Fragile

Ever since Zoe's accident last week, I've been a little on edge.  With her birth being so traumatic, I am keenly aware of how fragile life is.  I have a very different view of being a mother than I did when I got pregnant.  I see all the things in life that I want to protect our girls from.  It's not just injury, it's bullies, low self-esteem, cancer, people intent on hurting them, and on and on and on.  I see our girls as fragile, tender children who only need to know the best that life has to offer.

I want to give them only that life. 

I want to wrap them in bubble wrap and go everywhere with them.  I'm sure they'd love it, but unfortunately it's not realistic!  I have to have faith that God has them in His care.  I have to remind myself that our girls are actually His, not mine.  I'm just the blessed woman who gets to be in their life. 

Sometimes at night, when I'm drifting off to sleep and my subconscious takes over, I have those flashbacks of the "worst case scenario."  I know, over time, these will fade.  If I look back on Zoe's life, she's been protected in so many ways.  They are ways that only God can protect her.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, He's got her.  There are just those moments when I'm totally human. 

N and I were talking about our life together.  It started bad.  We both weren't the partner we needed to be.  If we look back, we wouldn't change anything.  It's paved the way for where we are now.  Despite the miles, despite the stress that can cause, we are in a better place than we have ever been.  That's only a God thing.

I have to remind myself that nothing is a surprise to God.  He doesn't sit up there and say, "wow, I did not see that one coming!"  He puts the details together that pave the way for what He has planned for us.  I know He does the exact same for our girls.

There are moments when I realize how little control I have.  How much I'm on the ride just as much as N and our girls.  I have faith that the God who brings us to the trial, will walk us through it.  I know His plan is better than anything I could dream up. 

This week has been reminder of how fragile life is.  That reminder keeps me in the moment.  It keeps me thanking God for all that He's done for us, despite my very selfish nature.  I'm humbled to be given this life because I don't deserve it.  I'm challenged to give everything to Him.  To put everything, including myself and my family, at His feet.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  I Thessalonians 5:16-18

A Moment That Will Be Imbedded in my Brain for Life

As a mom, you know you'll have to deal with bodily fluids.  It's part of having a child.  What they don't really prepare you for is when your child is hurt and bleeding.  There are the cuts and scrapes that are normal childhood things.  Those are hard to watch, but manageable.  You know they'll be okay. 

Then there are the nightmare kind where you are trying to assess the injury, stay calm to not freak out your child and having your mental voice scream in horror at the site of your child.  That takes it to a whole different level of motherhood.  It's the newest part of motherhood that I've been initiated into.

On Wednesdays we have AWANA at our church and Zoe is in the 3-5 year old class.  Our church has approximately 1,652 stairs.  You have to go on stairs from the moment you enter the church, so you can imagine in a night, how many stairs you have to go on to get from one place to the other.  Zoe's class is on the second floor.  If you're coming down from her class, you go down 5 stairs, turn a corner and go down another 12-15.  I've never really counted.  It's never been an issue.  Zoe is like an old lady on stairs, she's very cautious and very slow.  Two things I'm grateful for.  She has a healthy fear of stairs!

There are 17 children in her class.  Zoe was second in line, so that means there were 15 children behind her.  15 children who are much more fearless on stairs.  At the top of the 5 stairs, they couldn't wait and basically Zoe got pushed.  She fell, face-first down the stairs.  Her nose took the brunt of the fall.

I've heard it said that nosebleeds can have quite a bit of blood.  That statement cannot prepare you for seeing that happening to your child.  One of the other children in the class told his mom that she "was bleeding from her eyes, cheeks, nose, mouth and ears!"  Basically he thought her face exploded.  I have to agree with him, it did look like that.

Fortunately, God has His hand on her.  She had no signs of a concussion, but we still took her to the ER, which she was so excited about.  A real trip to the ER!  The doctor confirmed that she didn't have signs of a concussion, specifically no blood in her ears.  She may have broken her nose, but they'd have to do a CT scan to determine that.  Since she didn't show signs of a concussion, that would be quite a bit of radiation to a small child to see if her nose was broken and if it was, there is no treatment for it.

We opted not to do a CT scan.  By day two, this is the collateral damage:

A gnarly rug burn on her nose.  She carries some ointment in her pocket and periodically puts some on her nose throughout the day.  It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen.  She's such a trooper.

On Friday she got a sneezing fit.  She never complained about pain, so I'm pretty sure it's not broken. 

Now I'm fighting the urge to wrap her in bubble wrap, carry her around and protect her from all things that may cause her to bleed.  Meanwhile, she is becoming more fearless.  She's already trying to go down the stairs without taking the last step, on purpose.  A mere 84 hours post-injury.  We may have another visit to the ER sooner than later for mommy's heart attack!

Sweet Heart

I came home from work and Zoe was bouncing all around, super excited.  She told me to close my eyes.

I did. 

When I opened them, she was holding this:

She saw them at the store and had to get me one.  She thought I'd love some flowers!

Sometimes, as her mom, I'm overwhelmed by her heart.  It came on a day when I could use a sweet reminder of what this life is about. 

I've Been Too Present

Zoe is starting to find any number of ways to prolong the process of going to bed.  It's dallying on her way to the bathroom.  Then she'll turn to Jell-O as I try to get her dressed.  Then she has some very looooong story so we can't brush teeth because she's talking.  Nevermind the 20 minute argument about her fluoride tablet.  By the end of this process, I'm exhausted and she's caught her second wind. 

She's now including a debate about the number of pre-bed time books we read and needing some water.

Last night my mom was going to read to her and Zoe asked for a glass of water.  As I left the room to get the water, I heard my mom start to laugh to the point she was crying, at something Zoe had said.  Apparently, after asking for a glass of water, Zoe turned to grandma and said, "that'll keep her running for awhile." 

The No Good, Very Bad Day

Zoe is quickly learning that there are good days and there are bad days.  Which is amazing since she really only knows a world that revolves around her.  If she wants to play something, she does.  If she wants to wear snow boots with her shorts, we let her.  The two rough spots of her daily routine including having to brush her teeth, twice a day and take fluoride tablets and not being able to eat chocolate for her meals.  I can totally identify with the last one! 

Yesterday it was a shock when I asked how her day was and her response was, "not so great." 

I'm always interested in her day, but I'm really interested in what makes it "not so great" since neither the topic of toothbrushing or dinner was mentioned.  Here's the rundown:

She wanted to play at the grocery store daycare center with her friend A.  When they got there, Grandma couldn't check in A because she's not related to A.  That was out.

They all went to grandma's house to play, but A wanted to play aliens and Zoe wanted to play fairies.  Neither would compromise.  Zoe declared that the whole aliens and not fairies had "RUINED HER WHOLE DAY!" 

A short while later, A had to go home, which was very sad because they had so much fun playing!

After A went home, grandma promised Zoe that they could go back to the grocery story daycare so Zoe could play for 15 minutes.  The daycare doesn't let anyone, except parents drop off the kids.  The parents can say that a grandma has permission, but they can't take Zoe unless the mom or dad was there too.  Strike two with the daycare!

You combine all these things into one day and BAM - a no good, very bad day for a 5 year old.

We drowned our sorrows in a Barbie movie about some mermaid princess.  That seemed to make it all better...until she realized that we had to brush teeth before bed. 

A Litte Sap, Alotta Dress

I'm finding the older I get, the more sentimental I get.  It's really foreign to me.  I usually don't get too weepy over things like Valentine's Day or our anniversary.  I get a little weepy about Zoe's birth, but that's a whole other story. 

It totally took me off guard to have this strong desire to look at our wedding photos and watch our wedding video yesterday in honor of Valentine's Day.  Fortunately I have an all-too-willing daughter who LOVES watching the video.  Sometimes her and Grandma just plug it in for fun.  I, on the other hand, haven't ever watched it.  I'm not really sure why, but it hasn't been something I've ever thought, "yeah, I'll watch my wedding video!" 

I've learned a few things from yesterday that I'd like to share:

1) If you put me on the stage, any stage, for any occasion, I will become a stand-up comedienne.  Apparently I feel a need to make people laugh and enjoy themselves.  This is especially evident when I forgot what the pastor had said and had to ask him to repeat part of our vow about commitment.

2) N and I talked most of the ceremony while the people were singing.  I have no idea what, but I think I may do some dub-over work and create a conversation for us.  That might be a great 10 year anniversary present.

3) I will never forget the look on N's face when I surprised him with the recessional song being the Star Wars Theme song.  The look he had was absolutely priceless.  When I think back to our wedding, that's the first thing I remember. 

4) When I'm in full sentimental mode, it's an all-out process.  Zoe LOVES my dress and plans to wear it when she gets married.  In true princess form, she asked if we had a carriage take us to the reception for dancing.  My darling little girl, I see so much of myself in her. 

5) I'm about 5 pounds or a great corset away from fitting back into my dress.  If that's not the best Valentine's gift anyone could have, then this is:

She LOVED being in my dress and wearing my veil.  She's sending a kiss to daddy in this picture.  I have a feeling a sentimental "Butterfly Kisses" will be the next moment we have when N gets home this weekend. 

Near or Apart

One of Zoe's favorite things to do is watch our wedding video.  She has plans to wear my dress at her wedding, which I think is really sweet.  As soon as the video is over, she's wondering where she was during our wedding.  Since D & E were there, she really doesn't understand.  That leads to a long line of questioning about how that is even possible.  I try to distract her with candy or something because honestly, I don't know how to answer those questions.  Once I told her she was in heaven waiting for God to give her to us.  That started a whole bunch of new questions about heaven and if she was there, she should remember more!  That's a whole other post.

Our wedding was perfect for us.  We have dads who are pastors, so it was a LONG ceremony.  It was so personal because they both know us as a dad would.  N's dad wrote our vows that were special for us.  To be totally honest, I don't really remember them.  I just remember getting choked up part way through. 

The life I had envisioned for us on that day isn't anywhere near where we are today.  I thought we'd have a couple kids, have a house and live happily ever after.  I had no real basis for how much work a marriage is.  Which is actually a HUGE blessing.  I think if I had any idea then what I know now, I would've tucked the train of my dress in and ran.  I wasn't much for challenges then.

Today, on our 6th Valentine's Day as a married couple, I'm amazed at where God has brought us.  How He has guided us despite the fact that we don't deserve it. 

He has used N to show me love.  Despite all our for better or worse, sickness and health, near or apart, that love for each other has been constant and has continued to grow deeper. 

On this Valentine's day, we are apart and yet our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. 

Happy Valentine's day N, you've enriched my life, helped me understand love and made me laugh the entire journey.  I fall more in love with you each day.  XOXO - Kelly