by her!

Wipeout

One of the things that brings our family closer together is shows where someone is getting hurt. We laugh until we cry.  One of our favorite shows is:

We love it so much we've downloaded the ABC app for my phone so we can watch it every night of the week. 

When we all can't fit around the iPhone, we play some Wii, hoping to pass the time.

You can imagine our surprise when we saw a Wipeout Wii game.  For 4 people!  It was like a gift from God.  

We spent the weekend looking like this in the virtual world!

Now that's what I call family bonding!

He's Finally the Age He's Been Telling Everyone

A couple weekends ago we were talking about birthdays.  I told N, "we're going to be 35, that's 1/2 way to 70!"  He looked at me all weird and said, "I thought we were already 35!" 

For the last year he's been telling everyone that he's 35 and going to be 36 this year.  While I'm okay with getting older, I'm not okay with advancing that faster than nature intended.  Especially since I still feel 25. 

On this very special Wednesday, I say

Happy 35th Birthday N!

May you be blessed today in many ways, which include, but are not limited to:

* not being stuffed in a 24" x 24" hole with a welding machine gun thingy

* getting many calls and texts from the people who love you

* not hitting, but seeing lots of "game" as you drive back to the motel tonight

* game time tonight with your friends

* much needed rest

We love you forever + 1 day.  Hope your day is a reminder of how special you are to us. 

The Surprise that is Orofino, Idaho

Ever since N started his dam job, we have known that we will need to relocate once he finishes his apprenticeship.  As part of our planning, we make a plan to go to every dam he visits during his apprenticeship to see what towns we like and which ones we don't really have a peace about moving to.

For example, when he was working at Lower Monumental Dam near Ritzville, I can tell you, without reservation that I don't have a peace about living there.  You can imagine my feelings about a little town called Orofino, Idaho (population 3,142).  I was not that excited about it and I was adamant that there was no way I was ever going to live there.  EVER!

Then N got his apprenticeship schedule rearranged and he was headed to Dworshak Dam in Orofino this month rather than next winter.  He also is working 60 hours a week rather than 40 and they'll put him up in a hotel over the weekend.  It was like God put everything in place for me to eat crow.

Let me tell you, that crow is mighty tasty!

Orofino is nothing like Ritzville.  It's almost twice as big, much more bustling, quite a bit more friendly and absolutely gorgeous.  It is God's country up in Orofino.  Along the roads aren't signs that say "Deer Crossing" they say "Game Crossing."  I'm not entirely sure what "game" encompasses, but I have a feeling it's animals that are MUCH larger than deer.

When you think of Orofino, think trees, river and a HUGE concrete gate they call Dworshak Dam.  You cross a bridge over the North Fork of the Clearwater River to get to the dam.  If you look to your right as you cross that bridge, this is what you see: 

Honestly, nothing quite prepares you for that much concrete stuffed into a mountain.  Dworshak is 717 feet tall.  That concrete is holding back a 57 mile "lake" that is 630 feet deep.  In other words, a flood.

The dam has three main units.  Basically that means big tubes the water comes through to generate power, regulate the water temperature/levels or to reduce the amount in the "lake" so we don't have a flood.  Two of those units were spilling water when we visited.  I don't know about you, but those little spouts of water look rather small compared to the dam!

N took us on a platform area on the low side of the dam.  I had N and Zoe pose in front of the vertigo inducing concrete slab.  Can you even see Zoe?  I think this is appropriate to scale.  I was kinda woozy looking up that high.

Beyond that gate is what they call "the tunnel."  If I've learned anything these last two years about dam humor it's that the things they think are cool are things that make me crawl out of my skin.  This "tunnel" is a rock cave that goes into the dam and it is how they routed the water while they were building the dam.  I'm not sure how they stopped the water from continuing to go through that little tunnel, but I'm 100% positive it's not just a concrete slab at the end.  N had a flashlight and Zoe had a flashlight.  I did not.  I'm not really into caves anyway, but to put me in one, under 717 feet of concrete that is holding back 630 feet deep water that goes back 57 miles beyond the dam...let's just say I had a real anxiety attack.  Like absolute freak out, couldn't get out of there fast enough anxiety attack.  N's advice?  "Just don't think about it."  Um...

Zoe grabbed my hand, gave me a kiss and told me it was okay.  Sometimes it takes a while to be brave.  Bless her heart.

Instead of that little adventure to our death in a tunnel that all the dam guys just don't think about, we went to the elevator that goes to the top of the dam.  It's an elevator ride that takes about 90 seconds, but your ears pop at least 3 times. 

We stepped out of the building to see this...

That is Dworshak Lake from the top of the dam.  That light part that you see all along the banks is how far down the lake is currently from normal - about 80 feet.  The lake doesn't really have shoreline.  Once your boat is in the lake, you're on the lake.  Since the US Army Corp (USACE) maintains the lake, they built these floating docks that are anchored throughout the lake.  Some of them have picnic tables, some of them have tables and a cutout in the middle for swimming, some of them have bathrooms.  Basically you tie your boat to them, dock and that's their version of a shore. 

I got a little brave considering I'm terrified of heights and went to the other side to take this picture.  Mind you, I have the edge of the dam, plus another railing about 6 feet from the edge, so it's not like I could look down as I took this picture.  Honestly, this made my palms a bit sweaty.  This is the view looking west toward Lewiston.

Then N took the camera, told me to stand in the middle of the dam and to not look.  He took this picture.  That area that looks like a dock that juts out onto the river...that's where I was standing to take the picture of N and Zoe before going into the tunnel of doom.

I can honestly say, that I can see us living in this area.  Maybe closer to Lewiston rather than in Orofino, but I love the area.  Of all the places we've been so far, this is the place that seems most like home.   We'll see what God has in store for us.

Zoe and I are headed back in a couple weeks.  Next on the list - fish hatcheries (there are two, HUGE ones in Orofino and the Steelhead should be running) and Lewiston. 

Birthday Blessings and Apples

Friday was a busy day at our house.  First it was my birthday.  I turned 35 and am so incredibly blessed by the people in my life.  When Zoe woke up, she got her tea cart ready with all the things I would love for breakfast.  She made me breakfast in bed.  I got coffee with toast with peanut butter.  She even sang to me and did a special birthday dance.  She and grandma made me a bag that Zoe colored and it says, "MOM" on it.  Inside was fabric from the Mama Said Sew line of fabric.  She told me they made a special trip to the quilt store just to get that for me.  So precious.

My mom bought me a Block of the Month for Sew Spooky.  I can't wait to start sewing!

After breakfast in bed and all the birthday festivities, Zoe and I had a special date - a class field trip to Greenbluff to the "apple patch" as Zoe and her friends call it.  We had so much fun.  The kids learned about the importance of bees to the apple patch and how to pick an apple.  Interesting fact - you turn the apple upside down.  If it comes off the tree with the stem, it's ready.  If it doesn't come off, it's not ready to be picked.

Zoe got a gala apple.

Then it was off to the maze, where there were about 10 different cut-out places to get your picture taken.

Then we got to pick pumpkins!

They even had a teepee and some information on the Spokane Indian Tribe and then we got to go on a hayride.  It was the absolute best place to go for a field trip.  The farmers were so kind and great with the kids. 

One of Zoe's favorite parts - finding HUGE dandelions to make wishes from.

After the field trip, we took off to Orofino, Idaho to see daddy.  I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday that experiencing life with my favorite people.



Wordless Wednesday - One Upmanship

He always has to have the last word...

I love that about him!

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Prayers

This is a picture of the Wenatchee Complex Fire. 

Kindergarten is HARD

With the start of school comes a change in routine.  Zoe has a notebook that includes all the things she needs to keep at home and things that need to come right back each day.  It's a great system that allows the teacher and I to communicate.  Because I have type-A organizational issues, I hug this book at least once a day.

I've got to be honest, I'm still getting used to this every.single.day routine.  I love it, but sometimes it's 8:45 at night and I'm just looking in the notebook for the first time, saying a quick prayer of, "please don't let there be homework or letter practicing because we're in full-on, total nuclear meltdown and if I make her practice the letter 's' for any length of time, one of us will not see morning." 

Zoe is also developing some new routines as well.  This is the morning conversation every.single.day:

Zoe:  Is today a school day?

Yes it is!

[throws her head back in disgust] DOGGONIT!

I'm really looking forward to 1st grade and going all.day.long.every.single.day!

Fire

I read an article a week ago that after a storm, there were 110 wildfires in Washington state.  Yesterday the article was updated to 230 wildfires in the state.  Most of them are happening in central Washington, not near where we are.

This weekend while I was driving to Umatilla, I could see smoke the closer I got to Ritzville.  One of the major fires is near Grand Coulee Dam, a place that I used to visit often as a child.  From I-90, it's only a short distance to the north.  Here is a picture of the skyline that I took with my phone, so imagine the colors a bit more vibrant. 

That middle section the looks like a gray dust cloud is the smoke.  In real life it's closer to black and limiting visability.

As I saw this, my heart broke for all those people who have to evactuate, send their loved one to fight the fire, or are fighting the fire!  So much devastation and loss.

It made me so grateful that our struggles and hurdles during this season aren't the kind that will bring death.  Some of you may know, but we are going through some legal challenges right now.  There are many times where we feel consumed.  Many times in the past my initial response is to evacuate, get out of the situation and protect myself from ever being in it again!  This battle we're in is something that both N and I feel we need to fight.  Instead of this being easy, it's become the opposite - it's become consuming. 

The song that keeps playing in my head is Refiner's Fire, which I think is ironic with what's going on in nature right now.  God can use some very large object lessons to get my attention.  In the song it says:

my heart's one desire is to be holy 

God doesn't want me to make good choices, He wants me to make godly choices.

God doesn't want me to be a good person, He wants me to be a godly person.

God doesn't want me to be a good wife, He wants me to be a godly wife.

God doesn't want me to be a good mom, He wants me to be a godly mom.

I am in the midst of the fire.  It's consuming.  It's uncomfortable.  Yet, I feel as though God is molding both N and me in ways only He could've planned. 

While I pray that the fires are contained and lives spared, the smoke and the ash that I see is a reminder that God is answering my prayer.  He is showing me what it is to be holy and godly.  He's getting rid of my comfort, my pride, me.  

You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. (Jer. 29:13)

The 7 Year Itch

This weekend marked our 7th anniversary. We spent the weekend away in Umatilla sans kiddos. We had grand plans to attend a roller derby. Then Saturday came, we ate large quantities of food at Texas Roadhouse and we couldn’t fathom anything else for the evening except going home and putting on pants with elastic waist bands. Truthfully, I can’t imagine a better way to celebrate 7 years than with great steak and elastic waist pants.

For some reason our anniversary is the time of most reflection for me. When I look back on our 7 years, I’m most proud of our marriage. I went into our marriage with the idea of a fairytale. N entered our marriage with the idea of a prison sentence. Somehow, over these 7 years we’ve both let go of our expectations and come together as a couple. I can tell you, without any doubt that is only because of God’s grace, mercy and steadfast faithfulness. Our marriage is a daily miracle that God has blessed me with.

This last year we’ve faced challenges that are the hardest we’ve ever encountered. That is saying something because I had that fairytale concept engraved in my head for a long time. With every moment of difficulty that has come, we have our moments where we lose sight of the goal, but each time we humbly come together, admit we mess things up and give it to God. If I was going to define this last year with any one thing it would be that we both just bow before God, admit we’re human and give ourselves completely to Him both as individuals and in our marriage. For the first time, our spiritual foundation is strong. As a result, we’re more at peace, despite the unrest happening in our lives.

I’m grateful for N and his sacrifices for our family. He is my hero in every way. His love for God, for me and for our family is unending and unconditional. I am so glad that God chose Him to be my partner in this life (and my personal vermin remover). He continues to make me laugh and think of things differently. He is patient and compassionate. He is my soul mate.

N - Thank you for sharing your life with me. These last 7 years have been a bumpy ride, but there is no one else I’d rather be with. Thank you for:

praying with me and for me because I need that the most,
holding my hand when I need reassurance,
showing me affection when I need to be loved,
holding me accountable when I need to be reminded that it’s not all about me,
telling me your thoughts when I know it’s hard to do,
loving me unconditionally in spite of my type-A personally, and
viewing your future with me in it.

I am so grateful that you still like me enough to continue on this ride. You are my knight in shining armor. Thank you for completing my fairytale.

We're Going Private

Because of the information that I put on this blog and that it mainly includes the kiddos, I'm moving this to a private blog starting Monday, September 17th. 

That means that in order to read this blog you must be on the approved list.  If you want to have access to this, I'd love to give it to you.  Just leave the e-mail address you'd like to use as your login in the comments (or feel free to e-mail me or Facebook me) and I'll add you to my approved list.  All comments are moderated prior to them being on this site, so I will not be publishing any comments that include your e-mail.  Don't worry, you won't have a published e-mail address for the other 2 people that read this blog!

See you on the other side!

We Didn't Labor At All

Our Labor Day weekend consisted of some quilting, a couple errands and being at home!  We needed time together as a family to regroup.  N got out his computer to play his games, my mom and I got out our sewing machines to quilt and Zoe got out her Barbies, craft projects, her fabric, her stuffed animals, several board games and snacks.  She was prepared for a long winter!

About 18 months ago I did a few quilts.  We were holed up at home because of winter and I massed produced.  One of them was a cute owl quilt from Sandy Gervais's Frolic line.  It was perfect for Zoe. 

Fast forward 18 months and I actually kinda forgot that I did it.  My mom has been trying some new tricks with her long-arm quilting and got all fancy on Zoe's wall hanging.  She surprised me this weekend with having it done so I could bind it and Zoe could have a quilt from her mom.

What you can't see in this cell picture is all the quilt designs.  In the plain areas are flowers, in the flowers and circle patterns are circle patterns that accentuate them, and in the tree are leafy-looking stitches.  I even made a special binding for it that included some of the left over fabrics.  It finished it in a cute, child-like way.  I absolutely love it. 

Most importantly, so does Zoe.  It's technically a wall-hanging, but she's going to use it as a blanket.  She couldn't stop hugging me and telling me that she LOVES it.

I love weekends where we grow together as a family and I can make quilts for the people I love.

Small Joys of the Week 7

This week has been equally stressful and exciting.  We've been on a rollercoaster of emotion this week and we are ready for a long weekend!

* Birthdays - today is N's mom's birthday.  She's 39ish and as beautiful as ever.  We feel fortunate that we can celebrate her from a distance today.  Happy birthday mom!  We love you more today than yesterday.  Sending you large quantities of hugs, kisses and off-key singing!

* Kindergarten!  We have officially entered the world of kindergarten and I'm not entirely sure where the time has gone.  Yet, one the other hand, there are days where it feels like she's 16.  Because we've done preschool and pre-kindergarten, this is old hat to Zoe.  The only things that makes it feel different are:  she gets her own desk to hold her own supplies AND it's everyday.  The first makes her feel uber special.  Especially since her group of 4 desks includes three of her favorite people in class.  I have a feeling there could be some "talking to your neighbor" issues.

The second makes her lose sleep.  For the last few nights she's been up almost every hour on the hour because she knows what she's going to wear to school, she knows what snack she wants to take, she wonders what they'll do that day, do you think they'll get to play in the kitchen, do you think they'll get play time outside, do you think her sparkly shoes would match her purple dress?  It's amazing what goes through a kindergartner's head at midnight.  It's not what's going through my head, I can tell you that! 

I'm hoping we'll start to get into a routine and all her inner, midnight dialogue will wear her out and we can get some sleep!

*  Final Exams!  This week N had a big phase exam.  Due to some internal meetings at work, he had some issues with getting his last minute things completed before his test yesterday.  If he didn't get those done, he couldn't take his test.  If he didn't get to take his test before August 31st, he could be reprimanded or fired.  Nothing like a little pressure to make a stressful situation more stressful. 

I'm pleased to report that not only did N pass his exams (there are 3), he passed them with flying colors.  When I got the call that he passed, we both just felt a HUGE weight lifted off our shoulders.  We both knew he would do great, but it's another thing to have it over.  He's onto the next phase of the program.  Only 16 more months left of this.  Woo-hoo!

*  Fathers - N has had a stressful couple weeks in preparing for his test.  These are always stressful times.  In the midst of it all, he's had to handle some other things with all our girls.  He's been comforting, encouraging, excited, supportive and most importantly loving.  I've watched him interact with all the girls this week and show them each his support and interest.  I love that he can put aside his stress or his week and focus on the girls.  It's one of the things that made me fall in love with him 8 years ago and I love seeing the dad he is to the girls now.  He's patient and so full of love. 

*  Pilates - I was able to go yesterday.  We spent 20 minutes doing squats.  I can barely get off the toilet.  For some reason, I'm happy about that.

Have a great Labor Day weekend!

I Speak Crazy

This weekend we spent time in Umatilla with N. He’s got a big phase exam for work coming up. It’s on things like welding and other things having to do with metal, dams and fixing things. You can tell I’m a huge resource for N during his studies. These exams consist of written, oral and practical. The oral and practical are easy for N. It’s the written that takes a mental toll on him. Zoe and I went down to encourage him and love on him for a couple days.

Part of that time was spent at the mall because Zoe’s intake of FroYo was running dangerously low. In a divine miracle, there was even a train at the mall that she could ride. She smiled and waved at everyone we passed because that’s what you do on a train! I counted 6 people that waved back and about 50 kids who shot looks at their parents.

On Sunday we tried to get as much daddy time in as possible. Zoe batted her eyes and asked daddy to throw her in the air onto the couch, like she would be flying. N, also with hopes to fly one day, couldn’t resist the eyes or a girl after his own heart. For about 20 minutes he just kept lifting her and throwing her between her fits of giggles. I love that daddies so those kinds of things...until you’re home, away from the strong daddy and Zoe thinks the eye batting will somehow make me strong enough to do that.

Zoe was so sad to leave daddy and all the flying, she needed a pit stop at the gas station for a snack because all the flying made her hungry and a snack will make her miss daddy less. She’s also a bit of her mother too!

On the way home there was a small semi with another small semi on its trailer. Basically it looked like one semi was giving the other semi a piggy-back ride. I told Zoe that there was a truck on another truck! She looks at me and says, “mom, that doesn’t make any sense. Do you even hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?” Apparently we are family who is unafraid to hold each other accountable.

I came back home to the realization that mommies and daddies each have their roles. Depending on the day, mommies are lacking both in sheer strength and common sense.

13

Today we officially enter the teen years.  D is 13 today.  Here's some things about D that you should know:

13 - This teen thing isn't that shocking.  She's always been a teenager at heart.  She had "the look" perfected when I met her at age 5.  Which had me worried.

12 - D is an easy teen.  She's young for her class, so we're already half way through junior high.  While there have been crushes and mean girls, she's navigating it with grace.

11 - One of her favorite things to do, even when she was 5, is paint our nails together.  It's our girl time.  We chat about boys, life, movies and growing up.  Some of the things that she says shows how wise she is. 

10 - Even though she's in junior high, she'll still give us hugs and kisses in public.  There are many times when we'll be together, waiting for something or chatting with people at church and D will go up to hug her daddy.  I love that those things are natural. 

9 - She's got her heart set on becoming a baker.  It's been her dream for years now.  She's incredibly talented.  She has great ideas, good instincts and is willing to work to perfect her craft.  I'm amazed at her passion.

8 - She's a trendsetter.  If feather earrings are in, she'll have 5 pairs.  If blue eyeshadow is in, she's got it.  Right now, she's totally into neon.  The brighter the green, the better.  What's even more awesome, she knows how to wear it.  Which is truly saying something because neon isn't quite the skintone complimenter as some might think.

7 - She's an excellent sister.  She takes time to hang with Zoe.  They are thick as thieves.  When you have 8 years difference, that's not always the case.  Those two love each other in ways I prayed they would.

6 - She's trustworthy.  In a world where there is pressure on kids in ways I didn't experience, D usually picks the high road.  She's a friend that won't tell your secrets, a person who won't judge you and she cares deeply for people. 

5 - She loves things that make adults sore:  swimming laps, rollerskating, Just Dance on the Wii...  When she gives you her smile, you totally give in because no one can resist it.

4 - She can totally sleep until noon, unless we're doing something mentioned above and then she's up with the sun. 

3 - She's kind, loyal and fun. 

2 - She's growing into such a stunning woman, both inside and out.  I'm amazed at her maturity, her passion, her joy in life. 

1 - She's a daughter you'd be proud to claim. 

Happy birthday D!  We are so honored to call you daughter.  I've watched you grow from a child into the beautiful, young lady you are today.  You absolutely take my breath away.  I look at you and am awed by your beauty.  When I look deeper and see you heart, you leave my speechless.  You are kind, compassionate, joyful and wise.  I love to see how God is molding you.  You are His handiwork and He doesn't make mistakes. 

Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life.  You are a blessing far beyond anything I deserve.  I pray that today is filled with blessings, laughter and the reminder of how truly amazing you are.

Love you sweetie. 

A-B-C's and 1-2-3's

It's hard to believe that summer is coming to an end.  We've had some cooler temperatures and great sleeping weather.  This is probably my favorite part of summer.  Cool in the evenings, thunder storms and warm days. 

Just as I'm catching my summer stride, it's time for school to start!  Tonight we have a potluck at the school for all the kindergarten families.  Zoe will get to meet her teacher, see her room and catch-up with all her friends.  She's been counting down the sleeps until her potluck!  We have to bring a main dish and a dessert.  We made ham and mashed potatoes (because finding things at a potluck that Zoe absolutely loves is impossible) and cupcakes with frosting in her school colors.

Next week is the official start to school.  Wednesday is a time at the park for them to play, socialize and get ready for the grind of going every.single.day.  Thursday is her first day at the school.

A kindergartener!?!  It seems like the time is flying by and yet, she is 5 going on 16, so it's also like it's at a standstill.  All of us are so excited for this milestone in her life.  I'm not even a bit teary about it, which is shocking.  Maybe that's because Zoe LOVES school, her friends and is beyond excited.  Because of preschool, she knows 85% of her class already.  By knows, I mean loves them.

Last night we set out all her school supplies, the 4 jumbo glue sticks, the #2 pencils, the big eraser, the 2-24 count boxes of crayons, watercolors, colored pencils, scissors and her pencil box and labeled them.with.her.name!  She was beyond excited.  In preschool nothing is labeled.  It's community stuff.  This year, it's Zoe's own stuff.  To say she loves having her name on her things is an understatement.  We had to label several other things she owns because labels = FUN!  Had I known that little bit of information, I would've made some "this book belongs to" labels and let her go to town on her books.  You gotta find those things they love doing so you can sit for 5 minutes and not have to pretend you're a prince, evil stepmother, wicked stepsisters and the mice.

Maybe that's just our house!
I think it's safe to say we're all ready for school to start.  Zoe is about 2 seconds away from reading and it's killing her that she can't read everything!  She can write notes to N all by herself.  So at least she's not totally devoid of communication.

I'm eager to see what God has in store for her this year.  Like with all things she does, she'll enjoy the journey, keep us all laughing and make my heart swell a little bigger than I thought possible. 

Small Joys of the Week 6

This week has proven two things:

1) I'm old

and

2) my body is no longer 25.

I've been motivated this week.  With that in mind, here's my small joys:

* Pilates/Yoga classes where there are three of you, one instructor and the 60 year old lady next to me can do a side plank with very little problems.  I wanted to hug her afterward and thank her for her motivation.

* Women's Beach Volleyball, namely Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings.  I love watching those two.  They are amazing.  They have earned the right to retire...at 35.  They are my age.  I think the only thing I've earned a three-peat on is finishing off French Onion dip in three servings.  Tomato, tamato.

In other ways my week has been joyful:

* Snuggling with Zoe while she sits on my lap, her arm reached around to hug my neck, whispering in her ear that I love her and then she toots on me.  The primal laugh that accompanies that makes the disgusting part of this story totally worth it.

Have a great weekend!

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Super Hero!

N is a man who enjoys looking on Facebook, but rarely, if ever, puts anything out there.  He knows that Pinterest exists and that I spend about 20 minutes before bed each night checking it out.  That's his extent of interaction with Pinterest.

Or so I thought.

Last week he said to me, "I saw this really cool way to make jet packs out of 2-liter soda bottles.  We need to make this happen." 

Because I had pinned this little kid-friendly craft to my Pinterest page I knew exactly what he was talking about.  He downed some Mt. Dew for the craft, shopped for spray paint and tissue paper and let Zoe pick out the yarn for straps.

Honestly, I've never seen him this excited to make a crafty thing.  He loves doing the Pinewood Derby cars for AWANA, but this is something totally outside his previous foray into crafty things.  I'm not gonna lie, my heart just about wept from tears of joy.  With all the years of going to super hero movies, learning to play Halo on XBox, trying to understand World of Warcraft, etc. and now he's initiating crafting.  It's almost like the little parts of life came together to make things right in the world!

Not to mention that a certain 5-year old was beyond excited to have a jet pack.  Even if she didn't understand how soda bottles were going to transform. 

Zoe and I went swimming with some friends and when we came back there was a lovely patch of metallic gray on the lawn.  Clear evidence that a certain daddy was totally excited to have a jet pack and save the world.

When Zoe realized it was time to become a super hero, they couldn't make those jet packs fast enough.  They did pose to show me how tough they are:

Zoe loves her so much that the other day she was talking about going somewhere and this was her comments:

Could I take a plane?  No!  Could I take a bicycle?  No!  I'll have to use my jet pack.

She didn't seem the least bit upset that, as her third option, is was the only mode of transportation up for the job.

Dog Days of Summer

Summer for us involves tons of water.  None of us really like being hot, so we find ways to cool down.  There are a number of options:  sprinkler, kiddie pool, YMCA, splash pad, Columbia River, kind people who let us use their pool...

We aren't picky.  We've utilized each and every one of these this year.  Sometimes when it's really hot and we're in Oregon, I'm 3/4 tempted to just go up to random houses and see if they have a pool we can take a dip in.  100+ degree temps will do that to a person.

Since Zoe has learned to put her face in the water, her fear has subsided.  She splashes, jumps, dips all the way under and smiles the entire time.  We are so glad she's a fish like both N and I are. 

Part of my evenings consist of getting home, changing clothes, packing a picnic, lathering the sunscreen and heading to a park with my favorite girl. 

I'm so incredibly blessed.