Approval

Why do we seek approval from other people?  What drives us to care what they think?  For most of my life I've been driven to do things simply because it's what everyone else did.

I recently went shopping for clothes.  If you know me, in the last 5 years, I have begun a hate-relationship with shopping.  In my younger years, I'd go shopping just because.  Now, it's maybe an every two year ordeal.  N was asking me what I liked.  In all honesty, I didn't know.  Mainly because I don't care so much about looking a certain way or being accepted anymore. 

Approval is tricky business. 

For most of my life my birth father was not around.  When I was 10 I reached out to him.  I wanted to know him and to have a dad.  For the next 5 years I'd get one phone call or one letter a year from him.  For that brief moment, I felt like I was accepted and loved by him.  I would dream about having a relationship with him, meeting my half-brother and doing things that dads and daughters do together.

When I was 15 I got a phone call that shattered that dream.  He acknowledged that my birth wasn't important to him.  He acknowledged that all the correspondence was because his mother prompted him to do it, not because he cared to know me.  In an instant everything shattered.  If the one man on this earth who was supposed to love me and he didn't, how would anyone else love me?  Especially a man. 

For the next decade I struggled with this.  Struggled to see myself as loveable.  Struggled to love myself.  It was that defining moment in my life where my past is categorized as before that phone call and after that phone call.

If I'm honest, this wound has never fully healed.  There are days where I'm still 15, on the phone with him and feel those same emotions.  I suspect this is something I will feel the rest of my life to some degree.

What it does for me now is something my 15-year old self would've never known that heartbreak would do.  It has shaped me as a parent.  I know the power I have as a parent, whether biological or step.  I know the impact that the love and acceptance of a parent can do to a child.  I learned that being a parent isn't about the grand gestures.  It's about the evening, in pajamas, playing school for the 1,500th time that day.  It's about searching for 20 minutes before bed for that certain stuffed animal that will make the sleep better.  It's the time when we paint our nails together.  It's the phone call or text just to see how they are.  It's the random "I love you."  It's the million little things that will fade with time, but that have an impact that will endure. 

The world teaches us that there is a certain way to be, to dress, to act.  It's hard enough to fit into that mold because it's ever-changing.  My heart's desire is for our girls to know that they are loved, desired and accepted just as they are. 

My approval of them is unconditional. 

My New Bedtime is 8:30

On Tuesday nights we go to bed early at our house.  At 8:00 we are in bed, ready to read a couple books, pray and have some chat time.  Lights out are are 8:30 (rather than 9:00) because Wednesdays are big days.  Zoe has school, ice skating, ballet and AWANA.  Without that extra sleep, we're in nuclear meltdown between ice skating and ballet.  Forget about AWANA.

Last night I decided to do the same thing.  I don't think I really moved last night.  This morning at 4:45 I was wide awake.

I spent some time waking up and then I couldn't lay there anymore.  You would not believe what you can get done by the time you have to leave at 6:30!

I finished Zoe's 5 year old photobook.  It's ready to order!

I got everything ready that I would need for AWANA tonight and for our leader's meeting.

I got ready for work and did some laundry.

I made some coffee and packed myself a lunch.

Really, my normal morning is rush to get ready, rush to find something to take for lunch, rush to find something to wear, rush, rush, rush.

This morning - mental clarity and quiet time.  Hello new bedtime!

Some Days I Categorize as Craptastic

Do you ever just have those days where you can't seem to shake the funk?  Three years ago we had a plan.  N went to school, got his degree, got a better job than entry level and we had some security.  He got a job with the US Army Corp of Engineers.  It's a dream job on many levels.  There was some concern, but God opened wide that door, slammed shut all the others and said, "this is my plan for you." 

So we made a plan...to pay off debt, to prepare ourselves for a life in a different city and to prepare for me to be a stay-at-home mom.

One day in January, that plan was shattered. 

Everything that we could see is now gone.  That light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed and there are days where I feel like it has extinguished. 

I know God has a plan.  He promised that in Jeremiah.  I have absolutely no doubt that His plan will be beyond what I could ever imagine. 

But...

Sometimes, the grind of each day is overwhelming.  We are in the midst of battle.  We are having to do this apart.  It's taking a toll on all our girls.  It's taking a toll on us physically, mentally and emotionally.  There are days where sleep just doesn't come. 

Right now we seem to be having more of those days. 

Yet...

I'm grateful.  This is the first time in my life where I seriously can't function without prayer and without His Word to guide me.  There isn't a day where I don't cling wholeheartedly to Him just to get up in the morning, to get to work, to make it through the day.  There isn't a day where I don't tell Him that "I just don't see what You see." 

Even though all the crap is happening and it could be enough to keep N and I living apart like this for years to come, I have peace.  I can find joy.  I can attempt to see each day as the blessing it was intended to be. 

Despite the fact that my soul is weary.

Despite the fact that I have no sense of security.

Despite the fact that I can't see what He sees.

His plan is taking shape.  Some day I will see it.  Some day I'll look back at this time and say, "oh, that's what You were doing." 

Right now?  It's minute-by-minute.  It's finding the joy in having the energy to do laundry or clean a toilet.  It's thanking God for the relationships He's given us.  It's seeking Him to show me His plan...to give me His view.

“Joy is always a function of gratitude — and gratitude is always a function of perspective. If we are going to change our lives, what we’re going to have to change is the way we see.” - Ann Voskamp

Yoga

I've heard of celebrities saying that their exercise consists of running and pilates.  I always think "yeah right."  Then I did pilates...I hurt for a full week.  I realized that those celebrities were probably right. 

The biggest thing about pilates at our house is my mat.  Zoe LOVES my mat.  It's her favorite thing in the entire world.  She's eager to learn yoga and pilates because she wants to use her mat.  They offered a 6 week workshop for kids.

Zoe begged and pleaded to sign up for it.

Every Thursday afternoon for 45 minutes she does yoga.  The smile on her face never fades.  She LOVES it.  She's learned all kinds of poses and each week has to make up one to share with the class. 

There are 5 kids in her class and she's the youngest.  It's adorable to watch her.  She tries so hard to get the moves "just right" and to create one that isn't like one they've learned.  They have cards with poses on them.  One side is a picture of the pose and one side is the written description of the pose.  They each pick one and then have to teach it to the class.

As I watched her yesterday with all her stretches and teaching the other kids, I was so impressed with her poise.  Then someone tooted in the class, which is my worst fear with yoga/pilates.  Honestly, all that stretching and relaxing, those things just happen.  It's quiet in the room and the music is softly playing in the background.  Then BOOM...toot.

After that, she kinda lost her poise because tooting in a room full of people when you didn't mean to is funny. 

After class we asked her if she was the one that tooted because her cheeks turned bright red when it happened.  Her response, "nope, mine was quiet!" 

She Surprised Me

It's rare that my people can surprise me.  N can't wait to tell me or give me something when he has a surprise.  It's rare that I get any present on the actual holiday because he's too excited.  Zoe thinks she's being sneaky, but will give you a "hint" that gives it away.

You can imagine my surprise when she came out of handbook time with a sparkly thing on her vest.

She did an extra section just to get her first jewel.  Her smile was as big as I've ever seen it as she pulled a surprise on me.  So proud of her.

The One Where I Shamelessly Brag

When Zoe was first born and so small, I couldn't imagine her being big enough to fill a newborn sized diaper.  I knew we had some challenges in store for us.  For her first two years of life, we had to mark her progress as her chronological age and her corrected age.  As she got closer to age two, those two got closer to being the same age.  This is normal for micro-preemies like Zoe.  What it did to me mentally is made me keep that type of comparison going throughout her life.

When we started preschool when she was 3, I was eager to see if she was similar to her peers or behind.  I've purchased workbooks that we do together at home, Meet the Sight Words videos and anything that would help her learning.  I didn't want her to be behind because of her hard start at life.  Socially she's exactly like her peers, but I didn't ever know if that was developmentally as well.  Honestly, this is my first rodeo!

You can imagine my delight when we had our first parent-teacher conference.  N was home on Monday because of Columbus Day, so we scheduled it for a time we both could go.  We got her first report card!  She got 8 "Outstanding" marks and 5 "Good" marks.  Apparently she's a bit advanced on certain things, like sound recognition, reading, writing numbers 1-20 and scripture memorization.

She is also the kid that will work ahead. 

Her teacher reported that she's considerate, listens well and is very polite.  One time she had to be reminded to listen and later Zoe went up to her teacher to apologize.

So proud of her.  So blessed by her!

Wipeout

One of the things that brings our family closer together is shows where someone is getting hurt. We laugh until we cry.  One of our favorite shows is:

We love it so much we've downloaded the ABC app for my phone so we can watch it every night of the week. 

When we all can't fit around the iPhone, we play some Wii, hoping to pass the time.

You can imagine our surprise when we saw a Wipeout Wii game.  For 4 people!  It was like a gift from God.  

We spent the weekend looking like this in the virtual world!

Now that's what I call family bonding!