When you are expecting (whether through your womb or adoption), everyone tells you how rewarding, yet difficult it is to be a parent. You nod, smile even and make some comment like "I'm sure it is!" Yet you never really know what they mean until you're blindly wading into it.
When Zoe was a baby, I would be so tired of her every-two-hour feedings and her noisy sleep that I was sure we'd never get through another night again. I'd get meaningful hugs as a woman whispered in my ear, "this will pass. You'll get through it!" I'd nod, smile even and not believe a single word she said. Then, almost randomly it seemed, Zoe started sleeping through the night.
As she did that, the next phase started. The one where she knew what she wanted, but couldn't say the words. There were moments of frustration for both of us when she just wanted something on the counter and her pointing didn't help me understand. Then she started talking with clarity and I knew "nee-nee" meant binky. I cannot describe how awesome it is to hear your child talk and actually communicate with you. I felt gray hairs actually turning back to brown. It was glorious.
As a step-parent nothing prepares you for what it's like to have children you love, children you want to impact and influence and yet you have no control over how they are raised. You also don't go through the phases like you do with your own child. You're thrown into pre-teen years without going through the lost teeth, the sleeping in a big girl bed, the skinned knees, the learning to ride without training wheels. You're part of a totally different game. It's a game where your heart plays in every inning without the benefit of having your name on the roster.
We are wading through some heavy waters right now. As a mother my heart is burdened. As a step-mother my mouth stays quiet to them and very continuous to God in prayer. I want all my girls to know right from wrong. I want them to all know that they can come to me with whatever they've done and I will lovingly accept them. I want them to know that I will love them all forever and for always, but sometimes there are consequences for bad choices. I want them to realize there are consequences for their choices, both good and bad.
Most importantly I want to be the mom each of them needs. It's a fine line because two of our girls have a "real Mom" as they remind me often. I think the hardest part is seeing, from the outside, how our girls' behavior is a consequence of someone's elses choices. I'm powerless to stop it. I can see the cycle and yet all I can do is love on them. All I can do is show them, through my actions, that I love them, no matter what their choices.
I can love on their daddy as he has to deal with this and the gray of his goatee gets a little more after each of these hiccups.
I actually never knew how hard being a step-parent would be. How emotionally invested you are. How much you can love. How little you can do. I just pray that God shows me what He wants me to do and gives me the heart I need to have as their mom. While society may put a "step" before my title, there is no "step" in front of my love.
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