Some Days I Categorize as Craptastic

Do you ever just have those days where you can't seem to shake the funk?  Three years ago we had a plan.  N went to school, got his degree, got a better job than entry level and we had some security.  He got a job with the US Army Corp of Engineers.  It's a dream job on many levels.  There was some concern, but God opened wide that door, slammed shut all the others and said, "this is my plan for you." 

So we made a plan...to pay off debt, to prepare ourselves for a life in a different city and to prepare for me to be a stay-at-home mom.

One day in January, that plan was shattered. 

Everything that we could see is now gone.  That light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed and there are days where I feel like it has extinguished. 

I know God has a plan.  He promised that in Jeremiah.  I have absolutely no doubt that His plan will be beyond what I could ever imagine. 

But...

Sometimes, the grind of each day is overwhelming.  We are in the midst of battle.  We are having to do this apart.  It's taking a toll on all our girls.  It's taking a toll on us physically, mentally and emotionally.  There are days where sleep just doesn't come. 

Right now we seem to be having more of those days. 

Yet...

I'm grateful.  This is the first time in my life where I seriously can't function without prayer and without His Word to guide me.  There isn't a day where I don't cling wholeheartedly to Him just to get up in the morning, to get to work, to make it through the day.  There isn't a day where I don't tell Him that "I just don't see what You see." 

Even though all the crap is happening and it could be enough to keep N and I living apart like this for years to come, I have peace.  I can find joy.  I can attempt to see each day as the blessing it was intended to be. 

Despite the fact that my soul is weary.

Despite the fact that I have no sense of security.

Despite the fact that I can't see what He sees.

His plan is taking shape.  Some day I will see it.  Some day I'll look back at this time and say, "oh, that's what You were doing." 

Right now?  It's minute-by-minute.  It's finding the joy in having the energy to do laundry or clean a toilet.  It's thanking God for the relationships He's given us.  It's seeking Him to show me His plan...to give me His view.

“Joy is always a function of gratitude — and gratitude is always a function of perspective. If we are going to change our lives, what we’re going to have to change is the way we see.” - Ann Voskamp