The start of the sifting...

Recently I was faced with a very difficult decision.  I prayed for wisdom, guidance and discernment and God answer those many prayers with an unending supply of His wisdom, guidance and discernment.  I made the decision to leave the finance industry and take a ministry position.  I knew it wouldn’t pay enough to cover the bills and yet I knew that God would provide.  I quit my finance job and took a 32 hour per week job that paid me very little, but gave me the biggest blessing and that was time with my family. 

For 5 days I prayed for God to answer our finance quandary and to show me exactly what I needed to do with the money He blesses us with each month.  On the 5^th day, God gave me exactly the amount I had been praying for, but it was in the form of a counter-offer.  I knew, just knew that God was leading me back to my job in finance.  They gave me everything I wanted and then some.  I was empowered.  I had hope and unending peace that God was leading me back.

Here I am, 5 days into the new-old-finance job and I’m realizing that my reality isn’t different.  I was given promises by someone who is never in the office.  I was supported by someone who isn’t here to enforce those promises.  It actually feels worse than it did before. 

The thing is there was absolutely no hesitation in believing this is what God has for me. I’m still at peace with the decision, even though I’m not at peace in the physical building.  I feel like I’m going through another sifting, another time in my life where God is cleaning house and bringing me to full humility and submission.

I have ideas and plans and when I share those, I’m supported.  When it comes to actually doing, I encounter extreme resistance. 

I’m not entirely sure why. 

I’m trying to understand what God is teaching me and to see what He wants of me.  Yet, I feel so alone and at the same time know that isn’t from God.  Here is a verse that God has revealed to me every day this week and in various different forms:

“For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake,
But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you,
And My covenant of peace will not be shaken,”
Says the Lord who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

When God does that, He's speaking to me in His gentle whisper.  In this moment, I’m resting in that promise.  The feeling of isolation is starting to diminish with the knowledge that God has compassion on me.  I’m praying I feel it soon because my humanness needs that at times like this.

The Ichthus

When I was 18 we had to take a test, during a college/career assessment.  This test would help us determine what jobs would be the best for us depending on our personality.  I had no real idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I was relying on this test.

As I reviewed the results, I saw the job of mortician and instantly knew this test wouldn’t help me.  So I researched highest paying jobs with least amount of school.  I found financial advisor.  That was the route I was going to take until I determined what I wanted to be when I grew up.

When I was 24 I passed a finance exam.  It wasn’t just any exam, it was thee exam that would allow me to give advice and sell any kind of investment product.  It was thee exam that I knew would carry me through my career and help me climb that ladder.  It tested me on everything there was to know and I passed it.  I can still remember the absolute jitters when I hit “submit” and was waiting my score. 

To celebrate my passing of this exam, I wanted to do something big, something monumental.  My friend suggested a tattoo.  I thought that was a great idea.  The passing of this exam cemented my future in the finance industry so why not celebrate in a permanent way.

The problem was, what to tattoo?  I had no real idea what I wanted and yet it was going to be with me forever.  It also had to be small, discrete because I was entering a professional field and I didn’t think people would trust a financial advisor who was 24 with tattoos.  Even today, 14 years later, that still holds true.

I decided to get it on my foot.  In flip-flops, you can see it.  In shoes, you cannot.  Once the location was decided, I was able to narrow down the design due to size.

One afternoon, after much thought and some pressure since the appointment was made, I knew, just knew the tattoo I would pick.  As a Christian, I thought an Ichthus (some call it a “Jesus fish”) would be perfect.  Much like the permanence of my chosen career field, there is more permanence to my faith.  On my foot it would remind me to follow where God leads.  It would also remind me that my career in finance must always follow my belief in God and to not allow it to lead me into greed.

This little fish is less than 2 inches long.  It is, per square inch, my most expensive tattoo.  Yet, it is my most visible tattoo.  I see it every day.  I am reminded every day the decision I made when I was 8 to follow Jesus as my savior.  I am reminded every day:

·         My obedience to Christ is before anything else.

·         My feet must always follow where He leads, even if my human self is uncertain.

·         My faith will offend.

·         My faith will be challenged.

·         My faith, at many times, is in opposition to the very industry I couldn’t wait to join.

Today that is all about to change.  A full twenty years after I researched the career with the highest pay with the least schooling, do I finally understand what I want to be when I grow up. 

I want to be someone who makes an impact for Jesus.  I want to be someone who can expand His kingdom.  I want to be someone who follows wherever He leads, not matter the fear, the anxiety or the worry.  I want to be in a job that allows me the freedom to be a Christian.

I am saying good-bye to an industry that has allowed me to develop some skills and provided me with necessary knowledge, but ultimately showed me what I don’t want to be when I grow up. 

With the ichthus on my foot as a reminder, I am taking one step in obedience to Christ.  I am embarking on a new journey that is the complete unknown.  Despite that uncertainty, despite all the potential fears, I’m completely content and completely at peace.  That’s how I know the Prince of Peace is leading.

I am beyond excited for this next step, but also the ones to follow.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I can make a difference.

The Consequences of Hate

This past week I’ve had a rough time.  I learned some lessons on love that had the potential to totally destroy me.  Yet, my ever-faithful God guided me through the valley.  What could’ve taken terrible turns and the reinforcement of destructive habits, instead brought a different outlook and total reliance on Him.  He is so awesome!

For several years now, I’ve been the target of a smear campaign.  It’s been designed to bring about destruction, control and ultimately hate.    At every turn my words get twisted against me, my care and concern is called into question and allegations are leveled at me.  I am called to continually show these people love, but I’ve been wrestling with how to love someone who only hates me back. 

The reality is, my heart is absolutely, completely, irrevocably broken. 

In spite of that, I have already forgiven them.  It’s not bitterness, anger or unforgiveness that I’m feeling.  It all boils down to the fact that I don’t trust them.  I don’t want to put myself out there.  I don’t want to be close to them.  I don’t want to talk to them.  I don’t even want to be in the same room as them.  Yet, I unconditionally love them. 

I’ve been questioning what God is calling me to do.  Am I being obedient?  Is it obedient to forgive, but not be around them?  Is it obedient to forgive, but not trust?  He led me to three verses:

Hebrews 12:5-6 - ⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, ⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

Proverbs 3:11-12 -  ¹¹ My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, ¹² because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Revelation 3:19 - ¹⁹ Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.

I learned that rebuking and discipline are love.  I’m not saying that I am being called to discipline and rebuking the behavior.  That job is all His!  I did find peace in these verses.  They show that consequences to behavior aren’t ungodly nor hate. 

It doesn’t give me the right to be smug or mean, but it does give me the peace to know that it’s okay to limit my interaction.  It’s not my job to make them holy.  It’s not my job to limit the consequences of their choices.  It’s my job to forgive and to follow where God leads. 

He is Risen Indeed!

Today a colleague of mine discovered that the stock market is closed on Friday due to it being Good Friday and the exclamation was “pretty soon it’ll be Easter!”  This was followed by, “Easter is this Sunday?!”

As a Christian I forget that the meaning of holidays like Christmas and Easter are not the same for everyone.  Our Easter activities include egg hunts, but those things are always second to our celebration of our Risen Lord.  Friday is always a somber day as we reflect the death of Christ on the cross.  At a former church we always had a candlelight Good Friday service and it was requested that we not speak as we leave the church. 

It was this practice that made the death of Jesus so very real.  It helped me, a child of God in 2015, to remember His sacrifice, His horrible, torturous death on the cross for me.  Many people wore black and it was akin to a funeral. 

Then Sunday morning, in our bright Easter clothes, we would celebrate.  We would rejoice and be filled with the hope of His resurrection.  The celebration of Easter is so sweet!  It made real Psalm 30:11-12:

You turned my wailing into dancing;
    you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
    Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

Today was a reminder of what sin has made this holiday about:  bunnies, eggs, baskets and new clothing.  None of those things are bad, unless they are a distraction from Jesus’ death and resurrection.  As I look at this holiday, I see how powerful the weapon of distraction is.  It weaves its way into our thought process, our traditions, and our hearts.  It takes away what was once God’s. 

I’m in the midst of preparing for a women’s retreat and the topic is distractions.  My eyes have been opened to the reality of what this means in our fallen world.  My heart grieves. 

My prayer for this Easter is that people will see Christ, His love through His death and resurrection.  My God will turn my wailing into dancing and my grief into joy.  For He has overcome this world (John 16:33)!