She Wants To Be Everything

October usually includes about 612 different ideas of what to be for Halloween.  It starts out with ideas that we are all part of a theater troupe and we need to coordinate.  Zoe has planned for us to be The Avengers, gnomes, different vegetables so we could be a salad family, etc. 

Then it morphs into what she specifically wants to be.  We've had ideas to be a fairy, a princess fairy, a princess, etc.

Honestly, even though it's thee day, I'm not entirely sure what she's going to pick for tonight's harvest party at church.  Last Friday was the harvest party at school.  All the kids had to dress as a fruit, vegetable or farmer.  Originally Zoe wanted to be a granny smith apple because those are her favorite.  I had an idea in my head and about 30 minutes before I was to buy the supplies, she changed her mind to a carrot.  Which, in all honesty, was MUCH easier.  I needed some orange felt, some tan thread, green felt, green thread, a pipecleaner and a head band.  And voila!

I have absolutely no idea why this picture is sideways.  I cannot, for the life of me, get it to change.  Sorry about that.

She decided she wanted to be a baby carrot, so we took some of her fake corn, poke a stick into the bottom, filled it with rice and now she's a baby carrot.  The whole corn thing was a daddy idea.  I think for the first time, we've all had a hand in her outfit. 

We were all geared up to do the Pumpkin Pacer race on Saturday.  It's a costumed race.  She was going to be a carrot and I was going to be a rabbit.  She's not the only one with ideas for family costumes.

Thursday night I came down with a cold.  The race was out for me, but I was so excited for our carrot to do her thing.

20 minutes to show time...she changed her mind.

She wore the same M&M costume from last year.  The only difference this year, she ran the entire course and beat out a small cow!  Yeah for Zoe!

Now onto today.  She's planning to be a fairy at her ballet class this afternoon, but is still undecided about the party tonight.  She's goign to see how she feels.  Considering she has about 612 choices, it could be a long process.

What Has 8 Wheels and All Her Bones in Tact?

This weekend we spent time with three of my favorite girls.  For months they've been asking to go rollerskating.  Finally this weekend it seemed to work out that we could strap on the wheels and roll to the music (while praying we didn't fall down and break a hip or something).  I used to be a roller skating maniac.  I LOVED it.  Probably because it was the one sport that I could actually do.  After 24 years out of the game, I was a little concerned about going.  Here's my entourage:

D - she's only 13 people.  I'm not sure, I'm positive she looks about 21 in this picture.

She's a dynamo on skates.  She can squirt sour candy into her mouth, do the chicken dance and skate without missing a beat. 

E - she tends to be tired after about 3 laps.  Until she squirts about 1/3 of a bottle of sour candy spray into her mouth.  Then she's ready for 3 more laps. 

She is the video game queen.  I'm not entirely sure how long she was at the games, but she was clearly in her element.

Zoe - she was ready to strap on the wheels and see if she liked this roller skating business.  Then she found out they had a bar.

For the next 90 minutes she wouldn't come off the rink.  She LOVED it.  By the last 15 minutes, she was racing me.  She won.

N complained about his knees and how we would need someone to sit with all our stuff...blah, blah, blah.  Personally I think he was texting our friends and making bets about how many laps before I fell down. 

It was a great day with our girls, learning the joys of sour candy spray and realizing that after 24 years, roller skating is like riding a bike.

Something Sparkly

On Saturday we had family pictures taken and then we dropped off my wedding ring at the jewelry store to be checked and re-dipped in rhodium to make it silver rather than gold.  For the next 5 days I'll be without my wedding ring, trying to find one that fits that finger because I don't like going without a ring there.

Then we went to the mall because we owed E some new shoes.  N told me he had some birthday money to spend and would meet us at the department store we parked at.

We beat him there, he called to tell me he wasn't quite done and that it would be about 15 minutes.  The girls and I went to the play area so Zoe could play and the girls could put on their new purchases.

I see N coming toward us with a smile on his face.  That kind of smile usually means he's up to no good or he has a surprise. 

He placed a black velvet ring box in my lap.  Inside was this:

That husband of mine spent his birthday money on something sparkly for me.  This ring includes my birthstone (the light pink sapphire), his birthstone (the opal) and Zoe's birthstone (the raspberry garnet).  He'd like to add D's & E's to it at some point in the future.

I cannot even tell you how surprised I was that he did that. 

I can't stop staring at it.  Once I get my wedding ring back, I'll take this in to get sized so I can stop wearing a band-aid underneath it, like Elvis. 

Approval

Why do we seek approval from other people?  What drives us to care what they think?  For most of my life I've been driven to do things simply because it's what everyone else did.

I recently went shopping for clothes.  If you know me, in the last 5 years, I have begun a hate-relationship with shopping.  In my younger years, I'd go shopping just because.  Now, it's maybe an every two year ordeal.  N was asking me what I liked.  In all honesty, I didn't know.  Mainly because I don't care so much about looking a certain way or being accepted anymore. 

Approval is tricky business. 

For most of my life my birth father was not around.  When I was 10 I reached out to him.  I wanted to know him and to have a dad.  For the next 5 years I'd get one phone call or one letter a year from him.  For that brief moment, I felt like I was accepted and loved by him.  I would dream about having a relationship with him, meeting my half-brother and doing things that dads and daughters do together.

When I was 15 I got a phone call that shattered that dream.  He acknowledged that my birth wasn't important to him.  He acknowledged that all the correspondence was because his mother prompted him to do it, not because he cared to know me.  In an instant everything shattered.  If the one man on this earth who was supposed to love me and he didn't, how would anyone else love me?  Especially a man. 

For the next decade I struggled with this.  Struggled to see myself as loveable.  Struggled to love myself.  It was that defining moment in my life where my past is categorized as before that phone call and after that phone call.

If I'm honest, this wound has never fully healed.  There are days where I'm still 15, on the phone with him and feel those same emotions.  I suspect this is something I will feel the rest of my life to some degree.

What it does for me now is something my 15-year old self would've never known that heartbreak would do.  It has shaped me as a parent.  I know the power I have as a parent, whether biological or step.  I know the impact that the love and acceptance of a parent can do to a child.  I learned that being a parent isn't about the grand gestures.  It's about the evening, in pajamas, playing school for the 1,500th time that day.  It's about searching for 20 minutes before bed for that certain stuffed animal that will make the sleep better.  It's the time when we paint our nails together.  It's the phone call or text just to see how they are.  It's the random "I love you."  It's the million little things that will fade with time, but that have an impact that will endure. 

The world teaches us that there is a certain way to be, to dress, to act.  It's hard enough to fit into that mold because it's ever-changing.  My heart's desire is for our girls to know that they are loved, desired and accepted just as they are. 

My approval of them is unconditional. 

My New Bedtime is 8:30

On Tuesday nights we go to bed early at our house.  At 8:00 we are in bed, ready to read a couple books, pray and have some chat time.  Lights out are are 8:30 (rather than 9:00) because Wednesdays are big days.  Zoe has school, ice skating, ballet and AWANA.  Without that extra sleep, we're in nuclear meltdown between ice skating and ballet.  Forget about AWANA.

Last night I decided to do the same thing.  I don't think I really moved last night.  This morning at 4:45 I was wide awake.

I spent some time waking up and then I couldn't lay there anymore.  You would not believe what you can get done by the time you have to leave at 6:30!

I finished Zoe's 5 year old photobook.  It's ready to order!

I got everything ready that I would need for AWANA tonight and for our leader's meeting.

I got ready for work and did some laundry.

I made some coffee and packed myself a lunch.

Really, my normal morning is rush to get ready, rush to find something to take for lunch, rush to find something to wear, rush, rush, rush.

This morning - mental clarity and quiet time.  Hello new bedtime!

Some Days I Categorize as Craptastic

Do you ever just have those days where you can't seem to shake the funk?  Three years ago we had a plan.  N went to school, got his degree, got a better job than entry level and we had some security.  He got a job with the US Army Corp of Engineers.  It's a dream job on many levels.  There was some concern, but God opened wide that door, slammed shut all the others and said, "this is my plan for you." 

So we made a plan...to pay off debt, to prepare ourselves for a life in a different city and to prepare for me to be a stay-at-home mom.

One day in January, that plan was shattered. 

Everything that we could see is now gone.  That light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed and there are days where I feel like it has extinguished. 

I know God has a plan.  He promised that in Jeremiah.  I have absolutely no doubt that His plan will be beyond what I could ever imagine. 

But...

Sometimes, the grind of each day is overwhelming.  We are in the midst of battle.  We are having to do this apart.  It's taking a toll on all our girls.  It's taking a toll on us physically, mentally and emotionally.  There are days where sleep just doesn't come. 

Right now we seem to be having more of those days. 

Yet...

I'm grateful.  This is the first time in my life where I seriously can't function without prayer and without His Word to guide me.  There isn't a day where I don't cling wholeheartedly to Him just to get up in the morning, to get to work, to make it through the day.  There isn't a day where I don't tell Him that "I just don't see what You see." 

Even though all the crap is happening and it could be enough to keep N and I living apart like this for years to come, I have peace.  I can find joy.  I can attempt to see each day as the blessing it was intended to be. 

Despite the fact that my soul is weary.

Despite the fact that I have no sense of security.

Despite the fact that I can't see what He sees.

His plan is taking shape.  Some day I will see it.  Some day I'll look back at this time and say, "oh, that's what You were doing." 

Right now?  It's minute-by-minute.  It's finding the joy in having the energy to do laundry or clean a toilet.  It's thanking God for the relationships He's given us.  It's seeking Him to show me His plan...to give me His view.

“Joy is always a function of gratitude — and gratitude is always a function of perspective. If we are going to change our lives, what we’re going to have to change is the way we see.” - Ann Voskamp

Yoga

I've heard of celebrities saying that their exercise consists of running and pilates.  I always think "yeah right."  Then I did pilates...I hurt for a full week.  I realized that those celebrities were probably right. 

The biggest thing about pilates at our house is my mat.  Zoe LOVES my mat.  It's her favorite thing in the entire world.  She's eager to learn yoga and pilates because she wants to use her mat.  They offered a 6 week workshop for kids.

Zoe begged and pleaded to sign up for it.

Every Thursday afternoon for 45 minutes she does yoga.  The smile on her face never fades.  She LOVES it.  She's learned all kinds of poses and each week has to make up one to share with the class. 

There are 5 kids in her class and she's the youngest.  It's adorable to watch her.  She tries so hard to get the moves "just right" and to create one that isn't like one they've learned.  They have cards with poses on them.  One side is a picture of the pose and one side is the written description of the pose.  They each pick one and then have to teach it to the class.

As I watched her yesterday with all her stretches and teaching the other kids, I was so impressed with her poise.  Then someone tooted in the class, which is my worst fear with yoga/pilates.  Honestly, all that stretching and relaxing, those things just happen.  It's quiet in the room and the music is softly playing in the background.  Then BOOM...toot.

After that, she kinda lost her poise because tooting in a room full of people when you didn't mean to is funny. 

After class we asked her if she was the one that tooted because her cheeks turned bright red when it happened.  Her response, "nope, mine was quiet!" 

She Surprised Me

It's rare that my people can surprise me.  N can't wait to tell me or give me something when he has a surprise.  It's rare that I get any present on the actual holiday because he's too excited.  Zoe thinks she's being sneaky, but will give you a "hint" that gives it away.

You can imagine my surprise when she came out of handbook time with a sparkly thing on her vest.

She did an extra section just to get her first jewel.  Her smile was as big as I've ever seen it as she pulled a surprise on me.  So proud of her.

The One Where I Shamelessly Brag

When Zoe was first born and so small, I couldn't imagine her being big enough to fill a newborn sized diaper.  I knew we had some challenges in store for us.  For her first two years of life, we had to mark her progress as her chronological age and her corrected age.  As she got closer to age two, those two got closer to being the same age.  This is normal for micro-preemies like Zoe.  What it did to me mentally is made me keep that type of comparison going throughout her life.

When we started preschool when she was 3, I was eager to see if she was similar to her peers or behind.  I've purchased workbooks that we do together at home, Meet the Sight Words videos and anything that would help her learning.  I didn't want her to be behind because of her hard start at life.  Socially she's exactly like her peers, but I didn't ever know if that was developmentally as well.  Honestly, this is my first rodeo!

You can imagine my delight when we had our first parent-teacher conference.  N was home on Monday because of Columbus Day, so we scheduled it for a time we both could go.  We got her first report card!  She got 8 "Outstanding" marks and 5 "Good" marks.  Apparently she's a bit advanced on certain things, like sound recognition, reading, writing numbers 1-20 and scripture memorization.

She is also the kid that will work ahead. 

Her teacher reported that she's considerate, listens well and is very polite.  One time she had to be reminded to listen and later Zoe went up to her teacher to apologize.

So proud of her.  So blessed by her!

Wipeout

One of the things that brings our family closer together is shows where someone is getting hurt. We laugh until we cry.  One of our favorite shows is:

We love it so much we've downloaded the ABC app for my phone so we can watch it every night of the week. 

When we all can't fit around the iPhone, we play some Wii, hoping to pass the time.

You can imagine our surprise when we saw a Wipeout Wii game.  For 4 people!  It was like a gift from God.  

We spent the weekend looking like this in the virtual world!

Now that's what I call family bonding!

He's Finally the Age He's Been Telling Everyone

A couple weekends ago we were talking about birthdays.  I told N, "we're going to be 35, that's 1/2 way to 70!"  He looked at me all weird and said, "I thought we were already 35!" 

For the last year he's been telling everyone that he's 35 and going to be 36 this year.  While I'm okay with getting older, I'm not okay with advancing that faster than nature intended.  Especially since I still feel 25. 

On this very special Wednesday, I say

Happy 35th Birthday N!

May you be blessed today in many ways, which include, but are not limited to:

* not being stuffed in a 24" x 24" hole with a welding machine gun thingy

* getting many calls and texts from the people who love you

* not hitting, but seeing lots of "game" as you drive back to the motel tonight

* game time tonight with your friends

* much needed rest

We love you forever + 1 day.  Hope your day is a reminder of how special you are to us. 

The Surprise that is Orofino, Idaho

Ever since N started his dam job, we have known that we will need to relocate once he finishes his apprenticeship.  As part of our planning, we make a plan to go to every dam he visits during his apprenticeship to see what towns we like and which ones we don't really have a peace about moving to.

For example, when he was working at Lower Monumental Dam near Ritzville, I can tell you, without reservation that I don't have a peace about living there.  You can imagine my feelings about a little town called Orofino, Idaho (population 3,142).  I was not that excited about it and I was adamant that there was no way I was ever going to live there.  EVER!

Then N got his apprenticeship schedule rearranged and he was headed to Dworshak Dam in Orofino this month rather than next winter.  He also is working 60 hours a week rather than 40 and they'll put him up in a hotel over the weekend.  It was like God put everything in place for me to eat crow.

Let me tell you, that crow is mighty tasty!

Orofino is nothing like Ritzville.  It's almost twice as big, much more bustling, quite a bit more friendly and absolutely gorgeous.  It is God's country up in Orofino.  Along the roads aren't signs that say "Deer Crossing" they say "Game Crossing."  I'm not entirely sure what "game" encompasses, but I have a feeling it's animals that are MUCH larger than deer.

When you think of Orofino, think trees, river and a HUGE concrete gate they call Dworshak Dam.  You cross a bridge over the North Fork of the Clearwater River to get to the dam.  If you look to your right as you cross that bridge, this is what you see: 

Honestly, nothing quite prepares you for that much concrete stuffed into a mountain.  Dworshak is 717 feet tall.  That concrete is holding back a 57 mile "lake" that is 630 feet deep.  In other words, a flood.

The dam has three main units.  Basically that means big tubes the water comes through to generate power, regulate the water temperature/levels or to reduce the amount in the "lake" so we don't have a flood.  Two of those units were spilling water when we visited.  I don't know about you, but those little spouts of water look rather small compared to the dam!

N took us on a platform area on the low side of the dam.  I had N and Zoe pose in front of the vertigo inducing concrete slab.  Can you even see Zoe?  I think this is appropriate to scale.  I was kinda woozy looking up that high.

Beyond that gate is what they call "the tunnel."  If I've learned anything these last two years about dam humor it's that the things they think are cool are things that make me crawl out of my skin.  This "tunnel" is a rock cave that goes into the dam and it is how they routed the water while they were building the dam.  I'm not sure how they stopped the water from continuing to go through that little tunnel, but I'm 100% positive it's not just a concrete slab at the end.  N had a flashlight and Zoe had a flashlight.  I did not.  I'm not really into caves anyway, but to put me in one, under 717 feet of concrete that is holding back 630 feet deep water that goes back 57 miles beyond the dam...let's just say I had a real anxiety attack.  Like absolute freak out, couldn't get out of there fast enough anxiety attack.  N's advice?  "Just don't think about it."  Um...

Zoe grabbed my hand, gave me a kiss and told me it was okay.  Sometimes it takes a while to be brave.  Bless her heart.

Instead of that little adventure to our death in a tunnel that all the dam guys just don't think about, we went to the elevator that goes to the top of the dam.  It's an elevator ride that takes about 90 seconds, but your ears pop at least 3 times. 

We stepped out of the building to see this...

That is Dworshak Lake from the top of the dam.  That light part that you see all along the banks is how far down the lake is currently from normal - about 80 feet.  The lake doesn't really have shoreline.  Once your boat is in the lake, you're on the lake.  Since the US Army Corp (USACE) maintains the lake, they built these floating docks that are anchored throughout the lake.  Some of them have picnic tables, some of them have tables and a cutout in the middle for swimming, some of them have bathrooms.  Basically you tie your boat to them, dock and that's their version of a shore. 

I got a little brave considering I'm terrified of heights and went to the other side to take this picture.  Mind you, I have the edge of the dam, plus another railing about 6 feet from the edge, so it's not like I could look down as I took this picture.  Honestly, this made my palms a bit sweaty.  This is the view looking west toward Lewiston.

Then N took the camera, told me to stand in the middle of the dam and to not look.  He took this picture.  That area that looks like a dock that juts out onto the river...that's where I was standing to take the picture of N and Zoe before going into the tunnel of doom.

I can honestly say, that I can see us living in this area.  Maybe closer to Lewiston rather than in Orofino, but I love the area.  Of all the places we've been so far, this is the place that seems most like home.   We'll see what God has in store for us.

Zoe and I are headed back in a couple weeks.  Next on the list - fish hatcheries (there are two, HUGE ones in Orofino and the Steelhead should be running) and Lewiston. 

Birthday Blessings and Apples

Friday was a busy day at our house.  First it was my birthday.  I turned 35 and am so incredibly blessed by the people in my life.  When Zoe woke up, she got her tea cart ready with all the things I would love for breakfast.  She made me breakfast in bed.  I got coffee with toast with peanut butter.  She even sang to me and did a special birthday dance.  She and grandma made me a bag that Zoe colored and it says, "MOM" on it.  Inside was fabric from the Mama Said Sew line of fabric.  She told me they made a special trip to the quilt store just to get that for me.  So precious.

My mom bought me a Block of the Month for Sew Spooky.  I can't wait to start sewing!

After breakfast in bed and all the birthday festivities, Zoe and I had a special date - a class field trip to Greenbluff to the "apple patch" as Zoe and her friends call it.  We had so much fun.  The kids learned about the importance of bees to the apple patch and how to pick an apple.  Interesting fact - you turn the apple upside down.  If it comes off the tree with the stem, it's ready.  If it doesn't come off, it's not ready to be picked.

Zoe got a gala apple.

Then it was off to the maze, where there were about 10 different cut-out places to get your picture taken.

Then we got to pick pumpkins!

They even had a teepee and some information on the Spokane Indian Tribe and then we got to go on a hayride.  It was the absolute best place to go for a field trip.  The farmers were so kind and great with the kids. 

One of Zoe's favorite parts - finding HUGE dandelions to make wishes from.

After the field trip, we took off to Orofino, Idaho to see daddy.  I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday that experiencing life with my favorite people.