The Heart

This saying was posted to Facebook:

here’s to the girls:

whose fathers broke their

hearts before any boy could.

Parents, by nature, are going to make mistakes.  They are human, they have emotion, and they don’t know everything. That is part of this journey called life.  I’m extremely tired of blaming parents for life’s hardships.  We live in a world where people desire to be the victim and will do anything to live in that role.

My parents were never married.  I am an illegitimate child.  My father took off when he found out my mom was pregnant.  My mother, being an outcast even in the 70’s for being a single mother, didn’t list him on my birth certificate for fear that she would lose me.  There was no parenting plan.  There was no child support.  There was nothing.  He preferred that because then he didn’t have any responsibility for a child he didn’t want.  When I was 10, my grandpa died and I was a young girl desperate for a male influence in my life.  I reached out to my father.

If I was lucky, I got one phone call or letter a year.  When I was 15 he admitted that he never thought about me, he never remembered my birthday, he didn’t care about me, and he didn’t want to be my dad (he had a son that he was a dad to).  It was then that I realized the treasured birthday cards from him, weren’t actually signed by him.   It was at this critical moment in a girl’s life that I believed the lie that I was unlovable.  For the next decade of my life this lie would be the foundation of all my self-worth. 

I share all of this not for sympathy, but instead to show that I understand what that statement means.  I can tell you, my father, despite his choices, did not break my heart.  My father, through his actions, molded my heart. 

As a 15 year old girl, he stripped it of immaturity and wrapped it up during a time of life where most girls are willing to give their hearts away. 

As a 16 year old girl, his actions made me understand what it means to forgive and to be willing to allow forgiveness to enter my heart and heal it.

As an 18 year old girl off to college, his actions made me know my heart couldn’t handle rejection, so instead I guarded it and was protected from many poor choices I could’ve made.

As a 25 year old girl, my father’s actions molded it into a heart that was founded not on what men told me, but what God told me about myself.  It wasn’t easily swayed into love by compliments or wooing.  It was guarded because I realized it was precious. 

As a 27 year old girl, my father’s actions helped me to see a man who was willing to love that heart, despite its scars, and hold it, cherish it, and help it to grow.

As a 37 year old woman, my father’s actions helped me to see how much my husband loves with all his heart and how he freely gives love, patience and guidance to me and his daughters. 

To the girl who posted that Facebook picture, I say this:

Every single choice you make will have a consequence in your life.  I realize, since you are a teen, you do not fully understand how long consequences can last or even how deep they can take root.

It is your choice whether you accept both your parents as the ones God gave you and love them, in spite of how many of your expectations go unmet. 

It is your choice whether you will be the victim or the survivor of any situation life throws at you.

It is your choice whether your words will be used like a light that shines in the darkness or like dynamite that will destroy everything around it.

It is your choice whether you will work on a relationship or let it go.

It is your choice if you walk away from a man who desperately loves you and replace him with other men in your life.

The reality is, that man, your father, will love you until he has no more breath in him, despite how many times you make a choice to tear him down.

It is your choice.  Make sure you are ready to live with the consequences.

The start of the sifting...

Recently I was faced with a very difficult decision.  I prayed for wisdom, guidance and discernment and God answer those many prayers with an unending supply of His wisdom, guidance and discernment.  I made the decision to leave the finance industry and take a ministry position.  I knew it wouldn’t pay enough to cover the bills and yet I knew that God would provide.  I quit my finance job and took a 32 hour per week job that paid me very little, but gave me the biggest blessing and that was time with my family. 

For 5 days I prayed for God to answer our finance quandary and to show me exactly what I needed to do with the money He blesses us with each month.  On the 5^th day, God gave me exactly the amount I had been praying for, but it was in the form of a counter-offer.  I knew, just knew that God was leading me back to my job in finance.  They gave me everything I wanted and then some.  I was empowered.  I had hope and unending peace that God was leading me back.

Here I am, 5 days into the new-old-finance job and I’m realizing that my reality isn’t different.  I was given promises by someone who is never in the office.  I was supported by someone who isn’t here to enforce those promises.  It actually feels worse than it did before. 

The thing is there was absolutely no hesitation in believing this is what God has for me. I’m still at peace with the decision, even though I’m not at peace in the physical building.  I feel like I’m going through another sifting, another time in my life where God is cleaning house and bringing me to full humility and submission.

I have ideas and plans and when I share those, I’m supported.  When it comes to actually doing, I encounter extreme resistance. 

I’m not entirely sure why. 

I’m trying to understand what God is teaching me and to see what He wants of me.  Yet, I feel so alone and at the same time know that isn’t from God.  Here is a verse that God has revealed to me every day this week and in various different forms:

“For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake,
But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you,
And My covenant of peace will not be shaken,”
Says the Lord who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

When God does that, He's speaking to me in His gentle whisper.  In this moment, I’m resting in that promise.  The feeling of isolation is starting to diminish with the knowledge that God has compassion on me.  I’m praying I feel it soon because my humanness needs that at times like this.

The Ichthus

When I was 18 we had to take a test, during a college/career assessment.  This test would help us determine what jobs would be the best for us depending on our personality.  I had no real idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I was relying on this test.

As I reviewed the results, I saw the job of mortician and instantly knew this test wouldn’t help me.  So I researched highest paying jobs with least amount of school.  I found financial advisor.  That was the route I was going to take until I determined what I wanted to be when I grew up.

When I was 24 I passed a finance exam.  It wasn’t just any exam, it was thee exam that would allow me to give advice and sell any kind of investment product.  It was thee exam that I knew would carry me through my career and help me climb that ladder.  It tested me on everything there was to know and I passed it.  I can still remember the absolute jitters when I hit “submit” and was waiting my score. 

To celebrate my passing of this exam, I wanted to do something big, something monumental.  My friend suggested a tattoo.  I thought that was a great idea.  The passing of this exam cemented my future in the finance industry so why not celebrate in a permanent way.

The problem was, what to tattoo?  I had no real idea what I wanted and yet it was going to be with me forever.  It also had to be small, discrete because I was entering a professional field and I didn’t think people would trust a financial advisor who was 24 with tattoos.  Even today, 14 years later, that still holds true.

I decided to get it on my foot.  In flip-flops, you can see it.  In shoes, you cannot.  Once the location was decided, I was able to narrow down the design due to size.

One afternoon, after much thought and some pressure since the appointment was made, I knew, just knew the tattoo I would pick.  As a Christian, I thought an Ichthus (some call it a “Jesus fish”) would be perfect.  Much like the permanence of my chosen career field, there is more permanence to my faith.  On my foot it would remind me to follow where God leads.  It would also remind me that my career in finance must always follow my belief in God and to not allow it to lead me into greed.

This little fish is less than 2 inches long.  It is, per square inch, my most expensive tattoo.  Yet, it is my most visible tattoo.  I see it every day.  I am reminded every day the decision I made when I was 8 to follow Jesus as my savior.  I am reminded every day:

·         My obedience to Christ is before anything else.

·         My feet must always follow where He leads, even if my human self is uncertain.

·         My faith will offend.

·         My faith will be challenged.

·         My faith, at many times, is in opposition to the very industry I couldn’t wait to join.

Today that is all about to change.  A full twenty years after I researched the career with the highest pay with the least schooling, do I finally understand what I want to be when I grow up. 

I want to be someone who makes an impact for Jesus.  I want to be someone who can expand His kingdom.  I want to be someone who follows wherever He leads, not matter the fear, the anxiety or the worry.  I want to be in a job that allows me the freedom to be a Christian.

I am saying good-bye to an industry that has allowed me to develop some skills and provided me with necessary knowledge, but ultimately showed me what I don’t want to be when I grow up. 

With the ichthus on my foot as a reminder, I am taking one step in obedience to Christ.  I am embarking on a new journey that is the complete unknown.  Despite that uncertainty, despite all the potential fears, I’m completely content and completely at peace.  That’s how I know the Prince of Peace is leading.

I am beyond excited for this next step, but also the ones to follow.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I can make a difference.

The Consequences of Hate

This past week I’ve had a rough time.  I learned some lessons on love that had the potential to totally destroy me.  Yet, my ever-faithful God guided me through the valley.  What could’ve taken terrible turns and the reinforcement of destructive habits, instead brought a different outlook and total reliance on Him.  He is so awesome!

For several years now, I’ve been the target of a smear campaign.  It’s been designed to bring about destruction, control and ultimately hate.    At every turn my words get twisted against me, my care and concern is called into question and allegations are leveled at me.  I am called to continually show these people love, but I’ve been wrestling with how to love someone who only hates me back. 

The reality is, my heart is absolutely, completely, irrevocably broken. 

In spite of that, I have already forgiven them.  It’s not bitterness, anger or unforgiveness that I’m feeling.  It all boils down to the fact that I don’t trust them.  I don’t want to put myself out there.  I don’t want to be close to them.  I don’t want to talk to them.  I don’t even want to be in the same room as them.  Yet, I unconditionally love them. 

I’ve been questioning what God is calling me to do.  Am I being obedient?  Is it obedient to forgive, but not be around them?  Is it obedient to forgive, but not trust?  He led me to three verses:

Hebrews 12:5-6 - ⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, ⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

Proverbs 3:11-12 -  ¹¹ My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, ¹² because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Revelation 3:19 - ¹⁹ Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.

I learned that rebuking and discipline are love.  I’m not saying that I am being called to discipline and rebuking the behavior.  That job is all His!  I did find peace in these verses.  They show that consequences to behavior aren’t ungodly nor hate. 

It doesn’t give me the right to be smug or mean, but it does give me the peace to know that it’s okay to limit my interaction.  It’s not my job to make them holy.  It’s not my job to limit the consequences of their choices.  It’s my job to forgive and to follow where God leads.