1,827

I think there’s a saying that you can’t see the forest through the trees or something close to that. As I look back on the last several years, that’s the absolute truth. As I look back on my life, there are things that I’ve always wished were different. Yet, the older I get I realize that to do that, it would ruin God’s plan for my life. Every single thing, both good and poor choices, have brought me to this moment.

I love this moment.

It’s imperfectly perfect.

We were talking about the day of Zoe’s birth yesterday. It was the 5th anniversary of her amazing birth. It’s funny to think, but that’s not the day I remember. It all seems foreign to me. I woke up in ICU 5 years ago today and am pretty sure I looked like I had been abducted by aliens and they were experimenting on me. I learned that it took the ICU people 1 hour to hook me up to all the tubes, IVs, medication, etc. My first question to my mother yesterday, who was thinking she was watching her daughter dying, was, “why didn’t you get a picture of me hooked up to all that stuff?” I would’ve loved to have seen that. I can’t really imagine being hooked up to a ventilator and having a 5 IV poles supplying me with all kinds of good and powerful drugs. You’d think I should be like the Green Lantern or one of those X-Men with all the things they pumped into me. Really, how cool would that be? You almost died giving life to your child, to make up for not getting to meet her that day and having things go as planned, you can have one superhero power of your choice! That may be one thing I talk to God about.

As we were chatting about it, Zoe asked, “what present did you get me on the day I was born?” You know, birthdays = presents. I told her I gave her life. She was totally disappointed that I didn’t even have a stuffed animal or cute outfit. She has no clue how unprepared we were.

We were unprepared in so many ways. There is no shortness of God’s grace and mercy through the whole thing. It was like He was saying, “you kids got WAY off track and I’m bringing you back the hard way. Love you!” I always picture God throwing that “love you” in there to soften the blow.

The farther away I get from that day, the more I think, “I could do it again.” Which is totally ridiculous. I really should’ve died...two separate times. Yet here I am. Apparently God’s not ready for me yet and really, can you blame Him? I can be a handful. I’d probably be up there yelling down at N and Zoe to brush their teeth, put their dishes in the sink, go on a date to get ice cream rather than watch ANOTHER Wizards of Waverly Place! Since He could see all of this, He probably figured N could deal with it for another few decades! It builds character.

Sometimes I can get bogged down in life. Life is hard, stressful and chaotic. Yet it is full of so much joy that I can’t stand it sometimes. The happiest moments make me cry more than the hard ones. Yesterday was a reminder of all that I’ve been blessed with and how awesome this life is, stress and all. How fortunate I am to have had these past 1,827 days as Zoe’s mom and N’s wife. How fortunate we are that N almost lost me because I’m not sure these last 1,827 days would’ve been as cherished as they have been. I’m known to have rules and be a little OCD. Bless him.

Zoe’s birthday brings many milestones, but one reminder: choose joy!