The impact of a legacy

2015 has been a difficult year at work.  We have had more people (clients, co-workers and family members) pass away in the first month of this year than we did all last year.  It has started me thinking about legacy.  The parent I am today is building a legacy for our daughters and their daughters and sons and their daughters and sons.  A legacy build on Jesus, we are promised, will continue.

“Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandment.”  Deuteronomy 7:9

I always knew both my grandma and my grandpa had been married before.  We had your typical, weird blended family.  My mom is an aunt to a niece who is older than her.  My grandma and my aunt (her daughter) were pregnant at the same time in 1954.  I didn’t know how odd that was until I got older.  My grandma never talked about her first marriage and so it was never something that was questioned.

My grandma was born in 1913.  It was a time of one room schools and before the 19^th amendment when women gained the right to vote (which was 1920).  I cannot imagine what that time was like and it wasn’t something we ever discussed.  She always said she forgot. 

When I was little we had to make a family tree for school.  There is some deep desire I have to find out my ancestry.  I can remember my grandfather teaching me German and telling me stories of his childhood, speaking only German until he started school.  Every time I tried to go back in my grandma’s family, she would tell me that her father was adopted and so they know nothing about his ancestors.

I never questioned either of them.

Until recently.

Maybe my age has given me perspective.  I now realize that my grandma was an alcoholic.  I’m positive we didn’t talk about the past for a number of reasons, but mainly because it included people we did not speak to.  My grandma cut everyone out of her life.  She had a sister.  She was a child of divorce and had a step-mother.  She had step-siblings.  She has nieces and nephews.  Yet, I don’t even know these people’s names.  For years I didn’t even know they even existed. 

As I looked into the past, I start to see all the layers of my grandma. 

Born in 1913.

Married in 1929, at age 15.  Her husband was 22.  My great-grandparents signed the marriage certificate.  We have a 15 year old.  I cannot imagine her marrying a 22 year old and signing the marriage certificate.

Then it made sense.  My grandma was 3 months pregnant at her wedding in 1929.  In July, at age 16, she gives birth to my aunt Betty.  Five days later, Betty died.  Every holiday we would take my grandma (who never learned to drive) to the cemetery.  She would spend very little time at Betty’s grave, almost like she couldn’t stand it.  Yet it was always important to go there, clean off the space and leave flowers.  Now I see this loss very differently.  In 1929, when you absolutely didn’t get pregnant outside of marriage, my grandmother was 15 and pregnant by her 22 year old beau.  Her parents signed off her marriage certificate and at 16 she is married, gives birth and loses a child.  At 16!  What kind of child was my grandma?  How on earth did she meet and hangout with, intimately, a 22 year old boy?  In 1929?  What kind of parents did she have?

Three years later, she gave birth to my aunt Donna, who was raised by my great-grandma. 

At some point my grandma got divorced and met my grandpa at a bar.  They got married, had two kids and I met her when she was 65.  My grandparents were awesome grandparents.  In retrospect, I can see that their marriage wasn’t a marriage, it’s was an arrangement.  I thought all grandparents had separate bedrooms.  I thought all grandparents didn’t really speak to each other.  See, this is my weird family.

If you connect the dots, my grandma was working and at the bar looking for a man, leaving her daughter to be raised by her mother.  I wonder if my grandma spent her life grieving loss – the life she envisioned, her children, her relationships – and that led her to drink.  Did she cut people out of her life because they reminded her of her past?  Or was this some legacy that she was carrying on?

I decided recently to use the power of the internet to see if I could find old adoption records on my great-grandfather.  Who was he and how did his relationship with my grandma impact him?  She cut him out when he remarried.  Was my grandma just throwing a tantrum or was there something else?  My great-grandpa has a very unique name and I was positive a search would lead somewhere.  I found his marriage certificate to my great-grandma, so I had a birthplace and parent’s names, but unsure if those were his adopted parents or his real parents. 

In a matter of seconds, I learned that my grandma wasn’t entirely truthful.  Maybe it was due to the legacy my great-grandpa left or was it another lie she made up, I’m not positive.  He wasn’t adopted, like my grandma made me believe.  He was raised by his father and a step-mother, because his mother died when he was 6.  In a way he was adopted, but only by his step-mom.  He still had his biological dad.  He was an only child and didn’t even attend his father’s funeral.  I doubt his father knew where he lived because the obituary was completely incorrect. 

Why did my great-grandfather stop talking to his dad?  Was the adoption story his or my grandma’s? 

My family is full of secrets that I am now only discovering.  I’ve been reading obituaries and hearing stories of lives well lived and legacies.  Yet, when I look to my own family history, the legacy I have been given is one of grudges and lies. 

I am so grateful for my mom who changed our legacy, by meeting Jesus and raising me on the foundation of Him.  I praise God that both N and I have that same foundation and are promised an inheritance and legacy for generations.  I am reminded that not everyone is as they seem, even those we think we know so well.  We are all shaped by our past. 

As I uncover more of my family’s legacy, I’m convicted to continue to rewrite that legacy.  No more secrets, no more lies, but a foundation built on the cornerstone of Jesus, the only legacy with a promise.

The Eternal View

Right now we are in the midst of great difficulty.  I know, if you’ve been reading, you’re saying “again?  Really?”  The answer is absolutely!  The closer I draw near to God the more I realize the why. 

This is life. 

This last week He led me to these verses:  2 Corinthians 4:7-18

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

¹³ It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”^[b] Since we have that same spirit of^[c] faith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. ¹⁵ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I was immediately encouraged.  When I looked into this deeper, I realized why.

We are hard pressed, like grapes being pressed for wine, but not crushed.

We are perplexed, like without a thought of what to do or where we are, but not in despair.

We are persecuted, like being stalked to be consumed, but not abandoned.

We are struck down, with heavy, overwhelming burdens, but not destroyed.

I try to imagine being pressed like a grape for wine, without a thought of where to go, as I’m being stalked for consumption and overwhelmed with burden.  My human self knows those emotions.  They call me to act, toward revenge, toward anger, toward justification of my actions. 

Yet, God says that I will not be crushed, in despair, abandoned or destroyed.  I read that to mean those emotions, while human, are not His.

My life is full of each of these things, yet I have more peace and comfort than I can explain.  What God is showing me is that my human view is limited.  I need to see His eternal view.  Each step I take needs to be in obedience to Him.  If it’s not, I can detour His plan.  His eternal plan shows His love to everyone.  His eternal plan is for salvation.  His eternal plan brings everything to Him.  His eternal plan brings Him glory. 

As I am pressed, perplexed, persecuted and struck down, He will use all of it for His glory.  I just have to rest in the knowledge that He is the author and perfector of my faith.

God, the silent teacher?

I enjoy social media.  I find it fun to check in on friends, see prayer requests, share pictures and connect.  I always find it fun to see what people post.  I think it gives a really interesting glimpse into their personality.  What I’ve come to notice thought is that there is so much on the world wide webs that isn’t truth about God.  Today I was going through some social media and saw a picture that said:

“When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is,

remember that the teacher is always silent during a test.”

I’ve seen this picture probably 100 different times.  It’s never really stood out…until today.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it and couldn’t figure out why it stood out.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized it stood out because I don’t agree with it.  It’s false. 

These past few years have been one difficulty after another.  In the last 18 months, I’ve learned a lesson on dependence that I needed.  It has shaped my walk with God so drastically that I am blown away by where He has brought me.  I am grateful for His unfailing love and guidance.  However, my experience has been the exact opposite of that saying.  My Teacher has never been silent during difficulty.  In fact, it’s been the exact opposite and He promises that in the Bible:

Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Psalm 9:9 “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.”

Psalm 62:7-8 “My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.  My refuge is in God.  Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him.  God is our refuge.”

It doesn’t say that He is a silent teacher, it says He is a refuge, a shelter and protection.  When my daughter gets hurt or goes through difficulty, she comes to me as her refuge.  I am not quiet when she’s hurting, I’m consoling.  I’m an active participant in our interaction, guiding, teaching, consoling.  I’m not behind a desk, being quiet.  I don’t believe God is either.  When we come to Him, He is a help and a shelter to us.  That is the truth of the Bible.

So why does this saying ring true?  Because sometimes God is silent.

I’ve experienced His silence during great difficulty and it sucks.  It is one of the most isolating feelings.  I spent many hours doing the ugly cry where I can’t breathe; snot is running down my face and tears blind my eyes.  I’ve cried out asking where He is and why He’s not here.  I’ve shed tears, begging for Him to draw near to me. 

You know how He responds?  I’m not the one who is far away and I am not silent.  You are.

Each and every time God is silent it has been because of unconfessed sin in my life.  There was a period about a year ago where I was in deep difficulty and God was absolutely silent.  I would try to draw near.  Nothing.  I would beg and plead.  Nothing.  I would weep and pour out my heart.  Nothing.  I would question if He loves me.  Nothing.

I turned to the Bible and you know where He led me?  Matthew 6:24a, “No one can serve two masters.  Either you will hate one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other.” 

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Very gently, very sweetly God showed me sin in my life.  I was serving my own pity and then seeking God.  I was loving the self-pity, the pour me syndrome.  I was serving that master and this sin had such a stronghold over me that I didn’t even realize how vast it was.  It looked like normal, human emotions that I felt I was pouring out to God.  Yet I was harboring these feelings as a justification for my action.  I was entitled to feel this way because of the great difficulty and injustice I was facing.  Hello sin!  As I repented of my sin of pity, He lovingly brought me into His presence and He spoke very clearly to me about what I was to do and who I was to be in this difficulty. 

In my experience, I’ve found that the Teacher is only silent when I am carrying sin around with me, when I’ve got some stronghold in my life that I am not dealing with.  The word humility/humble is mentioned over 50 times in the Bible.  To humble myself before God means to lower myself in importance, rank, status.  It’s not my human nature to do this.  Yet, the more I do this, the more I hear God so clearly it’s like He is next to me.

We are currently going through some great difficulty.  My human nature wants to deal with it and take action.  I’m ready to face this head on.   I am battle ready.  I’m armored up and ready to fight injustice.  I’m bouncing around the field, sword in hand, ready to attack. 

As I confess and seek God, you know what He’s telling me?  Rest, seek me, be still. 

Is that what I want to do?  Nope.  Not even close.  I am so ready to attack.  Yet I know God is sovereign.  I know His plan is always best.  I know, even though this seems to prolong the difficulty, my Teacher isn’t being silent.  He’s just not having me take action toward the difficulty.  He’s having me take action toward Him. 

That isn’t a teacher during a test, it’s a Father actively leading His child through life.  So when I’m going through something hard and wonder where God is, I confess, seek His face and He draws near. 

Strength Finding

I’d like to talk for a moment about personality or strength tests.  I had to take one when I was hired for my current job and the results were shocking.  I scored super high in one category – fact finding.  I didn’t think it was too odd…until I saw everyone else’s score.  Not only was mine high in that category, it was higher than anyone else in any category.  I came into this job with a test result that actually made the management nervous about me because of this score.  

We would be in planning meetings and they would say things like, “now don’t get caught up in the why because you’re such a fact finder.”  The reality is I like to learn and know, but it doesn’t hinder me from prioritizing or doing my job.  This test labeled me.

You can imagine my excitement when we have yet another strength finding test to do.  I had little hope in this new one after the disaster that is the Fact Finding Fiasco.  What little hope I did have quickly evaporated when the questions were:

Would you rather do homework or watch football?

Would you rather eat ice cream or drink hot cocoa?

Would you prefer to spend all your time reading or all your time playing football?

Out of 100 or so questions, I’m positive about ½ of them were about football.  Considering my choices were reading all the time or playing football all the time and I really want to say quilting, I was not excited about the future label I would receive.  I was positive it would somehow include lazy or uncoordinated!

To my complete surprise, the results were spot on:

1 – Belief – to have certain core values the cause me to be family-oriented, altruistic, spiritual and have high ethics

2 – Developer – to see the potential in others

3 – Connectedness – things happen for a reason; there is a bigger picture, even if you can’t see it

4 – Learner – getting a thrill from the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence (such a nicer way to say fact finder!)

5 – Input – being inquisitive and finding many things interesting

When I read about these strengths, I’m blown away by how much my faith comes through.  There are 35 options that I could’ve received, yet I can see very clearly that all of them are a direct result of my Christian walk.

It is no secret that the last year has been full of ways God was teaching me dependence.  I hope someday I can share, in detail, what each of these hardships were.  However, it’s been through intense hardships that I’ve learned this very basic foundation of Christianity – to have complete reliance or trust on Him. 

As I look at this list, I see confirmation that my weaknesses, while still a struggle, have also become my strengths.  I have absolutely no question in God’s plan and will for my life, even if I have no clue why I am where I am (belief and connectedness).  I praise the Lord that I can say I thirst for Him and seek His answers to my questions and choices (learner and input).  I see the result in my interactions with people, hoping to guide them to Him (developer). 

Now I feel as though I’ve been prepared for something.  I have no idea what that is, but I came out of those challenges ready for whatever He has in store for me and apparently strengthened.

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”