A few days ago I read an article online in Relevant magazine about the fatherless generation. With Father's Day around the corner, the article struck a nerve with me. Not because of the timing, but because I'm part of this generation before it really became an epidemic.
My biological father didn't want a child and he left. My mom and him weren't married, so leaving was something that could be done without any kind of legal issue. It was the late 1970's and being an unmarried, pregnant woman was still something taboo in society. My mom, being hurt, an outcast and left pregnant, decided to raise me on her own. She was so strong in her conviction to be a single mother, his name isn't even mentioned on my birth certificate. She didn't seek financial support. He had made his intentions and desires clear.
Over the course of my life my mother never said a negative thing about him. She allowed me to discover him on my own. At age 15 I realized he still didn't want me. That's no small issue for a teenager, let alone any age, to deal with. It took me a decade to really come to terms with the realization that his lack of interest in me wasn't because of me, but because of his desire to live a life for him rather than for others. As I say that, I really have no judgment in that statement. He made his choice. I hope he has a life that he's proud of. I wish him nothing but good things.
That's not to say his choice didn't leave consequences in my life that, at times when I let them, can crush my soul in a way no other hurt can. To not be loved or even thought of by your parent, whether your father or mother, is devastating. Two people on this earth are supposed to love you unconditionally and when one doesn't it's hard to not take it personally.
There has been a ripple effect in my life because of it. I never thought I was good enough for any guy to love if the one who was supposed to couldn't and didn't. I'd be remiss to also say that it took a long time, even after we were married, to trust that N really loved me and wasn't going to realize one day that I was unloveable.
One good consequence of my childhood was that I understood how important it was for my future husband to be a father to our children. At the top of my must-have qualities, right after being a Christian, was the desire to be an active father.
The first time I saw N after high school I sat and watched him play hide-and-seek with his daughters, who were 3 and 5 at the time. D & E were freely given hugs, kisses, tickles and his time. There was never a doubt that he loved and cared for them. He made sure he actively told them so. It was at that moment I realized I would marry him. I knew it wasn't a show for me, it was who he was. It was the first sign of his character that I witnessed. It made me fall in love with him.
Now we have three daughters who will face peer pressures, grow up in a society that is selfish and be forced to make choices at younger ages than I ever had to. I'm so thankful they have N in their lives. He will give them a sense of security and unconditional love from the one man in their lives they can count on. As a girl who grew up without that, I know the value of his presence, his time and his love. It's something they will never have to question.
After almost 6 years together, it's not something I question either.
Thank you N for being you. I know you have no idea the impact you have on our lives because it's just part of your character. Trust me when I tell you, you are no less than amazing. We are completely blessed to have your love. Thank you for giving it so freely and unconditionally. You have healed my heart in ways I can't accurately express. You have entered the hearts of our girls in ways that will carry them through life without even knowing you're doing it.
We love you completely. Happy Father's Day love. You are one of a kind.
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