Humble Pie

I, like everyone else, have many roles.  There are two roles that, if I’m honest, I struggle to understand:  2^nd wife and step-mom. 

I knew going into my marriage I would be in these roles.   What I failed at is understanding these roles.  I was in love with N and those roles were part and parcel with him.  I love his children, so the role of stepmom was viewed as a privilege (and it still is).

What I am learning is there are multiple layers to these roles.  At this point in my life, I’m struggling.  You see, there are consequences of divorce and there are consequences of a divorce with children.  We are dealing with those consequences right now.  They are beyond anything I can fathom.  For months I’ve been crying out to God, angry that I am dealing with these consequences when they aren’t mine to deal with. 

I was a girl who had 1 boyfriend my entire life.  I was 16 and it lasted only 24 hours because I was a bit awkward around boys and having one who liked me back was terrifying.  I can specifically recall the phone call where I broke up with him, after a sleepless night from fear.  For the next 10 years, I had some dates, I kissed a couple guys, but I was never in a relationship.  I never had another boyfriend.  Until, at 26, I saw the boy who was my boyfriend of 24 hours in high school, tricked him into a date and we’ve been together ever since.  N has been and is the only man in my life.  I haven’t had any other partners.  I waited for N. 

I’ve realized that I resent him for NOT making the same choices I did.  That’s not something he’s responsible for.  I’m responsible for my resentment.  For months I’ve been praying that God would show me how to cope, heal my heart and take away these feelings because they are my issues. 

I’ve spent countless nights in prayer and tears because this is not something I’m even remotely prepared to deal with.  I haven’t been the best at dealing with this.  I’ve taken it out on innocent people in my life and that’s wrong.  I’ve allowed these emotions to create sin in my life.  Yet, I’m completely clueless with how to cope. 

Then God used two people to speak His truth in my life.  I realized that my focus was on my own righteousness and that was a complete and utter distraction from God.  He has put me in these roles simply because I don’t carry with me the baggage from similar choices.  Because of that, I have the privilege of being His love, His compassion, His light in this.  I lost sight of what the other people in this are going through, what they’re dealing with and how I can show Christ through this.  After all, that’s what a Christian is - we are to be Christ-like. 

Christ became my sacrifice for my sin and yet, He knew NO sin.  He took my consequences upon Himself, lovingly and willingly. 

Here I am sitting in my little pool of resentment, overcome with Why Me Syndrome and crying because it’s not fair. 

Now I’m eating a big piece of humble pie.

How can I demonstrate the love of Christ, if I’m unwilling to be like Him?  How will my husband or my daughters know my unconditional love for them if I’m unwilling to let go of my hurt?

In the grand scheme of my life, the consequences we’re dealing with today are minor.  The consequences of my resentment will be life-long and they will turn my family away from Christ.

Our girls do not need any more distractions from Christ.  The world has that covered.

While this moment in our life is full of challenges, it is up to me how I deal with them. 

God has given me the roles of 2^nd wife and stepmom for His purpose and for His glory.  It’s high time that I dedicate these roles to Him and not my understanding.  As parents, we are in a battle with the world for our children.  I refuse to allow my actions or my feelings distract them from Christ.  I desire to be used by Him in the lives of our daughters.  I can only do that if he cures me from the Why Me Syndrome and turns my focus to Him alone. 

Romans 8:18 – For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.

His Purpose

Recently I’ve been under some pressure.  There are many things going on that we have been dealing with.  At each step throughout, I have felt as though God has been stretching me.  He’s been saying, 

Put your trust in me.  I am in control.

On more than one occasion, I’ve had to blindly trust.  In the past, it was tangible things that I had to trust Him with:  a house, a job, school for Zoe.  

This year isn’t so tangible.  It is actions, provisions and various other things that deal with my heart.

Time and again I have to come to Him, scared, unsure and completely broken.  His answers, while there, aren’t as concrete as they have been previously.  For a Type-A, this has been a challenge.  

Then I come across a verse…

Proverbs 16:3 and 4a – “commit your activities to Lord and your plans will be achieved.  The Lord has prepared everything for His purpose.”

That last bit has been my hurdle.  For His purpose.

The challenge for me is learning His purpose.  There are weeks where I’m on my knees, crying out, wondering if I’m even going in the right direction because I cannot even begin to fathom God’s plan.

Then there are moments like today, where I get a small glimpse of His purpose and I realize that His timing is flawless.  I realize why, even a week ago, I didn’t see what I see today.  

It is the small glimpse I need to progress forward and know that I’m on His path.  While I am still learning to blindly trust, He knows what I will need even before I do.  

It will still be a challenge.

It will still be hard.

I will still cry.

He will remain ever faithful…for His purpose.

The Trouble With Afternoons

This week began a new phase:  all day school. 

Because we live in a place that is very close to the sun, our schools start earlier.  So Zoe started school this week. 

We officially have a 1^st grader!

Some anxieties about 1^st grade:

* it’s all day long

* will I know any kids

* will I have more homework

* what exactly do we do after lunch

* how can there be that much to learn to need to go all afternoon

* how soon after lunch will grandma pick me up

* why do I need three folders, what is going in them

* is there math, like lots of math

Some things we were totally excited about 1^st grade:

* 3 recesses

* lunch at school

As you can imagine, recess and lunch wasn’t really enough to tame the fears of the unknown.  We had a meet the teacher day, where Zoe got to find her desk, put all her supplies away and meet her teacher.  That helped some of the anxiety, but the all-day concept was still troubling. 

On day one, she had more excitement than nerves.

Until…third recess.

She slid off the play equipment she was sitting on and broke the fall with her nose.  Ever since the dreaded Stairs of Doom incident of 2012, Zoe has been prone to nose bleeds.  She is also notorious for breaking falls with her nose.  It’s is nothing short of a miracle that she has not yet broken her nose. 

On her first full day, we had a nose bleed, fat lip and marks to her face, her parents were called to school, she met the school nurse and her first day outfit had blood on it.

On her second full day, we had hugs, friends showing concern and many people who prayed for her recovery.  I’m happy to report, we only have a little bruise on her lip that you can’t see unless she opens her mouth.  She assured me that she would NOT be doing that at all today.

Some things we’re totally excited about 1^st grade:  lunch, recess and all her best friends in the whole wide world who make her day extra special.

We still aren’t too excited about being there all afternoon, but maybe after 3^rd recess, where she will “not be playing on those bars anymore” we will have a change of heart.

Gonna Be Startin' Somethin'

The one of you who reads this blog is probably completely and utterly shocked that I am actually posting.  To be honest, I thought I was done blogging.  Then something happened.  Something so big, so earth shattering that my desire to write things down came back with a huge force.  Do you wanna know what that big thing is? 

God 

I know that may sound cliché or even a little ridiculous, but there is no other way to say it.  In the last year God has been bringing me to a place where I’m broken and completely without a thought as to what to do. 

With the move from Spokane in the winter, I was brought into a situation where I completely had to rely on Him for answers to my 612 questions and anxieties about moving to the unknown.  It was through that experience I learned that God is in control of every detail, even before I realize it’s a detail.  His answers to those details far outperform my expectations. 

Then the new routine happened.  While I was prepared to trust Him for the answers to the unknown, I was unprepared to trust Him with life in the unknown.  If you can talk about things that stress a marriage, things like moving, finances, and new jobs top the list.  We had all of those in one month.  The stress of all that brought health issues, which brought our marriage into the eye of the storm.  For the first time since Zoe was born, N and I were in the storm together, trying to determine what the plan was.  You know what we did? 

We tried to control

We worshipped idols that put things in our lives ahead of God

We became critical, negative and irritable

We lashed out and blamed each other

We wallowed in self-pity

We began our cycle:  trust God, go in His path, get stressed, put God in a small corner of your life, wreck havoc….

Here’s the best part of this cycle.  Instead of continuing to try to do this on our own, we became part of a community that isn’t afraid to hold you accountable, isn’t afraid to show you your faults and isn’t afraid to guide you back to God.

For the first time in our marriage, N and I broke.  We both lay there completely and utterly broken.  We were shattered without any kind of idea what this meant.  We both had to acknowledge the things we were doing that were sin in our lives.  We had to get real and intimate and because we were broken, we didn’t have the energy to continue to hide. 

For me, I struggle with feeling unlovable.  I sometimes feel that if I don’t do something absolutely perfect, people will see the real me and they’ll find me lacking. 

I also struggle with being submissive.  I’m not good at it.  It contradicts me being able to prove that I’m lovable. 

Do you know what God tells me to do?  Submit to Him.  Submit to N. 

Do you know what else He tells me?  His love is sufficient.

I’ve been a Christian since I was 8.  I’ve been in church, Sunday School, Bible studies, theology classes at my Christian college and I own 3 Bibles, I’ve read the Bible cover to cover.  Yet Satan had such a hold on my thoughts that I felt unworthy, unlovable and was driven to control so that I could prove people wrong. 

I was allowing sin to have a stronghold in my life and I was totally unaware I was doing it.  I had a fear that if I didn’t continue doing it, life would crumble, people would leave me and I would be alone.

That is how incredibly talented Satan is.  How incredibly manipulative he is.  We can sin and not even be aware we’re doing it.  The world tells us the same thing.  Because of our insecurities or struggles, we believe the lie. 

For the first time in my life, those feelings of needing to control, of needing to prove my worth are dying.  Our marriage is on a level that it has never been.  We have an intimacy that I’ve longed for.  We had to break in order for God to come in. 

This is the beginning of my personal revival. 

This is God.

Christmas Program

Last night was Zoe's school Christmas program.  She has been talking for weeks about being a dove in the program and she couldn't wear glitter or heels.  We received a letter that the boys would be wearing red ties and the girls needed a fancy dress.  Zoe was beyond excited to get some more miles out of her favorite blue, twirly dress. 

The program was held at a local church.  Two of Zoe's classmates are members of the church and their dads are pastors there.  She was beyond excited to go to Addy's and Caleb's church for her Christmas concert! 

When we got there, we found her awesome teacher Mrs. Wood and some of her classmates.

What's funny is a little girl in the back totally photobombed me! 

Aren't they so cute all dressed up and ready to perform?  Knowing this was her second to last day with these wonderful people made me a little teary all night.  These are, quite simply, some of the best people I've ever had the privilege of knowing.  These children love each other like family.  Their parents genuinely care about each of our families and we all get along!  Mrs. Wood...there is not enough words to describe how incredible she is.  God has truly blessed her with a gift for teaching.  I am so blessed that she was Zoe's teacher.

The kids sang a song called "The Friendly Beasts."  It's about the animals in the stable being the first to welcome the Son of God to earth that night.  Zoe's part was the dove!



Because I have an "in" with the pastor's wife, I got second row to take these pictures of our girl.  When she spotted me, she waved and gave me this smile. 

Throughout the night I watched as families beamed with pride for their kiddos.  Absent was N.  While leaving these beautiful people is going to be hard, I'm beyond excited to share future events with him.  I know this is where God is leading us.