The Making of Our Family - Part VIII

The story is far from over.  I would go develop a blood clot bigger than Zoe's head in my liver cavity.  That meant another drain.  Then came a fever with no reason.  That brought fear that I had another clot carrying bacteria.  That could be fatal.  I was put on blood thinners and having blood drawn twice a day.  By then end of day three on the thinners, I looked like an IV drug user.  They put in a permanent IV, my third procedure.  When those things didn't drop the fever, they discovered fluid on my lungs.  They ordered a chest tube be inserted. 

During all of this, the chest tube was the moment that I felt confident about going home.  I felt confident that this was the thing that would make the fever stop, make the IVs stop, make the healing start.  I was also unphased by what else they could do to me.  My focus was on getting better so I could focus on Zoe.  So I could be the mommy I wanted so badly to be.  To have those moments that I had envisioned. 

When you have a chest tube put in, you are awake.  They numb the area, but it's a surface numbing.  You can feel everything about it, except the part on your skin.  Because you are coherent, you have an active role in the procedure.  At least I did.  I can remember laying there, feeling the pain of a tube being inserted between my ribs and then I couldn't breathe.

I had lost my ability to breathe.  It was like someone was holding my nose and mouth shut and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

All the noise of the room stopped.  Everything went calm.  I remember praying, "God, just take care of her.  She's in your hands now."  At that moment it felt like I was kissed.  My lips felt touched.  My breath returned.

I layed on the table, able to breathe and listening to the hurried sounds of people coming into the room.  A woman ran up to me and placed a mask on my face.  A man on the other side of me held my hand. 

A peace washed over me.  I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, both Zoe and I would be okay.  The Great Physician was on call.  He was in the NICU.  He was guiding the doctors and nurses.  He was getting us through this. 

Just as I felt it would, my fever disappeared and I was cleared to go home on February 13th.  That afternoon I said a tearful good-bye to Zoe.  I held her, rocked her, sang to her and left her in the NICU.  I left her with Him.