Miracles Despite My Unbelief

As we enter the Christmas season, I am overwhelmed by God’s love for me.  This past year God has shown His great love for me in a multitude of ways.  He continues to show me my sin and all the habits that make that sin my default behavior.  He hasn’t condemned me, but instead whispered encouragement and surrounded me with love and peace as He shows me new ways to live in this world. 

The biggest, tangible blessing has been in the form of reconciliation and mended relationships.  For years I’ve prayed for the relationship with my step-daughters to be all that God desired it to be.  This year, when all hope of a relationship with them diminished, God showed me that my hope hadn’t been in Him, but instead I put hope in me and my plans.  Then He showed me all that He was capable of. 

It is overwhelmingly gorgeous. 

Every hope, every tearful plea, every heartfelt desire for our relationship has been given.  I praise His holy name!  For the first time, in our entire marriage, it feels like we are a family.  There is unity, there is laughter, there is communication, there are hugs and kisses, there are cuddles, and there is unconditional love. 

So many times I sit before Jesus, begging, pleading for this or that.  So many times I ask without really believing He can or will do it.  Yet, time and time again, He shows Himself to me despite my unbelief.  I am so grateful that Jesus became a man and understands our human weakness. 

I was reading in Mark, chapter 9.  There is a story of a father who brings his son to Jesus.  The father tells Jesus that his son is possessed by a spirit that doesn’t allow the boy to speak and makes him convulse, foam at the mouth, and grind his teeth.  The spirit had tried to kill the boy with fire and drowning.  The disciples couldn’t drive out the spirit.  The father asks Jesus if he can do anything.  Jesus tells the father this, in verses 23-24, “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”  Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Whatever we face, whether it be grief, stress, relationship issues, financial burdens, health crisis, despair, enter what you’re facing here, Jesus is bigger than it.  He is absolutely able to do more than we can imagine.  I’ve seen it with my own eyes, time after time, this year.  May He continue to help me overcome my unbelief. 

In every situation. 

For all the days He blesses me with.

The impact of a legacy

2015 has been a difficult year at work.  We have had more people (clients, co-workers and family members) pass away in the first month of this year than we did all last year.  It has started me thinking about legacy.  The parent I am today is building a legacy for our daughters and their daughters and sons and their daughters and sons.  A legacy build on Jesus, we are promised, will continue.

“Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandment.”  Deuteronomy 7:9

I always knew both my grandma and my grandpa had been married before.  We had your typical, weird blended family.  My mom is an aunt to a niece who is older than her.  My grandma and my aunt (her daughter) were pregnant at the same time in 1954.  I didn’t know how odd that was until I got older.  My grandma never talked about her first marriage and so it was never something that was questioned.

My grandma was born in 1913.  It was a time of one room schools and before the 19^th amendment when women gained the right to vote (which was 1920).  I cannot imagine what that time was like and it wasn’t something we ever discussed.  She always said she forgot. 

When I was little we had to make a family tree for school.  There is some deep desire I have to find out my ancestry.  I can remember my grandfather teaching me German and telling me stories of his childhood, speaking only German until he started school.  Every time I tried to go back in my grandma’s family, she would tell me that her father was adopted and so they know nothing about his ancestors.

I never questioned either of them.

Until recently.

Maybe my age has given me perspective.  I now realize that my grandma was an alcoholic.  I’m positive we didn’t talk about the past for a number of reasons, but mainly because it included people we did not speak to.  My grandma cut everyone out of her life.  She had a sister.  She was a child of divorce and had a step-mother.  She had step-siblings.  She has nieces and nephews.  Yet, I don’t even know these people’s names.  For years I didn’t even know they even existed. 

As I looked into the past, I start to see all the layers of my grandma. 

Born in 1913.

Married in 1929, at age 15.  Her husband was 22.  My great-grandparents signed the marriage certificate.  We have a 15 year old.  I cannot imagine her marrying a 22 year old and signing the marriage certificate.

Then it made sense.  My grandma was 3 months pregnant at her wedding in 1929.  In July, at age 16, she gives birth to my aunt Betty.  Five days later, Betty died.  Every holiday we would take my grandma (who never learned to drive) to the cemetery.  She would spend very little time at Betty’s grave, almost like she couldn’t stand it.  Yet it was always important to go there, clean off the space and leave flowers.  Now I see this loss very differently.  In 1929, when you absolutely didn’t get pregnant outside of marriage, my grandmother was 15 and pregnant by her 22 year old beau.  Her parents signed off her marriage certificate and at 16 she is married, gives birth and loses a child.  At 16!  What kind of child was my grandma?  How on earth did she meet and hangout with, intimately, a 22 year old boy?  In 1929?  What kind of parents did she have?

Three years later, she gave birth to my aunt Donna, who was raised by my great-grandma. 

At some point my grandma got divorced and met my grandpa at a bar.  They got married, had two kids and I met her when she was 65.  My grandparents were awesome grandparents.  In retrospect, I can see that their marriage wasn’t a marriage, it’s was an arrangement.  I thought all grandparents had separate bedrooms.  I thought all grandparents didn’t really speak to each other.  See, this is my weird family.

If you connect the dots, my grandma was working and at the bar looking for a man, leaving her daughter to be raised by her mother.  I wonder if my grandma spent her life grieving loss – the life she envisioned, her children, her relationships – and that led her to drink.  Did she cut people out of her life because they reminded her of her past?  Or was this some legacy that she was carrying on?

I decided recently to use the power of the internet to see if I could find old adoption records on my great-grandfather.  Who was he and how did his relationship with my grandma impact him?  She cut him out when he remarried.  Was my grandma just throwing a tantrum or was there something else?  My great-grandpa has a very unique name and I was positive a search would lead somewhere.  I found his marriage certificate to my great-grandma, so I had a birthplace and parent’s names, but unsure if those were his adopted parents or his real parents. 

In a matter of seconds, I learned that my grandma wasn’t entirely truthful.  Maybe it was due to the legacy my great-grandpa left or was it another lie she made up, I’m not positive.  He wasn’t adopted, like my grandma made me believe.  He was raised by his father and a step-mother, because his mother died when he was 6.  In a way he was adopted, but only by his step-mom.  He still had his biological dad.  He was an only child and didn’t even attend his father’s funeral.  I doubt his father knew where he lived because the obituary was completely incorrect. 

Why did my great-grandfather stop talking to his dad?  Was the adoption story his or my grandma’s? 

My family is full of secrets that I am now only discovering.  I’ve been reading obituaries and hearing stories of lives well lived and legacies.  Yet, when I look to my own family history, the legacy I have been given is one of grudges and lies. 

I am so grateful for my mom who changed our legacy, by meeting Jesus and raising me on the foundation of Him.  I praise God that both N and I have that same foundation and are promised an inheritance and legacy for generations.  I am reminded that not everyone is as they seem, even those we think we know so well.  We are all shaped by our past. 

As I uncover more of my family’s legacy, I’m convicted to continue to rewrite that legacy.  No more secrets, no more lies, but a foundation built on the cornerstone of Jesus, the only legacy with a promise.

Rebuilt on the Cornerstone

This past year has been a huge lesson for me on faith.  Everything I thought I knew has been torn down, rebuilt, torn down, rebuilt, etc.  You get the idea.  I have been made aware of strongholds in my life and God has used a scalpel to extract that sin. 

I have hurt.

I have bled.

I have been completely broken.

Yet, the beauty that has come from this is awesome. 

I am so thankful to God that He loves me so much that He continues to work in me. 

Through this He has also shown me the effects of sin.  I don’t say this to claim that I am without sin.  He uses others in my life to shine a mirror on my sin.  What I see in other people, I try to evaluate in myself.  It is a humbling exercise.

In this past month I had a front-row seat to the devastating effects of hate and selfishness.  I have seen the hardening of hearts and witnessed the aftermath.  It is nothing short of absolute devastation.  It’s not just the personal devastation; it’s the complete annihilation of relationships for generations. 

A year ago my father-in-law lied.  He created an illusion, preyed on our emotions, so he could secretly divorce my mother-in-law.  I tracked him down, through his lies, because I knew the name of his mistress.

For the last year I’ve watched the devastating effect of his choices on those around him.  There is a loss of trust, relational division, anger, bitterness, resentfulness, and lies.  Each word that has been uttered has seemed like another layer of lies.

It is at times like this that I see unfairness.  He got married this weekend to his mistress.  There are pictures of smiling faces, of celebration, of joy. 

The photos you don’t see are piles of tissues soaked in our tears, scars that mark our hearts, and the tiny fissures that pierce our trust of others. 

I feel like we have been laid bare in the desert.  We are hurt, we are bleeding, and we are completely broken.  We are exposed. 

Yet…

there is healing from hurts that go even beyond this incident.

relationships are growing stronger, deeper, more meaningful.

hope is starting to flicker.

We are being rebuilt on the Cornerstone.  With that foundation, there is a future, there is Hope and there is Peace. 

I Peter 2:6 – “For in Scripture it says; ‘See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious Cornerstone, and the one who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.’”

Humble Pie

I, like everyone else, have many roles.  There are two roles that, if I’m honest, I struggle to understand:  2^nd wife and step-mom. 

I knew going into my marriage I would be in these roles.   What I failed at is understanding these roles.  I was in love with N and those roles were part and parcel with him.  I love his children, so the role of stepmom was viewed as a privilege (and it still is).

What I am learning is there are multiple layers to these roles.  At this point in my life, I’m struggling.  You see, there are consequences of divorce and there are consequences of a divorce with children.  We are dealing with those consequences right now.  They are beyond anything I can fathom.  For months I’ve been crying out to God, angry that I am dealing with these consequences when they aren’t mine to deal with. 

I was a girl who had 1 boyfriend my entire life.  I was 16 and it lasted only 24 hours because I was a bit awkward around boys and having one who liked me back was terrifying.  I can specifically recall the phone call where I broke up with him, after a sleepless night from fear.  For the next 10 years, I had some dates, I kissed a couple guys, but I was never in a relationship.  I never had another boyfriend.  Until, at 26, I saw the boy who was my boyfriend of 24 hours in high school, tricked him into a date and we’ve been together ever since.  N has been and is the only man in my life.  I haven’t had any other partners.  I waited for N. 

I’ve realized that I resent him for NOT making the same choices I did.  That’s not something he’s responsible for.  I’m responsible for my resentment.  For months I’ve been praying that God would show me how to cope, heal my heart and take away these feelings because they are my issues. 

I’ve spent countless nights in prayer and tears because this is not something I’m even remotely prepared to deal with.  I haven’t been the best at dealing with this.  I’ve taken it out on innocent people in my life and that’s wrong.  I’ve allowed these emotions to create sin in my life.  Yet, I’m completely clueless with how to cope. 

Then God used two people to speak His truth in my life.  I realized that my focus was on my own righteousness and that was a complete and utter distraction from God.  He has put me in these roles simply because I don’t carry with me the baggage from similar choices.  Because of that, I have the privilege of being His love, His compassion, His light in this.  I lost sight of what the other people in this are going through, what they’re dealing with and how I can show Christ through this.  After all, that’s what a Christian is - we are to be Christ-like. 

Christ became my sacrifice for my sin and yet, He knew NO sin.  He took my consequences upon Himself, lovingly and willingly. 

Here I am sitting in my little pool of resentment, overcome with Why Me Syndrome and crying because it’s not fair. 

Now I’m eating a big piece of humble pie.

How can I demonstrate the love of Christ, if I’m unwilling to be like Him?  How will my husband or my daughters know my unconditional love for them if I’m unwilling to let go of my hurt?

In the grand scheme of my life, the consequences we’re dealing with today are minor.  The consequences of my resentment will be life-long and they will turn my family away from Christ.

Our girls do not need any more distractions from Christ.  The world has that covered.

While this moment in our life is full of challenges, it is up to me how I deal with them. 

God has given me the roles of 2^nd wife and stepmom for His purpose and for His glory.  It’s high time that I dedicate these roles to Him and not my understanding.  As parents, we are in a battle with the world for our children.  I refuse to allow my actions or my feelings distract them from Christ.  I desire to be used by Him in the lives of our daughters.  I can only do that if he cures me from the Why Me Syndrome and turns my focus to Him alone. 

Romans 8:18 – For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.