It's Amazing to Watch God in Action

As you know, N and I live apart during the week.  He spends Sunday evening - Thursday evening working at the dam.  I spend that time with Zoe here in Spokane.  For about 7 months we've been feeling like we HAVE to be together NOW!  We even use shouty capitals in our thoughts.

There is always 612 things that bring anxiety when we would talk about things:

1) What about Zoe's school?
2) What about a little thing I call a job?
3) What about our obligations at church?
4) What about the older girls?
5) What about Zoe's care?  My mom does that now, so I'd have to find daycare and what if I pick the wrong one and she gets hurt in some way? 

Then the rollercoaster of anxiety would carry me up the big hill and send me crashing into a ball of flames that made me only want to think of good things like rainbows and unicorns.

We spent much time in prayer.  At the end of summer I was told about an opening at an investment firm in the Tri-Cities.  I was overqualified, but I figured I'd apply and see where that led.

It led to them telling me that I was overqualified for the position, but they had an opening for the exact same job I do now.  The exact same job!  They only needed to create the job first.  For the last three months we've been talking and they've been creating.  N and I have been praying.  In the last three months things have happened to eliminate all my anxiety:

1) We found a Christian school in the Tri-Cities that is identical to Zoe's school here.  They have an opening.  We've applied. 

2) I've got the job that I love to do with the added bonus of a raise!

3) Our church is going through a split.  It's ugly.  It's saddening.  A large part of me grieves for my church home of the last 28 years.  It's definitely God's way of telling all of us, even my mom, that it's time to go.

4) We've been in a battle over the older girls for the last 10 months.  Without saying too much, we got word last week that all this will be resolved in the next two-three weeks. 

5) My mom found out that she can work from anywhere in Washington state.  She's moving too.  Zoe's routine will remain the same, which is what I worried most about.  She cries when she outgrows clothes, so I can only imagine what a move to another house in another city is going to do to her!

I'm awed by Him, His plan and His love.  He knew my anxieties and He's answered every one of my prayers.  While I know this move will not be easy in many ways, I also know, without question, that this is where God is leading us. 

Now comes the fun part!  It's Christmas, we're planning a two-prong move (N from the house we're renting now that isn't big enough and us from Spokane), and we're all going to be starting anew.  None of that worries me.  He will continue to open wide the doors to His plan. 

My Twi-Heart is Happy

This weekend, between Disney on Ice (posting pictures soon), cooking a memorial dinner for some friends who lost a family member much too early and church business, I had time to see Breaking Dawn Part 2.

I love the books.  I love them so much that I've read them at least 5 times.  I do think they get a little bizarre at the end, but they're sci-fi, that's what happens.

You can imagine my trepidation about this movie.  There is a child that is...less than human. 

I was blown away with how well they did it, how well they honored the book and how they ended the series.

I still refuse to watch the Twilight movie.  It was a shame to the series.  These last 4 movies make this very old Twi-hard very happy.

Smiling is Our Thing

A few weeks ago we went to get family pictures taken.  One of the local co-op groups does a fundraiser.  You get professional pictures for less than a tank of gas and all money goes to their co-op.  We met at a beautiful park and had a blast. 

N LOVED it because I didn't have rules about what everyone should wear.  I didn't care if we matched.  I just wanted everyone to wear their favorite outfit or something they were comfortable in.  N's response was as excited as if I said he was going to meet George Lucas. 

One of the things that N really, really, really wanted to do was hold the girls on his shoulders.  You have to understand, they are 13, 11 and 5.  D is almost as tall as me and E isn't too far behind.

He did it!

You can't get much bigger smiles then that!

She Wants To Be Everything

October usually includes about 612 different ideas of what to be for Halloween.  It starts out with ideas that we are all part of a theater troupe and we need to coordinate.  Zoe has planned for us to be The Avengers, gnomes, different vegetables so we could be a salad family, etc. 

Then it morphs into what she specifically wants to be.  We've had ideas to be a fairy, a princess fairy, a princess, etc.

Honestly, even though it's thee day, I'm not entirely sure what she's going to pick for tonight's harvest party at church.  Last Friday was the harvest party at school.  All the kids had to dress as a fruit, vegetable or farmer.  Originally Zoe wanted to be a granny smith apple because those are her favorite.  I had an idea in my head and about 30 minutes before I was to buy the supplies, she changed her mind to a carrot.  Which, in all honesty, was MUCH easier.  I needed some orange felt, some tan thread, green felt, green thread, a pipecleaner and a head band.  And voila!

I have absolutely no idea why this picture is sideways.  I cannot, for the life of me, get it to change.  Sorry about that.

She decided she wanted to be a baby carrot, so we took some of her fake corn, poke a stick into the bottom, filled it with rice and now she's a baby carrot.  The whole corn thing was a daddy idea.  I think for the first time, we've all had a hand in her outfit. 

We were all geared up to do the Pumpkin Pacer race on Saturday.  It's a costumed race.  She was going to be a carrot and I was going to be a rabbit.  She's not the only one with ideas for family costumes.

Thursday night I came down with a cold.  The race was out for me, but I was so excited for our carrot to do her thing.

20 minutes to show time...she changed her mind.

She wore the same M&M costume from last year.  The only difference this year, she ran the entire course and beat out a small cow!  Yeah for Zoe!

Now onto today.  She's planning to be a fairy at her ballet class this afternoon, but is still undecided about the party tonight.  She's goign to see how she feels.  Considering she has about 612 choices, it could be a long process.

What Has 8 Wheels and All Her Bones in Tact?

This weekend we spent time with three of my favorite girls.  For months they've been asking to go rollerskating.  Finally this weekend it seemed to work out that we could strap on the wheels and roll to the music (while praying we didn't fall down and break a hip or something).  I used to be a roller skating maniac.  I LOVED it.  Probably because it was the one sport that I could actually do.  After 24 years out of the game, I was a little concerned about going.  Here's my entourage:

D - she's only 13 people.  I'm not sure, I'm positive she looks about 21 in this picture.

She's a dynamo on skates.  She can squirt sour candy into her mouth, do the chicken dance and skate without missing a beat. 

E - she tends to be tired after about 3 laps.  Until she squirts about 1/3 of a bottle of sour candy spray into her mouth.  Then she's ready for 3 more laps. 

She is the video game queen.  I'm not entirely sure how long she was at the games, but she was clearly in her element.

Zoe - she was ready to strap on the wheels and see if she liked this roller skating business.  Then she found out they had a bar.

For the next 90 minutes she wouldn't come off the rink.  She LOVED it.  By the last 15 minutes, she was racing me.  She won.

N complained about his knees and how we would need someone to sit with all our stuff...blah, blah, blah.  Personally I think he was texting our friends and making bets about how many laps before I fell down. 

It was a great day with our girls, learning the joys of sour candy spray and realizing that after 24 years, roller skating is like riding a bike.

Something Sparkly

On Saturday we had family pictures taken and then we dropped off my wedding ring at the jewelry store to be checked and re-dipped in rhodium to make it silver rather than gold.  For the next 5 days I'll be without my wedding ring, trying to find one that fits that finger because I don't like going without a ring there.

Then we went to the mall because we owed E some new shoes.  N told me he had some birthday money to spend and would meet us at the department store we parked at.

We beat him there, he called to tell me he wasn't quite done and that it would be about 15 minutes.  The girls and I went to the play area so Zoe could play and the girls could put on their new purchases.

I see N coming toward us with a smile on his face.  That kind of smile usually means he's up to no good or he has a surprise. 

He placed a black velvet ring box in my lap.  Inside was this:

That husband of mine spent his birthday money on something sparkly for me.  This ring includes my birthstone (the light pink sapphire), his birthstone (the opal) and Zoe's birthstone (the raspberry garnet).  He'd like to add D's & E's to it at some point in the future.

I cannot even tell you how surprised I was that he did that. 

I can't stop staring at it.  Once I get my wedding ring back, I'll take this in to get sized so I can stop wearing a band-aid underneath it, like Elvis. 

Approval

Why do we seek approval from other people?  What drives us to care what they think?  For most of my life I've been driven to do things simply because it's what everyone else did.

I recently went shopping for clothes.  If you know me, in the last 5 years, I have begun a hate-relationship with shopping.  In my younger years, I'd go shopping just because.  Now, it's maybe an every two year ordeal.  N was asking me what I liked.  In all honesty, I didn't know.  Mainly because I don't care so much about looking a certain way or being accepted anymore. 

Approval is tricky business. 

For most of my life my birth father was not around.  When I was 10 I reached out to him.  I wanted to know him and to have a dad.  For the next 5 years I'd get one phone call or one letter a year from him.  For that brief moment, I felt like I was accepted and loved by him.  I would dream about having a relationship with him, meeting my half-brother and doing things that dads and daughters do together.

When I was 15 I got a phone call that shattered that dream.  He acknowledged that my birth wasn't important to him.  He acknowledged that all the correspondence was because his mother prompted him to do it, not because he cared to know me.  In an instant everything shattered.  If the one man on this earth who was supposed to love me and he didn't, how would anyone else love me?  Especially a man. 

For the next decade I struggled with this.  Struggled to see myself as loveable.  Struggled to love myself.  It was that defining moment in my life where my past is categorized as before that phone call and after that phone call.

If I'm honest, this wound has never fully healed.  There are days where I'm still 15, on the phone with him and feel those same emotions.  I suspect this is something I will feel the rest of my life to some degree.

What it does for me now is something my 15-year old self would've never known that heartbreak would do.  It has shaped me as a parent.  I know the power I have as a parent, whether biological or step.  I know the impact that the love and acceptance of a parent can do to a child.  I learned that being a parent isn't about the grand gestures.  It's about the evening, in pajamas, playing school for the 1,500th time that day.  It's about searching for 20 minutes before bed for that certain stuffed animal that will make the sleep better.  It's the time when we paint our nails together.  It's the phone call or text just to see how they are.  It's the random "I love you."  It's the million little things that will fade with time, but that have an impact that will endure. 

The world teaches us that there is a certain way to be, to dress, to act.  It's hard enough to fit into that mold because it's ever-changing.  My heart's desire is for our girls to know that they are loved, desired and accepted just as they are. 

My approval of them is unconditional.