His Purpose

Recently I’ve been under some pressure.  There are many things going on that we have been dealing with.  At each step throughout, I have felt as though God has been stretching me.  He’s been saying, 

Put your trust in me.  I am in control.

On more than one occasion, I’ve had to blindly trust.  In the past, it was tangible things that I had to trust Him with:  a house, a job, school for Zoe.  

This year isn’t so tangible.  It is actions, provisions and various other things that deal with my heart.

Time and again I have to come to Him, scared, unsure and completely broken.  His answers, while there, aren’t as concrete as they have been previously.  For a Type-A, this has been a challenge.  

Then I come across a verse…

Proverbs 16:3 and 4a – “commit your activities to Lord and your plans will be achieved.  The Lord has prepared everything for His purpose.”

That last bit has been my hurdle.  For His purpose.

The challenge for me is learning His purpose.  There are weeks where I’m on my knees, crying out, wondering if I’m even going in the right direction because I cannot even begin to fathom God’s plan.

Then there are moments like today, where I get a small glimpse of His purpose and I realize that His timing is flawless.  I realize why, even a week ago, I didn’t see what I see today.  

It is the small glimpse I need to progress forward and know that I’m on His path.  While I am still learning to blindly trust, He knows what I will need even before I do.  

It will still be a challenge.

It will still be hard.

I will still cry.

He will remain ever faithful…for His purpose.

The Trouble With Afternoons

This week began a new phase:  all day school. 

Because we live in a place that is very close to the sun, our schools start earlier.  So Zoe started school this week. 

We officially have a 1^st grader!

Some anxieties about 1^st grade:

* it’s all day long

* will I know any kids

* will I have more homework

* what exactly do we do after lunch

* how can there be that much to learn to need to go all afternoon

* how soon after lunch will grandma pick me up

* why do I need three folders, what is going in them

* is there math, like lots of math

Some things we were totally excited about 1^st grade:

* 3 recesses

* lunch at school

As you can imagine, recess and lunch wasn’t really enough to tame the fears of the unknown.  We had a meet the teacher day, where Zoe got to find her desk, put all her supplies away and meet her teacher.  That helped some of the anxiety, but the all-day concept was still troubling. 

On day one, she had more excitement than nerves.

Until…third recess.

She slid off the play equipment she was sitting on and broke the fall with her nose.  Ever since the dreaded Stairs of Doom incident of 2012, Zoe has been prone to nose bleeds.  She is also notorious for breaking falls with her nose.  It’s is nothing short of a miracle that she has not yet broken her nose. 

On her first full day, we had a nose bleed, fat lip and marks to her face, her parents were called to school, she met the school nurse and her first day outfit had blood on it.

On her second full day, we had hugs, friends showing concern and many people who prayed for her recovery.  I’m happy to report, we only have a little bruise on her lip that you can’t see unless she opens her mouth.  She assured me that she would NOT be doing that at all today.

Some things we’re totally excited about 1^st grade:  lunch, recess and all her best friends in the whole wide world who make her day extra special.

We still aren’t too excited about being there all afternoon, but maybe after 3^rd recess, where she will “not be playing on those bars anymore” we will have a change of heart.

Gonna Be Startin' Somethin'

The one of you who reads this blog is probably completely and utterly shocked that I am actually posting.  To be honest, I thought I was done blogging.  Then something happened.  Something so big, so earth shattering that my desire to write things down came back with a huge force.  Do you wanna know what that big thing is? 

God 

I know that may sound cliché or even a little ridiculous, but there is no other way to say it.  In the last year God has been bringing me to a place where I’m broken and completely without a thought as to what to do. 

With the move from Spokane in the winter, I was brought into a situation where I completely had to rely on Him for answers to my 612 questions and anxieties about moving to the unknown.  It was through that experience I learned that God is in control of every detail, even before I realize it’s a detail.  His answers to those details far outperform my expectations. 

Then the new routine happened.  While I was prepared to trust Him for the answers to the unknown, I was unprepared to trust Him with life in the unknown.  If you can talk about things that stress a marriage, things like moving, finances, and new jobs top the list.  We had all of those in one month.  The stress of all that brought health issues, which brought our marriage into the eye of the storm.  For the first time since Zoe was born, N and I were in the storm together, trying to determine what the plan was.  You know what we did? 

We tried to control

We worshipped idols that put things in our lives ahead of God

We became critical, negative and irritable

We lashed out and blamed each other

We wallowed in self-pity

We began our cycle:  trust God, go in His path, get stressed, put God in a small corner of your life, wreck havoc….

Here’s the best part of this cycle.  Instead of continuing to try to do this on our own, we became part of a community that isn’t afraid to hold you accountable, isn’t afraid to show you your faults and isn’t afraid to guide you back to God.

For the first time in our marriage, N and I broke.  We both lay there completely and utterly broken.  We were shattered without any kind of idea what this meant.  We both had to acknowledge the things we were doing that were sin in our lives.  We had to get real and intimate and because we were broken, we didn’t have the energy to continue to hide. 

For me, I struggle with feeling unlovable.  I sometimes feel that if I don’t do something absolutely perfect, people will see the real me and they’ll find me lacking. 

I also struggle with being submissive.  I’m not good at it.  It contradicts me being able to prove that I’m lovable. 

Do you know what God tells me to do?  Submit to Him.  Submit to N. 

Do you know what else He tells me?  His love is sufficient.

I’ve been a Christian since I was 8.  I’ve been in church, Sunday School, Bible studies, theology classes at my Christian college and I own 3 Bibles, I’ve read the Bible cover to cover.  Yet Satan had such a hold on my thoughts that I felt unworthy, unlovable and was driven to control so that I could prove people wrong. 

I was allowing sin to have a stronghold in my life and I was totally unaware I was doing it.  I had a fear that if I didn’t continue doing it, life would crumble, people would leave me and I would be alone.

That is how incredibly talented Satan is.  How incredibly manipulative he is.  We can sin and not even be aware we’re doing it.  The world tells us the same thing.  Because of our insecurities or struggles, we believe the lie. 

For the first time in my life, those feelings of needing to control, of needing to prove my worth are dying.  Our marriage is on a level that it has never been.  We have an intimacy that I’ve longed for.  We had to break in order for God to come in. 

This is the beginning of my personal revival. 

This is God.

Christmas Program

Last night was Zoe's school Christmas program.  She has been talking for weeks about being a dove in the program and she couldn't wear glitter or heels.  We received a letter that the boys would be wearing red ties and the girls needed a fancy dress.  Zoe was beyond excited to get some more miles out of her favorite blue, twirly dress. 

The program was held at a local church.  Two of Zoe's classmates are members of the church and their dads are pastors there.  She was beyond excited to go to Addy's and Caleb's church for her Christmas concert! 

When we got there, we found her awesome teacher Mrs. Wood and some of her classmates.

What's funny is a little girl in the back totally photobombed me! 

Aren't they so cute all dressed up and ready to perform?  Knowing this was her second to last day with these wonderful people made me a little teary all night.  These are, quite simply, some of the best people I've ever had the privilege of knowing.  These children love each other like family.  Their parents genuinely care about each of our families and we all get along!  Mrs. Wood...there is not enough words to describe how incredible she is.  God has truly blessed her with a gift for teaching.  I am so blessed that she was Zoe's teacher.

The kids sang a song called "The Friendly Beasts."  It's about the animals in the stable being the first to welcome the Son of God to earth that night.  Zoe's part was the dove!



Because I have an "in" with the pastor's wife, I got second row to take these pictures of our girl.  When she spotted me, she waved and gave me this smile. 

Throughout the night I watched as families beamed with pride for their kiddos.  Absent was N.  While leaving these beautiful people is going to be hard, I'm beyond excited to share future events with him.  I know this is where God is leading us. 

Space Bubbles

On the weekends we have D & E over, we have to get a bit creative on the sleeping arrangements in my mom's 3 bedroom house.  It works out that Zoe has a slumber party with my mom while D & E sleep in Zoe's room.

This weekend Zoe was in with grandma and had this conversation:

Zoe:  Grandma, did you know in school we talk about bubbles?

G-ma:  Really?

Yeah, space bubbles.  Everyone has one and you're not supposed to go into other people's space bubble because you don't want it to pop.

That's a good thing to remember.

It is because you're in my space bubble.

(hides her laugh)  I'm so sorry.  *rolls over*

(minutes pass)  Grandma?

Yes?

I have too much space now.  I'm kinda afraid of the dark.  Do you see the space between me and the wall and me and you?  It's too much.

(Grandma rolls over)

That is so much better!

A Glimpse Into Her Future

This weekend my mom had her quilt group Christmas party.  She was planning to play Bunco.  Because you need a certain amount of people for Bunco, she invited Zoe and me to the party.  It was held at her community's clubhouse, so it's about 5 blocks up the road from her house. 

That usually means Zoe can ride in the front seat because it's not on main roads, just the community roads of the development.  Zoe LOVES that part.

After the party, she asked if I could put her booster seat in the front and buckle her in that way she could see out the windows.  She turned the whole ride into something hilarious.

She was the mommy, I was the daddy driving the car and we had an imaginary kid in the back.  She started to read my Pampered Chef catalog.

(not sure why the photo won't flip the right way.)

This was our conversation:

Zoe:  (talking to our imaginary child) Sweetie, we had to go all the way to downtown and it's going to take awhile to get home.  Just be patient.

(talking to me) Honey, can you believe this traffic?  It's going to take us forever.  Did you see this pizza pan for the BBQ?  We should totally get that!

Me:  I like that.  We should get that.  Are you planning lots of BBQ's for us? 

Should we look at lights on the way home?

For real?  Like we're going to take the real, long way home to look at lights?

Yes for real.  Want to drive around for a bit and look at lights near Grandma's house?

YES!!!!  (talking to our imaginary child) Sweetie, do you want to see some Christmas lights?  What?  You have to go to the bathroom?  Daddy, is there a bathroom around here?

I don't think so.

Sweetie, can you try to hold it?  Do you need to go in the car?

Go in the car?  That's not an option!  Daddy's do not allow that to happen!

Then we started looking at Christmas lights and our imaginary child that needed to use the restroom was forgotten.  It was the most fun car ride I think I've ever had.  I can only imagine the wife she'll be.  I'm a little concerned that she'll be the mom that lets her children use the car as their bathroom.  At least we've got time before I have to worry about that.

It Is Only the Beginning

The other day my cell phone rang.  It showed my mom's number.  When I answered, Zoe was on the line.  She had some questions about dinner. 

I found out that she got a cell phone book.  It's pink and says "Princess" on it.  Basically it's the same as a phone book, but she really doesn't know people, other than Grandma, that have landlines.  It's now a cell-phone book.

She's put all her people's names in the book. 

She also knows how to dial a phone...as long as it's a local number.  She's not too sure about long distance.

N and I have been getting calls.  All. The. Time!

It's super sweet.  It's usually to say she's thinking about me and loves me. 

On Sunday, N got about 5 calls about being loved and missed.

Who knew a cell phone book would be such a blessing.  It's way better than texting!