Humble Pie

I, like everyone else, have many roles.  There are two roles that, if I’m honest, I struggle to understand:  2^nd wife and step-mom. 

I knew going into my marriage I would be in these roles.   What I failed at is understanding these roles.  I was in love with N and those roles were part and parcel with him.  I love his children, so the role of stepmom was viewed as a privilege (and it still is).

What I am learning is there are multiple layers to these roles.  At this point in my life, I’m struggling.  You see, there are consequences of divorce and there are consequences of a divorce with children.  We are dealing with those consequences right now.  They are beyond anything I can fathom.  For months I’ve been crying out to God, angry that I am dealing with these consequences when they aren’t mine to deal with. 

I was a girl who had 1 boyfriend my entire life.  I was 16 and it lasted only 24 hours because I was a bit awkward around boys and having one who liked me back was terrifying.  I can specifically recall the phone call where I broke up with him, after a sleepless night from fear.  For the next 10 years, I had some dates, I kissed a couple guys, but I was never in a relationship.  I never had another boyfriend.  Until, at 26, I saw the boy who was my boyfriend of 24 hours in high school, tricked him into a date and we’ve been together ever since.  N has been and is the only man in my life.  I haven’t had any other partners.  I waited for N. 

I’ve realized that I resent him for NOT making the same choices I did.  That’s not something he’s responsible for.  I’m responsible for my resentment.  For months I’ve been praying that God would show me how to cope, heal my heart and take away these feelings because they are my issues. 

I’ve spent countless nights in prayer and tears because this is not something I’m even remotely prepared to deal with.  I haven’t been the best at dealing with this.  I’ve taken it out on innocent people in my life and that’s wrong.  I’ve allowed these emotions to create sin in my life.  Yet, I’m completely clueless with how to cope. 

Then God used two people to speak His truth in my life.  I realized that my focus was on my own righteousness and that was a complete and utter distraction from God.  He has put me in these roles simply because I don’t carry with me the baggage from similar choices.  Because of that, I have the privilege of being His love, His compassion, His light in this.  I lost sight of what the other people in this are going through, what they’re dealing with and how I can show Christ through this.  After all, that’s what a Christian is - we are to be Christ-like. 

Christ became my sacrifice for my sin and yet, He knew NO sin.  He took my consequences upon Himself, lovingly and willingly. 

Here I am sitting in my little pool of resentment, overcome with Why Me Syndrome and crying because it’s not fair. 

Now I’m eating a big piece of humble pie.

How can I demonstrate the love of Christ, if I’m unwilling to be like Him?  How will my husband or my daughters know my unconditional love for them if I’m unwilling to let go of my hurt?

In the grand scheme of my life, the consequences we’re dealing with today are minor.  The consequences of my resentment will be life-long and they will turn my family away from Christ.

Our girls do not need any more distractions from Christ.  The world has that covered.

While this moment in our life is full of challenges, it is up to me how I deal with them. 

God has given me the roles of 2^nd wife and stepmom for His purpose and for His glory.  It’s high time that I dedicate these roles to Him and not my understanding.  As parents, we are in a battle with the world for our children.  I refuse to allow my actions or my feelings distract them from Christ.  I desire to be used by Him in the lives of our daughters.  I can only do that if he cures me from the Why Me Syndrome and turns my focus to Him alone. 

Romans 8:18 – For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.