One of the hardest things I've ever had to do as a mother is to leave my child. I had spent 18 days down the hall from her. I could see her each day, check on her, talk to her nurses. For 18 days I was an active part in her life.
I had to leave her. I had to go home. There was no reason for me to be at the hospital. Now I had to heal and be the mommy she needed. There were days I knew what that was and there were days I felt completely inadequate to be her mommy. Our emotional rollercoaster was only beginning. On Valentine's day we got word that Zoe was doing so well that they had moved her to the Intermediate Care Nursery. It was the move before she could come home.
We had been warned that babies born as early as Zoe could go between the NICU and the ICN several times before coming home. We couldn't wait to have her home. Even though we had heard the warning, we hadn't believed it would apply to us.
It would be another 59 days until she could come home.
It would be another 236 hours spent in the car driving back and forth to the hospital.
There were many days where she'd forget to breathe and have an episode. She would develop bradycardia (the heart stops beating) due to her apnea (forgetting to breathe). There were times when I'd watch the monitors and see her breathing stop and her skin turn blue. I had to learn to stimulate her.
Her first bath was in the NICU. Her first bottle was in the NICU. She met D & E from her isolet in the NICU. It was as though N and I had 67 days of training under the watchful eye of medical professionals. Many days I was too weak to spend more than 90 minutes with her. The roundrip added another 2 hours. I could barely function for the first couple weeks because I was so weak.
N and I watched as our daughter fought to survive. Each day that she fought, so did we. We became a team, a unit during this trial. While we still had much more work to do before our unit was a real family, the foundation was laid by Him through Zoe. Her birth prompted in us a radical change that should've been done long before N and I said "I do."
As I look back on this time, so many things were orchestrated by Him, long before we ever realized what we would encounter. I picked a hospital close to work because I selfishly wanted my vacation time. Yet the hospital closest to work is the only hospital with a NICU in the area and a trauma unit. If we had gone to any other hospital, Zoe would've ended up at the this NICU and we would've been separated. I probably would've have survived.
The doctor who ended up fixing my liver is one of the top surgeons in the nation. He just happened to be eating in the cafe as he waited for a meeting to start. He wasn't supposed to be at the hospital that day.
Nurse Becky's sister is a NICU nurse at the hospital. She kept a watchful eye on Zoe when we couldn't be there. All of my nurses and doctors were the best you could find.
My mom was able to use FMLA to be with us for most of my recovery. Without her being there, I probably wouldn't have recovered at all.
Our colleagues and friends that we had there made sure our nursery was stocked when we came home. They did my shopping and prepared us materially for Zoe's arrival.
Our church family here prayed for us, encouraged us and welcomed us home.
It was as though He was showing us all that we had to look forward to once our foundation was in Him. Losing our control wasn't easy nor fun, but once we did it, we have reaped the blessings tenfold.
Every time I hear Zoe take a deep breath over the monitor at night I'm reminded of what each of those breaths means. They are a reminder of where we've come from.
Our journey is a string of moments where God is shaping our lives to bring Him glory.
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