I think there’s a saying that you can’t see the forest through the trees or something close to that. As I look back on the last several years, that’s the absolute truth. As I look back on my life, there are things that I’ve always wished were different. Yet, the older I get I realize that to do that, it would ruin God’s plan for my life. Every single thing, both good and poor choices, have brought me to this moment.
I love this moment.
It’s imperfectly perfect.
We were talking about the day of Zoe’s birth yesterday. It was the 5th anniversary of her amazing birth. It’s funny to think, but that’s not the day I remember. It all seems foreign to me. I woke up in ICU 5 years ago today and am pretty sure I looked like I had been abducted by aliens and they were experimenting on me. I learned that it took the ICU people 1 hour to hook me up to all the tubes, IVs, medication, etc. My first question to my mother yesterday, who was thinking she was watching her daughter dying, was, “why didn’t you get a picture of me hooked up to all that stuff?” I would’ve loved to have seen that. I can’t really imagine being hooked up to a ventilator and having a 5 IV poles supplying me with all kinds of good and powerful drugs. You’d think I should be like the Green Lantern or one of those X-Men with all the things they pumped into me. Really, how cool would that be? You almost died giving life to your child, to make up for not getting to meet her that day and having things go as planned, you can have one superhero power of your choice! That may be one thing I talk to God about.
As we were chatting about it, Zoe asked, “what present did you get me on the day I was born?” You know, birthdays = presents. I told her I gave her life. She was totally disappointed that I didn’t even have a stuffed animal or cute outfit. She has no clue how unprepared we were.
We were unprepared in so many ways. There is no shortness of God’s grace and mercy through the whole thing. It was like He was saying, “you kids got WAY off track and I’m bringing you back the hard way. Love you!” I always picture God throwing that “love you” in there to soften the blow.
The farther away I get from that day, the more I think, “I could do it again.” Which is totally ridiculous. I really should’ve died...two separate times. Yet here I am. Apparently God’s not ready for me yet and really, can you blame Him? I can be a handful. I’d probably be up there yelling down at N and Zoe to brush their teeth, put their dishes in the sink, go on a date to get ice cream rather than watch ANOTHER Wizards of Waverly Place! Since He could see all of this, He probably figured N could deal with it for another few decades! It builds character.
Sometimes I can get bogged down in life. Life is hard, stressful and chaotic. Yet it is full of so much joy that I can’t stand it sometimes. The happiest moments make me cry more than the hard ones. Yesterday was a reminder of all that I’ve been blessed with and how awesome this life is, stress and all. How fortunate I am to have had these past 1,827 days as Zoe’s mom and N’s wife. How fortunate we are that N almost lost me because I’m not sure these last 1,827 days would’ve been as cherished as they have been. I’m known to have rules and be a little OCD. Bless him.
Zoe’s birthday brings many milestones, but one reminder: choose joy!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
She is...
Zoe is:
Witty - She is funny without even trying and already has great timing.
Kind - She loves her friends and family and demonstrates that through her actions. I'm positive her heart is bigger than her body.
Imaginative - She has a play going in her head at all times, knows exactly who would play the best character, what lines to say and what we should all be wearing. I'm positive she looks at life as though it's a Broadway musical.
Smart and Clever - She can already write all her letters, knows the sounds they make, does basic math and is learning to read. She can also look at something and know how it works. I'm blown away by how her mind.
Five - She's officially a whole hand today.
Happy birthday Doods! We fall more in love with you everyday.
Witty - She is funny without even trying and already has great timing.
Kind - She loves her friends and family and demonstrates that through her actions. I'm positive her heart is bigger than her body.
Imaginative - She has a play going in her head at all times, knows exactly who would play the best character, what lines to say and what we should all be wearing. I'm positive she looks at life as though it's a Broadway musical.
Smart and Clever - She can already write all her letters, knows the sounds they make, does basic math and is learning to read. She can also look at something and know how it works. I'm blown away by how her mind.
Five - She's officially a whole hand today.
Happy birthday Doods! We fall more in love with you everyday.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
She's a Natural
Sometimes, when I'm running late, Zoe will have eaten dinner before I get home and then my mom and I have dinner together. This usually means that Zoe spends the whole dinner asking if I'm done yet and can we play.
Last night was a bit different. She played by herself while Grandma and I ate. The second she saw that I was done, she comes over, tilts her head to the side, puts on a sweet smile and says, "mommy, will you play with me" and then started batting her eyes.
We are in BIG trouble!
Last night was a bit different. She played by herself while Grandma and I ate. The second she saw that I was done, she comes over, tilts her head to the side, puts on a sweet smile and says, "mommy, will you play with me" and then started batting her eyes.
We are in BIG trouble!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Birthday Parties = Venti Mondays
I had planned to have all kinds of carnival pictures for this blog today. I was super excited to document what everything looked like and how fun it was. Then three things happened: N couldn't make it home because of all the ice, I had to be the decorator and the muscle and the kids arrived early!
I'm not complaining, we had a great time. I just had zero time to get pictures of things. The second we were done getting set up, the kids arrived. I'm not exaggerating when I say, I took the tape back to the storage room and kid's were coming in the door. There's no real pictures of the cake table, of any of the booths or the prize table, few pictures of the kids in action and zero pictures of Zoe and her sisters.
It's so unlike me.
I did manage to get pictures of Zoe with almost all of her friends. That was a huge answer to prayer since they took home a photo frame for a picture of them with Zoe!
Even though I can't document the day, I can tell you the kids had a blast. There was so many giggles, kids excited to take their tickets to the prize table and shop, Kool-Aid mustaches and cupcake crumbs everywhere.
Zoe made the rounds to visit all her friends, play at the booths and with each present she proclaimed, "this is just what I wanted!" I'm positive each child felt like they knew her the best.
By Saturday night, we were all exhausted and just opening the presents from the boxes took extra effort. Because it was a special day and N wasn't home, Zoe and I did a slumber party in my bed. I've never seen her sleep so wild before. She was everywhere and then she yelled, "grandma, I have another ticket!" You know it was a great day for her too.
I'm not complaining, we had a great time. I just had zero time to get pictures of things. The second we were done getting set up, the kids arrived. I'm not exaggerating when I say, I took the tape back to the storage room and kid's were coming in the door. There's no real pictures of the cake table, of any of the booths or the prize table, few pictures of the kids in action and zero pictures of Zoe and her sisters.
It's so unlike me.
I did manage to get pictures of Zoe with almost all of her friends. That was a huge answer to prayer since they took home a photo frame for a picture of them with Zoe!
Even though I can't document the day, I can tell you the kids had a blast. There was so many giggles, kids excited to take their tickets to the prize table and shop, Kool-Aid mustaches and cupcake crumbs everywhere.
Zoe made the rounds to visit all her friends, play at the booths and with each present she proclaimed, "this is just what I wanted!" I'm positive each child felt like they knew her the best.
By Saturday night, we were all exhausted and just opening the presents from the boxes took extra effort. Because it was a special day and N wasn't home, Zoe and I did a slumber party in my bed. I've never seen her sleep so wild before. She was everywhere and then she yelled, "grandma, I have another ticket!" You know it was a great day for her too.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Snow Angel
We finally got our first real snow! We've been feeling grateful for the mild winter. It's allowed N to travel back and forth with no issues. That is until we got about 7 inches of snow in 36 hours and the dam got 1/2 inches of ice.
That's put a real damper on travel. Especially since we have a birthday party tomorrow.
Instead of focusing on the sad part of this story, we'll focus on the good part: snow angels. Zoe couldn't wait to get out in the snow and make some angels, snowmen and snow soup! I'm not entirely sure what snow soup is, other than a big bowl of snow that she eats with a spoon when she comes inside.
Here's our girl in action:
Trying to catch some snow flakes while making the angel. A girl has to multi-task.
So proud of her angel.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Math
Zoe loves school. She looks forward to everything that they do. I really don't think she's had a bad day. She's always eager to learn. The other night at dinner she taught me about regurgitation. She was so proud of those penguins that do it.
Last night she asked that we turn her easel around so she could use the chalkboard. That's when math class began. She was Ms. Zoe and I was student Kelly. For some reason when we play school I'm no longer mommy. All parental titles are thrown out the window!
She proceeds to write some numbers on the chalkboard and ask what they equal. Her favorite equation is 2 + 2 = 4.
All of this was her doing. She made sure the answers were correct by using her finger calculators.
I'm so amazed by her. I don't know if they do math class in Pre-K, but she's a little math whiz. She's doing addition and subtraction in her head already. I thank God for N, the other math whiz in our house. If she's doing this at age 4, I'm pretty sure we'll be in Algebra Trig in about 4 years.
Friday, January 13, 2012
We Bond Through Crafting
Since I've been busy making invitations for her birthday and helping my mom create cards for a scrapbooking day at church, Zoe has gotten creative too. She decided that she would put on socks and ice skate through the kitchen.
Having watched a show on TV about safety, she needed some knee pads and elbow pads. That ice in the kitchen is dangerous stuff.
She pulled out a green piece of construction paper and a red one. She made 4 of these:
I love how she accessorized them with a flower button made of cardstock.
She wore them around the house for almost an hour, feeling very confident that she was not able to get injured!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
My Name Is Martha in My Dreams
Zoe's birthday is a big celebration in our house for many reasons. Each year that we get to celebrate her brings my heart joy. On her real birth-day, we had no clue if she would see age 1, let alone age 5. Since hers is the only birthday where we get free reign, I tend to go a bit crazy.
I'm notorious for coming up with a theme and then trying to make a party from the theme, rather than seeing what's available and going with something. We've done:
Onderful Ladybuy Party
Tworific Garden Party (we planted seeds and Zoe was the only child to eat the dirt and seeds)
Footloose and Fancy Three (a music party)
Fantastic Four (a superhero party)
Then nothing fun went with five. Zoe thought of a So Fairy Five party and make it a Tinkerbell party. I loved it. She came up with a theme using the word "five" that was cute and full of possibilities. All of a sudden, without any warning, she thought that a fairy party was NOT COOL!
I've racked my brain about things that rhyme with five. None of them are what Zoe would like. Why couldn't we do the music/dance party this year. I could've gone on and on with Stayin' Five. I'm sure I could've even found a white, polyester suit for N! We could've given combs in their goody bags along with a disco ball. The ideas...they don't stop!
Then we tried to decide how many kids and do we invite her class of 24 kids? She already has, just not with an official invitation. We have 47 kids on the list. Granted, not all of them will come, but that's still quite a few kids. Some parents my just drop them off!
Then we tried to decide how many kids and do we invite her class of 24 kids? She already has, just not with an official invitation. We have 47 kids on the list. Granted, not all of them will come, but that's still quite a few kids. Some parents my just drop them off!
How do you entertain possibly 47 kids for 90 minutes? You do a carnival. Thanks to Martha Stewart, who has already done a carnival theme, and Oriental Trading, all I have to do is implement!
This past week, we made 46 of these:
I have to honestly say, this is the most kids we've ever had on the list, but it's been the easiest party to do. I've even recruited some people to be carnies for each of the booths.
When you turn a whole hand, you either go big or go home right?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Attitude Check
I love the Bible. I know that statement sounds a bit like I should be wearing a shirt that says "Jesus is my Homeboy" and passing out tracts. The truth is, it's a book that provides me nothing but wisdom, guidance and reassurance. There is one book of the Bible that I tend to avoid. I know what you're thinking, it's got to be one of those books of the minor prophets like Habakkuk. While those can drag a bit, it's a book written by a guy who was 1 degree away from Jesus. Granted I'm pretty sure they didn't play 6 Degrees of Jesus back in the day, but how cool would that have been.
I'm referring to James, the half brother of Jesus. Maybe it's just me, but anytime I study James, I go through a rough patch. The book is very small, but it has 67 commands in it on how to live your faith in your daily life. It deals with things like gossip, taking the plank out of your eye before you take the speck out of someone else's, reliance on God through trials and our attitude, to name a few. It never fails that God will give me no less than 67 chances to work on each of these. While Jesus died and rose again for me, James convicts me.
I can tell you right now, it's actively happening and we just started the study on Sunday! We only studied the first 4 verses. My friends, that's the power of James.
Things in life aren't where I pictured we'd be today. Our family isn't in the place we thought we'd be in. It's hard. Really hard to be separated the way we are and basically being a single parent during the week. It's hard working full-time when my heart is at home with Zoe. Nothing in this moment is where my heart is. Yet I know that's our future. I know that's what God is preparing me for; preparing our family for.
Of course God would lead me to the study of James. I need a checkpoint to make sure my eyes and my heart are focused on Him rather than on this situation. I need James, despite the fact that he's the guy I only want to have coffee with every few years.
I'm referring to James, the half brother of Jesus. Maybe it's just me, but anytime I study James, I go through a rough patch. The book is very small, but it has 67 commands in it on how to live your faith in your daily life. It deals with things like gossip, taking the plank out of your eye before you take the speck out of someone else's, reliance on God through trials and our attitude, to name a few. It never fails that God will give me no less than 67 chances to work on each of these. While Jesus died and rose again for me, James convicts me.
I can tell you right now, it's actively happening and we just started the study on Sunday! We only studied the first 4 verses. My friends, that's the power of James.
Things in life aren't where I pictured we'd be today. Our family isn't in the place we thought we'd be in. It's hard. Really hard to be separated the way we are and basically being a single parent during the week. It's hard working full-time when my heart is at home with Zoe. Nothing in this moment is where my heart is. Yet I know that's our future. I know that's what God is preparing me for; preparing our family for.
Of course God would lead me to the study of James. I need a checkpoint to make sure my eyes and my heart are focused on Him rather than on this situation. I need James, despite the fact that he's the guy I only want to have coffee with every few years.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
blessed.grateful.
As I look back at 2011, I feel complete. There are so many things that happened last year. Our lives seem to be getting busier rather than into a routine. God definitely doesn't keep us comfortable for long.
I'm amazed at where we are today. Honestly, I never thought I would have this life. For the first time in the 7 years we've been together, it feels like N and I have caught our stride. Instead of the 7 year itch, we've got the 7 year...whatever the opposite of itch is! I'm so proud of N. He's accomplished so many things this year that I think he's finally seeing himself as I see him. He's now a college graduate. Because of that, he's found his dream job, was hired out of several candidates and is now being groomed for leadership roles. He's finally in a place where he's encouraged and appreciated. Even though we spend the weeks apart, there is a peace that this is God's plan.
We entered the teenage years with the start of school this year. Despite all the talk about having a teenager, it has been a smooth transition. D is making excellent choices with friends. She loves youth group. We are so proud of the young lady she is becoming. I can't say enough great things about her. All my fears have been taken away. God definitely has hold her heart!
We have E back! For a long period of time we didn't get to spend time with E. She didn't want to come see us, didn't want to participate with us. It was hard. It felt like we lost her. Just as quickly, she's back, engaging us, hanging out with us and being the spunky kid that we love. It was a huge answer to prayer to have this change happen. We missed her!
Zoe is...there are so many things that I could finish that sentence with. She constantly amazes me. Her heart is compassionate for those hurting or left out. She collects friends and despite them excluding her, she just wants to include them. She lives her life in a play. There are lines, scenes and new characters each day. I have to pay close attention to any movie we watch as I'll need to remember the lines, scenes and what everyone said. She'll bust out the lines in our normal conversation. In Toy Story 2, Jessie calls Woody, "Wood-DEE." Just the other day she was talking to N and referred to him at "Dad-DEE." I am so enjoying watching her enjoy and live life. She's a great daughter, friend, she prays for those around her and her heart is full of love for the people in her life.
2011 brought a contentment that I have never felt. 10 years ago if you had said that I would be willing to be a stay-at-home-mom, a children's ministry volunteer, cook, clean and do laundry as my "job" I would've laughed in your face. Now, that's my heart's desire. Being involved in children's ministry at church has filled my soul. God has taught me so much about Him, life and myself through these various ministries. He's also refined me into what a wife and mom should be.
While 2011 was a growing, refining and maturing year, I can't wait for 2012. God is showing me my purpose. He's showing my family our purpose. I'm so incredibly blessed to have His grace and mercy each day as He guides me through this journey.
I'm amazed at where we are today. Honestly, I never thought I would have this life. For the first time in the 7 years we've been together, it feels like N and I have caught our stride. Instead of the 7 year itch, we've got the 7 year...whatever the opposite of itch is! I'm so proud of N. He's accomplished so many things this year that I think he's finally seeing himself as I see him. He's now a college graduate. Because of that, he's found his dream job, was hired out of several candidates and is now being groomed for leadership roles. He's finally in a place where he's encouraged and appreciated. Even though we spend the weeks apart, there is a peace that this is God's plan.
We entered the teenage years with the start of school this year. Despite all the talk about having a teenager, it has been a smooth transition. D is making excellent choices with friends. She loves youth group. We are so proud of the young lady she is becoming. I can't say enough great things about her. All my fears have been taken away. God definitely has hold her heart!
We have E back! For a long period of time we didn't get to spend time with E. She didn't want to come see us, didn't want to participate with us. It was hard. It felt like we lost her. Just as quickly, she's back, engaging us, hanging out with us and being the spunky kid that we love. It was a huge answer to prayer to have this change happen. We missed her!
Zoe is...there are so many things that I could finish that sentence with. She constantly amazes me. Her heart is compassionate for those hurting or left out. She collects friends and despite them excluding her, she just wants to include them. She lives her life in a play. There are lines, scenes and new characters each day. I have to pay close attention to any movie we watch as I'll need to remember the lines, scenes and what everyone said. She'll bust out the lines in our normal conversation. In Toy Story 2, Jessie calls Woody, "Wood-DEE." Just the other day she was talking to N and referred to him at "Dad-DEE." I am so enjoying watching her enjoy and live life. She's a great daughter, friend, she prays for those around her and her heart is full of love for the people in her life.
2011 brought a contentment that I have never felt. 10 years ago if you had said that I would be willing to be a stay-at-home-mom, a children's ministry volunteer, cook, clean and do laundry as my "job" I would've laughed in your face. Now, that's my heart's desire. Being involved in children's ministry at church has filled my soul. God has taught me so much about Him, life and myself through these various ministries. He's also refined me into what a wife and mom should be.
While 2011 was a growing, refining and maturing year, I can't wait for 2012. God is showing me my purpose. He's showing my family our purpose. I'm so incredibly blessed to have His grace and mercy each day as He guides me through this journey.
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