On the Altar

For several months I’ve been earnestly praying that God would shape my heart to be a woman who serves Him well, a wife who serves N well and a mommy who serves our girls well. It started one night when I felt completely inadequate to be any of those things. Zoe was showing her independence, we had just had D & E for a weekend and I was easily frustrated with them, N wasn’t doing what I thought he should and I felt completely incompetent to be a wife and mom.


As I sat in prayer, I knew it wasn’t N or D or E or Zoe that was the problem, it was me and my heart. I realized that as long as I tried to control things, I would continue to stand in the way of all the things He could and would do for my family.

So for months I prayed for God to take my heart, mold it, shape it and make it His. While I’ve still got a long way to go, I know my heart is starting to change. My desire to control isn’t as strong as it used to be and my patience level has dramatically increased.

One thing, one story keeps coming to mind. It’s found in Genesis 22:1-22. It’s the story of Abraham offering Isaac as a burnt sacrifice. First off I just want to say how grateful I am that Jesus died on the cross and shed His blood so that we don’t have to do any kind of sacrificing. I don’t even like touching raw meat! Can I get an amen?



What I find most fascinating about this story is how it’s written to be so matter-of-fact. It lays out what Abraham was told, how he prepared, where he took Isaac and that God saw Abraham’s faith, stopped him and blessed his descendants. There is no editorial to the story. There is nothing that says Abraham’s men saw he was burdened. That Isaac had fear in his eyes as his father bound him. Nothing says Abraham didn’t sleep for three days or that he was often seen crying. As a parent, I’m convinced if the story was editorialized, those things and many more would be in it.

What strikes me most about this story is that Abraham was willing to give Isaac to God, no questions asked. As a parent, that’s how we’re supposed to be with our children. God didn’t give us D, E and Zoe. He put them in our care, but they are and always have been His. Zoe looks like me and can wiggle her toes like N, but she has never been ours. She is completely His.

Every day God calls me like He did to Abraham. Every day He asks me to put them at His feet, to trust Him enough with the most precious gifts in my life. I can honestly say there are many times daily, or even every hour, that I fail to accomplish this. My heart’s desire is to trust Him completely with my heart as a parent, with my heart as a wife and with my heart as His child.

There are times when it would be easier to say that I know better, that I cannot possibly do what He’s asked me to do. Yet, just like Abraham, we have to trust that His plans are greater than our plans. While I’m still discovering this truth, still learning how to trust Him completely and how to give up my heart for His heart, I am in awe of the things He’s doing to my relationships. I can honestly say I love deeper because of His hand in my heart. If that’s the blessing that comes from laying myself and the girls at His feet, I can in some ways understand Abraham better.