The God Who Sees

Yesterday was hard.

I quit my job in April to work in ministry and was beyond excited and had full peace that it was what God was calling me to do.  One week later, my current job countered and promised some things.  God gave me peace about staying, He showed me that He was testing my faithfulness.  Was I willing to leave the good pay, the comfort of what I know and follow Him where He was leading?  I was and still am.

Some of those promises that were part of the counter-offer were immediate and instantly stress was lifted off my plate.  New stress entered, but it was the kind of stress that would get me to the place I wanted to be.  It would give me the position and the responsibilities that I have been working toward and, in many respects, already doing.  One week ago I got a promotion!  That wasn't even one of the promises.

The final promise from April just now happened.  Yesterday.

Yesterday was hard.

As I sat in my manager's office, listening to the information, I cried.

This whole process has been about refining my control.  By refining, I mean totally obliterating it.  God has wanted me at His throne, realizing His power, His plan, Him.  It's been such an amazing lesson and much needed.

Yesterday He told me that my goals, while good, are not His goals for today.  As I went home, I cried and I opened a book I've been reading.  It is on the floor, tears streaming down my face in the middle of the ugly cry, where I met God.  He is El Roi (row-hee), the God who sees.

In Genesis 16 Hagar is the servant of Sarai and Abram.  Sarai cannot conceive, so she tells Abram to sleep with her servant Hagar and get her pregnant so he will have a son.  Abram does it.  Hagar gets pregnant.  Sarai gets mad and takes it out on Hagar, who flees into the desert.

There Hagar meets God and calls Him El Roi because He saw her, saw her pain, saw her mistreatment, and shows her His plan for her.

It was such a beautiful hug that El Roi gave me.  He saw me in that office, He saw my expectations, and He saw them shatter.  He also sees His plan, His purpose and all the things that it's not my time to know.

As I prayed this morning that God would go into the office before me, He laid my manager on my heart to seek her out and ask her how she was.  When I did that, God showed me His plan for this.  Because my God is the same God who sees her pain, her struggles, her need for someone to ask her how she's doing.

If He had answered my prayers and met my expectations, I wouldn't have seen His plan, His child who needed someone to care, Him.

I praise El Roi, the God who sees.  May He find favor in His servant whom He sees.

"You will not have to fight"

“Our God is so big, so strong and so mighty.  There’s nothing our God cannot do.”

These song lyrics are in my head this morning.  As a Christian, I give my requests to God with full knowledge that He is able to do the impossible.  I’ve seen it countless times in the lives of our friends and family.

Yet, I’m still always amazed at how He works in my own life.  The God who created the entire universe would hear my cry and love me so very much to answer.

This weekend we faced a battle.  We have experienced the battle countless times (actually once already in the last two weeks) and we were gearing up for it (again!).  Instead of just praying for protection and help, we prayed that God would completely eliminate the situation and soften hearts. 

You know what God did?   

He eliminated the issue. 

He softened hearts. 

You know what else He did? 

He showed us His power. 

I’m facing a personal battle.  It’s a HUGE battle.  Every day I’m in a mental battle to keep my focus on Him and not the problem.  Every day I’m in a mental battle to seek the Holy Spirit for my words and actions and not me.  Every day I’m trying to figure out how to control my emotions and just give them to God.  Every day I need God’s sovereign help to avoid bitterness, resentfulness, anger, and pity.

Every.single.day.

I’m growing weary.  I’m growing tired.  I’m growing discouraged. 

Then God shows up. 

In 2 Chronicles 20 Jehoshephat is facing a battle.  As the enemy approaches, God tells Jehoshephat to go to the battle tomorrow, but they will not have to fight.  As Jehoshephat and his men arrive for the battle, they see in the field before them their enemy.  Every single one of them is dead.  The enemy killed themselves.  

Friends, God showed up to our battle the same way this weekend.  He heard our cry, knew our situation and hearts, and took care of the battle.  He softened a hard heart so we would not have to fight.

In this battle that I’m still facing, I learned something very encouraging:

God doesn’t need my help to fight. 

He can absolutely, unequivocally handle any battle by Himself.  The only times I have to fight are the times when He wants to teach me something.

In the midst of this difficult battle, in the midst of my weariness, my focus is no longer on the battle, but instead on Him. 

What are you teaching me today Lord?  Help me to be an attentive child, wholly focused on You, Your plan, and purpose for my life.  May I glorify You in my desire of knowing You more.

The Value of Words

Over the past few weeks I’ve caught two people lying to me.  In both instances they’ve lied about inconsequential things.  One told me they were married when they are actually getting married next month.  The other told me they by chance ran into someone, but I know they actually had plans with this person.

It makes me wonder why lie about a fact that is so inconsequential.  Why tell me you’re married when you’re not yet?  Why tell me that you by chance ran into someone when you actually had plans with them?  I don’t get the purpose of the lie. 

The truth is we all lie at some point in our lives.  Most of the time I lie because I’m trying to make myself look better.  I left late and tell people “traffic was horrible”.  I’m lying because I think it makes me look better because it’s not me just being late.  I also lie because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.  “No that dress looks amazing on you.” 

Even these “little, white lies” impact the value of my words.  If I tell someone a dress looks amazing on them and really another style is flattering, will they trust my answers going forward?  If I use the traffic excuse and I’m late every time, people will know I’m lying eventually!

These lies that I’ve heard may be over inconsequential facts, but they make me question everything these people have ever told me.  If they can so easily lie about little things, what big things are they lying about?  I no longer trust them. 

Then I begin to wonder how many people don’t trust me.  How many times have I been caught in a “little, white lie”?  How many times have I promised to do something and don’t follow through?  Isn’t that the same as lying?

God brings me to this verse:

Matthew 5:37 “All you need to say is simply ‘yes’ or ‘no’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

Usually this verse is used when people promise or swear an oath, but I really believe it’s more than that.  It goes down to the intention of my heart behind the words I speak.  Do I promise something knowing that I have no intention of ever doing that?  Do I tell a lie because my intention is to never look bad? 

God gently tells me that by doing this, it’s for the evil one.  If my words have no value, it’s because I’ve given into the evil one’s temptation.  Trust is a beautiful, precious gift.  It grieves me that I may have lost trust because of my choices and it grieves me that it is lost because of other’s choices. 

Our words are a window to our intentions.  Our intentions are the mirror of our hearts.  I challenge you to ask yourself:  what words are coming out of my heart?

That question has convicted me this week.  I praise God for that.  The more we shine His Light into our sin, the less that sin has any power over us. 

The Puzzle Piece

Have you ever done a 1,000 piece puzzle?  The pieces are small and sometimes you’re looking for a small dot of color to know that piece connects to the one in your hand.  With a puzzle that large, you rely on the picture to know where the pieces go.    

Five weeks ago I was a pitiful mess.  I was depressed, overwhelmed, burdened, and completely hopeless.  To be candid, I actually had thoughts that everyone would be better off without me.  Those thoughts weren’t to the point of suicide, but they were thoughts of destruction. 

It took a business trip, far away and completely alone in an unknown place for me to hear the gentle whisper of God.  As I stood in the tall Redwoods and on the coast of the Pacific Ocean, I heard God so very clearly.  I cried out to Jehovah Rapha for healing from my unbelief. 

I came back home with hope.  After spending two weeks in repentance and prayer, God spoke to me.  Often times I have this mental image that life is a puzzle that only God can see the picture of.  I’m staring down at all the pieces, trying to know what picture I’m creating. 

In three days God walked beside me and showed me what I needed to connect this small piece of the puzzle to the next.  While I still have no idea what the puzzle looks like when finished, I know He’s connected two of the pieces together.

Here’s the best part.  I still have the exact same stressors.  I still have the same busy schedule.  I still have all the same things in my life that can make that overwhelmed feeling crash down on me.  Yet, my life isn’t the same.  I now know that I struggle with unbelief.  I struggle with my human nature that needs to know the finished puzzle picture before I start on the piecing. 

It is the realization of my unbelief that has changed my life.  We serve a God who can speak 4 words and create light out of nothing.  We serve a God who can be in two places at once and know everything that is going on in both places at all times.  We serve a God who knows the numbers of hairs on my head and holds my tears in His hands.  We serve a God who can raise people from the dead.  We serve a God who can feed thousands with just a few fish and a couple loaves of bread.  We serve a God who created me in His image and loves me so much He sacrificed His son for me.  We know a God who knows the intentions of my heart and still shows me His grace and mercy.  We serve the God who is the Most High God.  Nothing and no one is greater or more powerful than our God.

Yet, there are times I don’t believe He would use that power in my life.   Slowly, ever so slowly, God is showing me just how deep my unbelief is.  He absolutely would and does use His power in my life.  It is my own unbelief that keeps my eyes from seeing.  I praise Jehovah Rapha for His healing.  My eyes are being cleared and my El Elyon (the Most High God) is smiling down, guiding me as He creates my life’s puzzle.

Are We There Yet?

Today, at this very moment, I'm in the middle of the proverbial wilderness.  If I'm being honest, I've been here a long time.  For the past couple weeks the Lord has been revealing some history to me.  

Exodus 15-17 tells the history of the Israelites leaving Egypt and going to the Promised Land.  God brings plagues to the Egyptians and parts the Red Sea yet drowns the Egyptian army so His chosen people can go to the Promised Land.  What miracles these were!

Just a few days into the journey from the Red Sea miracle, the Israelites start to complain.  They have so easily forgot the miracles the Lord performed.  This isn't what they thought would be their fate.  Yet, in the midst of the complaining, God still does miracles.

They don't have water.  They are thirsty.  God takes them to some water, but it's bitter.  God tells Moses to throw a tree in the water and miraculously, the water is sweetened.  Yet this wasn't His plan.  He was actually taking them to springs of flowing water, but He had to continually show them His power, His plan, Himself.  He had to wait until they trusted wholly and without knowledge of the future.

To complain means to express dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or an event.  I need to confess, I'm a complainer!  I express dissatisfaction AND annoyance ALL.THE.TIME.  

What God has gently and ever so graciously helped me to see is that I harbor unbelief.  

I'm in the wilderness and He keeps showing me Him.  I keep complaining.  I keep forgetting His miracles, promises and character.  He has a plan and future for my life and I'm the kid who constantly says, in the most whiny voice, "are we there yet?"

I desperately want for the dreams that God has placed on my heart to come to fruition.  Yet I'm still wandering, waiting, and complaining!

This week, in the midst of a BIG hurdles, I met Jehovah Rapha.  This name of God means, The God Who Heals.

For my whole life I always thought this meant physical healing.  I learned this week, Jehovah Rapha heals emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.  

I am emotionally exhausted.  I have no more to give, little things absolutely overwhelm me and I'd prefer to just give up.  Just typing this makes me tear up and feel completely overwhelmed with feelings of failure and no worth.  

Yet, for the first time in a long while, I have a flicker of hope.  My Jehovah Rapha is healing me as I type.  This week I'm away from my people doing work.  I have had to travel alone, which makes me nervous.  In the midst of all that, I have been constantly shown His love and protection.  I have even begun to smile again.

What a blessing it is to be the daughter of the King of all kings!  I am still in the wilderness, still waiting for His plan to be revealed, yet I know that I have lessons to learn.  While I sit at the bitter water waiting for it to be sweet, I know that there are abundant springs awaiting me.  I just have to believe that He is bigger than my doubt, my hurdles and my understanding.  This is the work of Jehovah Rapha, healing my weak spirit and leading back, ever so graciously to Him.

Bothered

For the past several months, I’ve been struggling to understand people.  What motivates them?  Why do they care about certain things and not others?  What makes someone care about anything?

I had a revelation today.  Most people can’t be bothered. 

Bothered means to take the trouble; to trouble or inconvenience oneself.

Most people don’t want to take the trouble or inconvenience themselves to make something happen or to stop something or to change something. 

If my child has a messy room, unless that mess is inconveniencing her, she won’t bother to deal with it.  If there are days of dishes in the sink because I go on strike, if that doesn’t inconvenience my husband, he’s not going to bother to deal with it.  If someone in the office is making it hard for everyone else, unless it inconveniences the management because people are leaving and they’ll lose revenue, they can’t be bothered with it.  If I’m struggling with something in life, seek a listening ear and am told they don’t want to get in the middle of it, they mean they can’t be bothered with me.

I am having a hard time understanding why.  Why can’t people be bothered?  Why are we so lazy and so selfish as a human race to do anything remotely inconveniencing? 

I’ve got news for people:

Life isn’t meant to be lived in an easy chair with a drink in hand.

Life isn’t meant to be easy or painless. 

Life isn’t meant to always include days where you are well-rested and unburdened.

Life isn’t fair. 

Life is about others. 

Life is about relationships.

Life isn’t just about there here and now.

 

When we die there will be things said about each of us.  What exactly do you want them to say? 

Kelly always had the most comfortable easy chair.

Kelly never experienced any pain.

Kelly was so well-rested.

Kelly’s life was always the most fair.

No one, in the history of ever, has had those words shared about them.  The reality is I want people to say this:

Kelly was such a devoted wife and mother.

Kelly loved with every fiber of her being.

Kelly was always there to help.

Kelly loved serving God in all areas of her life.

Kelly experienced extreme trials and always sought God’s plan for those.

It shows a life that was bothered. 

There is a reason the Bible is very clear that everyone will give an account (Romans 4:12, Matthew 12:36, 2 Corinthians 5:10).  Someday that’s going to be me.  No excuse will pass the test.  None.  You can’t get the same God who knows my inner thoughts to believe me when I give Him a lie.  I will have to be held accountable for everything I did and everything I didn’t do, but should’ve.

I have no idea how eternal life works, but if it says I’m going to give an account, I better be comfortable with the account I’m going to give.