The Light

As I look back on 2013, I’m actually amazed at where we started and where we are today.  If I could only use words to describe the last year, they would be:

Together

New

Bumpy

Battle-worn

Growth

Faith

Conviction

Devastating

Healing

Clear

Miraculous

In 2013, we made a major life change by moving, starting a new school and job, living together 24/7, finding a new church, a health scare where they used the word cancer, finding out it wasn’t cancer, just an ulcer, working on custody changes, the divorce of parents, and making new friends.  I knew the move would bring about some difficulties, but I was woefully unprepared for the onslaught of attacks we would be under on all fronts. 

I don’t say good riddance to 2013, because truthfully, many of these things will follow us into 2014.  I don’t say that sadly.  Last year I had to deal with my antics, I was broken to pieces and it made me wholly dependent on God.  I now see a very real spiritual battle and last year prepared me for this battle.  I wouldn’t change any of that.

If I’m being honest, last year felt dark and heavy.  It was like I was under cover of night, trying desperately to find the light.  As I look into 2014, I can’t honestly tell you what this year holds.  I have no resolutions.  I really have no expectations on this year.  I’m focusing on this moment because I can no longer see ahead.   

As I was driving to work today, the clouds on the horizon had a halo-like look to them.  It was a gray-white with a ring of yellow.  As each second passed, the sun crept over the horizon until I was blinded by the light. 

For that moment, the weight of the previous year felt lifted.  It was as though God spoke to me and showed me His glory for a moment.  It was a reminder that the Light will always shine in the darkness. 

My prayer is that God continues to shine His Light in your life this coming year.  May 2014 be blinding as the Light creeps over the horizon.

The Stomach Baby

Here’s a funny story that made N and I laugh.  Last night, I wasn’t feeling too great.  My stomach was in knots from stress and I just needed to lie down for a bit.  Zoe came up, snuggled into me and leaned down to kiss my tummy to make it feel better.  That’s the exact moment my stomach decided to make a noise.  Zoe looked up at me, wide eyed and obviously thinking something very important.

Zoe:  Oh my goodness!  Maybe you’re getting pregnant right now!

Me:  I don’t think that’s what is happening.

How do you know?  Didn’t your tummy hurt when you got pregnant with me?

Not really.  Sweetie, I can’t have more babies.

Are you sure?  Like, did a doctor tell you that?

Yes, a doctor told me that.

Oh man!  I was really hoping for an older brother!  Or I guess a younger brother would be okay.

N and I laughed so hard at her innocence and what she was willing to settle for. 

Perspective

Perspective is a funny thing.  From Hitler’s perspective, he was doing exactly what he was supposed to do for a “pure race” that he believed was absolutely necessary.  The rest of the world’s perspective saw him as the highest form of evil.  Both perspectives were/are convicted they are right.  Obviously, I cannot ever share Hilter’s perspective and I’m not sure I know anyone who can.

What fascinates me is the conviction people have for their perspective.  It is usually stems from a personal experience, so that conviction makes sense.  However, we live in a world where tolerance is idolized and yet, when it comes to perspective, there is little tolerance. 

There are many times where I am narrow-sighted in my perspective.  Life is hard.  Trials and struggles can be consuming.  It can be easy to have a limited view from being marred down.  I admit that I struggle to see God when I’m in the trenches.  Make no mistake, we are in the trenches. 

I know I’ve mentioned it recently that we are in a spiritual battle.  N and I are in the trench together, on the front line, waging war against the world.  We are fighting for our children’s hearts, their morality and their mind.  I don’t use the term war as an analogy.  We are fighting on many fronts for them and it feels like battle.

If that wasn’t enough, while in the trenches with that topic, we were hit with another missile, from a different front:  Satan has also waged war on marriage.  Not our marriage, but one very close to us.  He’s using division as his assault.  Not only are we fighting for our children from the world, but we now have this new attack that has already caused division among our people.

Yesterday, if I had written this, you would’ve seen my perspective as wholly worn down, overwhelmed and defeated.  Being in a war, only to learn that you have to spread out your resources and fight with reduced energy, while wholly overwhelmed with current stressors…let’s just say I wanted to throw down my fight and give up.  I couldn’t see how God was working.

Never in my life have I been so weak, so tired and in such a desperate need of God.

All the energy I had was directed to crying out to Him with the demand of “SHOW ME A GLIMPSE OF YOU!  I NEED YOUR STRENGTH IF I’M TO CONTINUE THIS FIGHT!”

Yes, I used shouty capitals with God.  My perspective was limited to what I could see and what I could see didn’t include Him.  I needed Him to direct me, to motivate me. 

Do you want to know what God did?

He didn’t fix things.  He didn’t get rid of this war.  He didn’t bring in a replacement for me. 

He gave me a mustard seed of His perspective. 

He showed me, in a small way what He’s doing.  I know God, He can move in mighty ways.  That’s not His plan for our war.  He increased our battle.  Yet, in the ugliness of this, He took a moment to show us His light. 

That mustard seed of His light was so bright it stopped me in my tracks. 

I saw, from His perspective, that this battle is much bigger than I realized.  He’s not just going to use me and N, he’s using other people, some I know and some I don’t. 

This war we’re engaged in isn’t just about winning my children for Him, it goes far beyond that.  My perspective was limited.

Isaiah 55:8 – “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord, “and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”

His perspective is limitless.

Humble Pie

I, like everyone else, have many roles.  There are two roles that, if I’m honest, I struggle to understand:  2^nd wife and step-mom. 

I knew going into my marriage I would be in these roles.   What I failed at is understanding these roles.  I was in love with N and those roles were part and parcel with him.  I love his children, so the role of stepmom was viewed as a privilege (and it still is).

What I am learning is there are multiple layers to these roles.  At this point in my life, I’m struggling.  You see, there are consequences of divorce and there are consequences of a divorce with children.  We are dealing with those consequences right now.  They are beyond anything I can fathom.  For months I’ve been crying out to God, angry that I am dealing with these consequences when they aren’t mine to deal with. 

I was a girl who had 1 boyfriend my entire life.  I was 16 and it lasted only 24 hours because I was a bit awkward around boys and having one who liked me back was terrifying.  I can specifically recall the phone call where I broke up with him, after a sleepless night from fear.  For the next 10 years, I had some dates, I kissed a couple guys, but I was never in a relationship.  I never had another boyfriend.  Until, at 26, I saw the boy who was my boyfriend of 24 hours in high school, tricked him into a date and we’ve been together ever since.  N has been and is the only man in my life.  I haven’t had any other partners.  I waited for N. 

I’ve realized that I resent him for NOT making the same choices I did.  That’s not something he’s responsible for.  I’m responsible for my resentment.  For months I’ve been praying that God would show me how to cope, heal my heart and take away these feelings because they are my issues. 

I’ve spent countless nights in prayer and tears because this is not something I’m even remotely prepared to deal with.  I haven’t been the best at dealing with this.  I’ve taken it out on innocent people in my life and that’s wrong.  I’ve allowed these emotions to create sin in my life.  Yet, I’m completely clueless with how to cope. 

Then God used two people to speak His truth in my life.  I realized that my focus was on my own righteousness and that was a complete and utter distraction from God.  He has put me in these roles simply because I don’t carry with me the baggage from similar choices.  Because of that, I have the privilege of being His love, His compassion, His light in this.  I lost sight of what the other people in this are going through, what they’re dealing with and how I can show Christ through this.  After all, that’s what a Christian is - we are to be Christ-like. 

Christ became my sacrifice for my sin and yet, He knew NO sin.  He took my consequences upon Himself, lovingly and willingly. 

Here I am sitting in my little pool of resentment, overcome with Why Me Syndrome and crying because it’s not fair. 

Now I’m eating a big piece of humble pie.

How can I demonstrate the love of Christ, if I’m unwilling to be like Him?  How will my husband or my daughters know my unconditional love for them if I’m unwilling to let go of my hurt?

In the grand scheme of my life, the consequences we’re dealing with today are minor.  The consequences of my resentment will be life-long and they will turn my family away from Christ.

Our girls do not need any more distractions from Christ.  The world has that covered.

While this moment in our life is full of challenges, it is up to me how I deal with them. 

God has given me the roles of 2^nd wife and stepmom for His purpose and for His glory.  It’s high time that I dedicate these roles to Him and not my understanding.  As parents, we are in a battle with the world for our children.  I refuse to allow my actions or my feelings distract them from Christ.  I desire to be used by Him in the lives of our daughters.  I can only do that if he cures me from the Why Me Syndrome and turns my focus to Him alone. 

Romans 8:18 – For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.

His Purpose

Recently I’ve been under some pressure.  There are many things going on that we have been dealing with.  At each step throughout, I have felt as though God has been stretching me.  He’s been saying, 

Put your trust in me.  I am in control.

On more than one occasion, I’ve had to blindly trust.  In the past, it was tangible things that I had to trust Him with:  a house, a job, school for Zoe.  

This year isn’t so tangible.  It is actions, provisions and various other things that deal with my heart.

Time and again I have to come to Him, scared, unsure and completely broken.  His answers, while there, aren’t as concrete as they have been previously.  For a Type-A, this has been a challenge.  

Then I come across a verse…

Proverbs 16:3 and 4a – “commit your activities to Lord and your plans will be achieved.  The Lord has prepared everything for His purpose.”

That last bit has been my hurdle.  For His purpose.

The challenge for me is learning His purpose.  There are weeks where I’m on my knees, crying out, wondering if I’m even going in the right direction because I cannot even begin to fathom God’s plan.

Then there are moments like today, where I get a small glimpse of His purpose and I realize that His timing is flawless.  I realize why, even a week ago, I didn’t see what I see today.  

It is the small glimpse I need to progress forward and know that I’m on His path.  While I am still learning to blindly trust, He knows what I will need even before I do.  

It will still be a challenge.

It will still be hard.

I will still cry.

He will remain ever faithful…for His purpose.