The Heart

This saying was posted to Facebook:

here’s to the girls:

whose fathers broke their

hearts before any boy could.

Parents, by nature, are going to make mistakes.  They are human, they have emotion, and they don’t know everything. That is part of this journey called life.  I’m extremely tired of blaming parents for life’s hardships.  We live in a world where people desire to be the victim and will do anything to live in that role.

My parents were never married.  I am an illegitimate child.  My father took off when he found out my mom was pregnant.  My mother, being an outcast even in the 70’s for being a single mother, didn’t list him on my birth certificate for fear that she would lose me.  There was no parenting plan.  There was no child support.  There was nothing.  He preferred that because then he didn’t have any responsibility for a child he didn’t want.  When I was 10, my grandpa died and I was a young girl desperate for a male influence in my life.  I reached out to my father.

If I was lucky, I got one phone call or letter a year.  When I was 15 he admitted that he never thought about me, he never remembered my birthday, he didn’t care about me, and he didn’t want to be my dad (he had a son that he was a dad to).  It was then that I realized the treasured birthday cards from him, weren’t actually signed by him.   It was at this critical moment in a girl’s life that I believed the lie that I was unlovable.  For the next decade of my life this lie would be the foundation of all my self-worth. 

I share all of this not for sympathy, but instead to show that I understand what that statement means.  I can tell you, my father, despite his choices, did not break my heart.  My father, through his actions, molded my heart. 

As a 15 year old girl, he stripped it of immaturity and wrapped it up during a time of life where most girls are willing to give their hearts away. 

As a 16 year old girl, his actions made me understand what it means to forgive and to be willing to allow forgiveness to enter my heart and heal it.

As an 18 year old girl off to college, his actions made me know my heart couldn’t handle rejection, so instead I guarded it and was protected from many poor choices I could’ve made.

As a 25 year old girl, my father’s actions molded it into a heart that was founded not on what men told me, but what God told me about myself.  It wasn’t easily swayed into love by compliments or wooing.  It was guarded because I realized it was precious. 

As a 27 year old girl, my father’s actions helped me to see a man who was willing to love that heart, despite its scars, and hold it, cherish it, and help it to grow.

As a 37 year old woman, my father’s actions helped me to see how much my husband loves with all his heart and how he freely gives love, patience and guidance to me and his daughters. 

To the girl who posted that Facebook picture, I say this:

Every single choice you make will have a consequence in your life.  I realize, since you are a teen, you do not fully understand how long consequences can last or even how deep they can take root.

It is your choice whether you accept both your parents as the ones God gave you and love them, in spite of how many of your expectations go unmet. 

It is your choice whether you will be the victim or the survivor of any situation life throws at you.

It is your choice whether your words will be used like a light that shines in the darkness or like dynamite that will destroy everything around it.

It is your choice whether you will work on a relationship or let it go.

It is your choice if you walk away from a man who desperately loves you and replace him with other men in your life.

The reality is, that man, your father, will love you until he has no more breath in him, despite how many times you make a choice to tear him down.

It is your choice.  Make sure you are ready to live with the consequences.

God, the silent teacher?

I enjoy social media.  I find it fun to check in on friends, see prayer requests, share pictures and connect.  I always find it fun to see what people post.  I think it gives a really interesting glimpse into their personality.  What I’ve come to notice thought is that there is so much on the world wide webs that isn’t truth about God.  Today I was going through some social media and saw a picture that said:

“When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is,

remember that the teacher is always silent during a test.”

I’ve seen this picture probably 100 different times.  It’s never really stood out…until today.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it and couldn’t figure out why it stood out.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized it stood out because I don’t agree with it.  It’s false. 

These past few years have been one difficulty after another.  In the last 18 months, I’ve learned a lesson on dependence that I needed.  It has shaped my walk with God so drastically that I am blown away by where He has brought me.  I am grateful for His unfailing love and guidance.  However, my experience has been the exact opposite of that saying.  My Teacher has never been silent during difficulty.  In fact, it’s been the exact opposite and He promises that in the Bible:

Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Psalm 9:9 “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.”

Psalm 62:7-8 “My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.  My refuge is in God.  Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him.  God is our refuge.”

It doesn’t say that He is a silent teacher, it says He is a refuge, a shelter and protection.  When my daughter gets hurt or goes through difficulty, she comes to me as her refuge.  I am not quiet when she’s hurting, I’m consoling.  I’m an active participant in our interaction, guiding, teaching, consoling.  I’m not behind a desk, being quiet.  I don’t believe God is either.  When we come to Him, He is a help and a shelter to us.  That is the truth of the Bible.

So why does this saying ring true?  Because sometimes God is silent.

I’ve experienced His silence during great difficulty and it sucks.  It is one of the most isolating feelings.  I spent many hours doing the ugly cry where I can’t breathe; snot is running down my face and tears blind my eyes.  I’ve cried out asking where He is and why He’s not here.  I’ve shed tears, begging for Him to draw near to me. 

You know how He responds?  I’m not the one who is far away and I am not silent.  You are.

Each and every time God is silent it has been because of unconfessed sin in my life.  There was a period about a year ago where I was in deep difficulty and God was absolutely silent.  I would try to draw near.  Nothing.  I would beg and plead.  Nothing.  I would weep and pour out my heart.  Nothing.  I would question if He loves me.  Nothing.

I turned to the Bible and you know where He led me?  Matthew 6:24a, “No one can serve two masters.  Either you will hate one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other.” 

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Very gently, very sweetly God showed me sin in my life.  I was serving my own pity and then seeking God.  I was loving the self-pity, the pour me syndrome.  I was serving that master and this sin had such a stronghold over me that I didn’t even realize how vast it was.  It looked like normal, human emotions that I felt I was pouring out to God.  Yet I was harboring these feelings as a justification for my action.  I was entitled to feel this way because of the great difficulty and injustice I was facing.  Hello sin!  As I repented of my sin of pity, He lovingly brought me into His presence and He spoke very clearly to me about what I was to do and who I was to be in this difficulty. 

In my experience, I’ve found that the Teacher is only silent when I am carrying sin around with me, when I’ve got some stronghold in my life that I am not dealing with.  The word humility/humble is mentioned over 50 times in the Bible.  To humble myself before God means to lower myself in importance, rank, status.  It’s not my human nature to do this.  Yet, the more I do this, the more I hear God so clearly it’s like He is next to me.

We are currently going through some great difficulty.  My human nature wants to deal with it and take action.  I’m ready to face this head on.   I am battle ready.  I’m armored up and ready to fight injustice.  I’m bouncing around the field, sword in hand, ready to attack. 

As I confess and seek God, you know what He’s telling me?  Rest, seek me, be still. 

Is that what I want to do?  Nope.  Not even close.  I am so ready to attack.  Yet I know God is sovereign.  I know His plan is always best.  I know, even though this seems to prolong the difficulty, my Teacher isn’t being silent.  He’s just not having me take action toward the difficulty.  He’s having me take action toward Him. 

That isn’t a teacher during a test, it’s a Father actively leading His child through life.  So when I’m going through something hard and wonder where God is, I confess, seek His face and He draws near. 

Humble Pie

I, like everyone else, have many roles.  There are two roles that, if I’m honest, I struggle to understand:  2^nd wife and step-mom. 

I knew going into my marriage I would be in these roles.   What I failed at is understanding these roles.  I was in love with N and those roles were part and parcel with him.  I love his children, so the role of stepmom was viewed as a privilege (and it still is).

What I am learning is there are multiple layers to these roles.  At this point in my life, I’m struggling.  You see, there are consequences of divorce and there are consequences of a divorce with children.  We are dealing with those consequences right now.  They are beyond anything I can fathom.  For months I’ve been crying out to God, angry that I am dealing with these consequences when they aren’t mine to deal with. 

I was a girl who had 1 boyfriend my entire life.  I was 16 and it lasted only 24 hours because I was a bit awkward around boys and having one who liked me back was terrifying.  I can specifically recall the phone call where I broke up with him, after a sleepless night from fear.  For the next 10 years, I had some dates, I kissed a couple guys, but I was never in a relationship.  I never had another boyfriend.  Until, at 26, I saw the boy who was my boyfriend of 24 hours in high school, tricked him into a date and we’ve been together ever since.  N has been and is the only man in my life.  I haven’t had any other partners.  I waited for N. 

I’ve realized that I resent him for NOT making the same choices I did.  That’s not something he’s responsible for.  I’m responsible for my resentment.  For months I’ve been praying that God would show me how to cope, heal my heart and take away these feelings because they are my issues. 

I’ve spent countless nights in prayer and tears because this is not something I’m even remotely prepared to deal with.  I haven’t been the best at dealing with this.  I’ve taken it out on innocent people in my life and that’s wrong.  I’ve allowed these emotions to create sin in my life.  Yet, I’m completely clueless with how to cope. 

Then God used two people to speak His truth in my life.  I realized that my focus was on my own righteousness and that was a complete and utter distraction from God.  He has put me in these roles simply because I don’t carry with me the baggage from similar choices.  Because of that, I have the privilege of being His love, His compassion, His light in this.  I lost sight of what the other people in this are going through, what they’re dealing with and how I can show Christ through this.  After all, that’s what a Christian is - we are to be Christ-like. 

Christ became my sacrifice for my sin and yet, He knew NO sin.  He took my consequences upon Himself, lovingly and willingly. 

Here I am sitting in my little pool of resentment, overcome with Why Me Syndrome and crying because it’s not fair. 

Now I’m eating a big piece of humble pie.

How can I demonstrate the love of Christ, if I’m unwilling to be like Him?  How will my husband or my daughters know my unconditional love for them if I’m unwilling to let go of my hurt?

In the grand scheme of my life, the consequences we’re dealing with today are minor.  The consequences of my resentment will be life-long and they will turn my family away from Christ.

Our girls do not need any more distractions from Christ.  The world has that covered.

While this moment in our life is full of challenges, it is up to me how I deal with them. 

God has given me the roles of 2^nd wife and stepmom for His purpose and for His glory.  It’s high time that I dedicate these roles to Him and not my understanding.  As parents, we are in a battle with the world for our children.  I refuse to allow my actions or my feelings distract them from Christ.  I desire to be used by Him in the lives of our daughters.  I can only do that if he cures me from the Why Me Syndrome and turns my focus to Him alone. 

Romans 8:18 – For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.

1,827

I think there’s a saying that you can’t see the forest through the trees or something close to that. As I look back on the last several years, that’s the absolute truth. As I look back on my life, there are things that I’ve always wished were different. Yet, the older I get I realize that to do that, it would ruin God’s plan for my life. Every single thing, both good and poor choices, have brought me to this moment.

I love this moment.

It’s imperfectly perfect.

We were talking about the day of Zoe’s birth yesterday. It was the 5th anniversary of her amazing birth. It’s funny to think, but that’s not the day I remember. It all seems foreign to me. I woke up in ICU 5 years ago today and am pretty sure I looked like I had been abducted by aliens and they were experimenting on me. I learned that it took the ICU people 1 hour to hook me up to all the tubes, IVs, medication, etc. My first question to my mother yesterday, who was thinking she was watching her daughter dying, was, “why didn’t you get a picture of me hooked up to all that stuff?” I would’ve loved to have seen that. I can’t really imagine being hooked up to a ventilator and having a 5 IV poles supplying me with all kinds of good and powerful drugs. You’d think I should be like the Green Lantern or one of those X-Men with all the things they pumped into me. Really, how cool would that be? You almost died giving life to your child, to make up for not getting to meet her that day and having things go as planned, you can have one superhero power of your choice! That may be one thing I talk to God about.

As we were chatting about it, Zoe asked, “what present did you get me on the day I was born?” You know, birthdays = presents. I told her I gave her life. She was totally disappointed that I didn’t even have a stuffed animal or cute outfit. She has no clue how unprepared we were.

We were unprepared in so many ways. There is no shortness of God’s grace and mercy through the whole thing. It was like He was saying, “you kids got WAY off track and I’m bringing you back the hard way. Love you!” I always picture God throwing that “love you” in there to soften the blow.

The farther away I get from that day, the more I think, “I could do it again.” Which is totally ridiculous. I really should’ve died...two separate times. Yet here I am. Apparently God’s not ready for me yet and really, can you blame Him? I can be a handful. I’d probably be up there yelling down at N and Zoe to brush their teeth, put their dishes in the sink, go on a date to get ice cream rather than watch ANOTHER Wizards of Waverly Place! Since He could see all of this, He probably figured N could deal with it for another few decades! It builds character.

Sometimes I can get bogged down in life. Life is hard, stressful and chaotic. Yet it is full of so much joy that I can’t stand it sometimes. The happiest moments make me cry more than the hard ones. Yesterday was a reminder of all that I’ve been blessed with and how awesome this life is, stress and all. How fortunate I am to have had these past 1,827 days as Zoe’s mom and N’s wife. How fortunate we are that N almost lost me because I’m not sure these last 1,827 days would’ve been as cherished as they have been. I’m known to have rules and be a little OCD. Bless him.

Zoe’s birthday brings many milestones, but one reminder: choose joy!