Fragile

Ever since Zoe's accident last week, I've been a little on edge.  With her birth being so traumatic, I am keenly aware of how fragile life is.  I have a very different view of being a mother than I did when I got pregnant.  I see all the things in life that I want to protect our girls from.  It's not just injury, it's bullies, low self-esteem, cancer, people intent on hurting them, and on and on and on.  I see our girls as fragile, tender children who only need to know the best that life has to offer.

I want to give them only that life. 

I want to wrap them in bubble wrap and go everywhere with them.  I'm sure they'd love it, but unfortunately it's not realistic!  I have to have faith that God has them in His care.  I have to remind myself that our girls are actually His, not mine.  I'm just the blessed woman who gets to be in their life. 

Sometimes at night, when I'm drifting off to sleep and my subconscious takes over, I have those flashbacks of the "worst case scenario."  I know, over time, these will fade.  If I look back on Zoe's life, she's been protected in so many ways.  They are ways that only God can protect her.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, He's got her.  There are just those moments when I'm totally human. 

N and I were talking about our life together.  It started bad.  We both weren't the partner we needed to be.  If we look back, we wouldn't change anything.  It's paved the way for where we are now.  Despite the miles, despite the stress that can cause, we are in a better place than we have ever been.  That's only a God thing.

I have to remind myself that nothing is a surprise to God.  He doesn't sit up there and say, "wow, I did not see that one coming!"  He puts the details together that pave the way for what He has planned for us.  I know He does the exact same for our girls.

There are moments when I realize how little control I have.  How much I'm on the ride just as much as N and our girls.  I have faith that the God who brings us to the trial, will walk us through it.  I know His plan is better than anything I could dream up. 

This week has been reminder of how fragile life is.  That reminder keeps me in the moment.  It keeps me thanking God for all that He's done for us, despite my very selfish nature.  I'm humbled to be given this life because I don't deserve it.  I'm challenged to give everything to Him.  To put everything, including myself and my family, at His feet.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  I Thessalonians 5:16-18