hopes.dreams.plans

The last couple weeks have shown me just how little control I have.  By “little” I mean none.  Not one, single ounce of it. 

I’m someone who had hopes and dreams for the future.  I honestly believed that my hopes and dreams were God’s.  Over the last couple weeks, every hope.dream.plan I had for the future has been obliterated.  They are beyond CPR and the paddles.  In fact, they are dead. 

I’m going to be candid…I didn’t know why.    

I’ve said it many times, but we are in the midst of battle.  It’s dark and hard and ugly.  It is a battle to the death.  All that I had hoped.dreamed.planned was collateral damage.  I have been the target of attacks the last couple weeks.  My character has been questioned and I have had to distance myself from people I dearly love. 

Through all of this, I’m becoming aware of my habit of making plans and then believing that God is in those plans.  I wasn’t trying to do things outside of God’s will, but over time, I turned those hopes.dreams.plans into something that was mine and not God’s. 

God took them away from me.

As I have watched all my hopes.dreams.plans die, I’ve seen God in ways I didn’t expect. 

a stronger marriage

a deeper peace and never-ending comfort

a time for rest in the battle

a deeper understanding of the sin in my life

a hope for His dreams and plans for my life

At every turn I’m being told to let go and be held by God’s hand.  It’s in the songs I hear, the verses I read and the conversations I have.  I used to claim to be a Type-A person who liked plans and organization.  Truthfully, I still do.  However, for the first time in my life, I’m letting go.  I cannot see my future, I cannot formulate plans, and I’m completely at God’s mercy.

I’m thoroughly excited to see where God is taking us. 

I’m letting Him dream for me.

Bare

Over the last several weeks I’ve been experiencing destruction.  Every thought, hope, dream, and desire has been stripped away.  I’ve been laid bare.  As I’ve tried to sort through all the emotions, I keep coming back to one:  grief.

What I have found interesting is that the meaning of grief not only applies to loss, such as death, but also a heavy burden.  The Greek word in the Bible is lupeo.  This means to affect with sadness or to throw into sorrow.  That’s where I’ve been.  The joy of life and the hope of the future vanished and instead, I’ve been thrown into sorrow. 

It’s been a season of many tears, even more unknowns and time on my knees asking God to show me His plan and purpose in this. 

Then I read from my devotion:

Pulling down strongholds is the demolition and removal of these old ways of thinking so that the actual Presence of Jesus Christ can be manifested through us.¹

All of my hopes and dreams have been good, but they are mine.  They are what I desired, not what He desires for us.  They have been a stronghold in my life of keeping me from fully relying on Christ for our future. 

Then I read this:

…repentance precedes deliverance, and deliverance often leads to healing in other areas.¹ 

As I was sitting in church yesterday and our pastor said that we are to confess our sins and then worship, the first naturally progresses to the second. 

Sometimes it’s as though God is speaking directly to me.  He is very clearly demolishing strongholds and leading me to repentance.

Despite all of this, one thing has remained:  peace. 

I’m sitting here today broken, bare and without a thought.  Yet, for the first time in months, I have hope for the future.  Not because I have any expectations, rather a peace that the future is His and a hope that He will deliver me.

¹ “The Three Battlegrounds” by Francis Frangipane

Do not challenge her...

Each night at dinner, Zoe prays.  It started out years ago when she would only do it every so often.  Now she asks to do it.  Even if we do some kind of random game and the last person has to pray, she will rig the game so she's the last one.  I love that she loves to pray.  It warms this momma's heart.

Sunday at dinner, N tried teasing her and said he was the last one to do the game, so it was his turn to pray.  Zoe gave him the stink eye, which involves making her eyes bigger and staring at you.  So N stared back.  As they were doing the stare-down, Zoe says, "Dear God, thank you..."

She started her prayer.  It wasn't until N looked down, that Zoe did too.

This girl is fierce about praying for our meals.  She has an equally fierce wit because this will go down in the memory banks for years to come.  We could barely contain our laughter.

Mythbusters

God has laid something on my heart and I feel compelled to write it down.  Not because someone else needs to see it, but because I’m positive there is going to come a time where I will need the reminder.  As a Christian it is easy to be deceived about what is truth and what isn’t.  Typically in every lie there is a morsel of truth.

I recently read an article from a woman who had lost her child.  She said, “I’ve heard it said that God will not give us more than we can handle, but this is more that I can handle.”  She went on about not being sure she believes in God.

The truth is, no where in the Bible does it say that God will not give us more than we can handle.  We may have temptations that won’t be more than we can handle, but He promises to always give us a way out (1 Corinthians 10:3).  However, there is no promise that says God will not give us circumstances beyond what we can handle. 

I know people who are dealing with all kinds of tragedies – infertility, loss of a child or loved one, addiction, adultery, health issues, bankruptcy, legal issues, divorce, etc.  I could fill this whole blog with a list of things people are dealing with.  These are good people in the midst of terrible circumstances.  Each of these things is part and parcel with life on earth.  Life is hard.  Life isn’t fair.  The reality is, who can handle those circumstances?  The problem with this lie is that it says, “if you can’t handle this, there is something wrong with you.  You have done something to bring this on yourself because God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle.” 

I have been angry with God and upset with my circumstances.  They are, without reservation, more than I can handle.  I’ve had issues with resentment toward God over things in my life that are hard and unfair.  God didn’t stop those things.  In fact, if I’m honest, I am still dealing with them this morning and I don’t understand why it has to be so hard or why I have to deal with it.  I have my moments where I yell at God, tell Him how angry I am and stomp my foot and beat on His chest about the unfairness. 

Whether we like to admit it or not, God doesn’t want the façade we put on for everyone else.  He wants me, in all my anger and resentment to come to Him and tell Him how I feel.  He wants me to scream and carry on and tell Him how upset and hurt I am.  It’s like with any relationship, the more barriers I put up to the real me, the more superficial that relationship becomes.  God doesn’t do superficial.  He does tears and snot running down your face and yelling and screaming and carrying on.  He does real.  He does intimate. 

God doesn’t promise to fix an unfair circumstance and He doesn’t promise to not give us more than we can handle.  He promises to be our refuge and strength:

Psalm 46:1 – God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

For those who come to Him, He promises rest:

Matthew 11:28 – Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

I Peter 5:7 – Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

This life will be struggles, hardships and all things unfair.  I do not have answers as to why.  I know that nothing can separate me from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39), so it isn’t punishment for some past action.  It is life and sometimes there are no answers as to the why. 

I only have answers to the how.  How we get through this is by going to God, giving Him all of our emotions, fears and being real with Him.  He wants our hurts, our worries, our struggles because He cares for us.  If we do that, He promises to be our strength and our refuge.  He promises to give us rest. 

He doesn’t promise to take away our hardships, only to give us the strength to get through them.  He will certainly give me circumstances that are more than I can handle on my own.  He isn’t the God who will dole out circumstances and see how we do.  His promise is to be my strength, my refuge and to give me rest.  He is my ever-present help.

God is Speaking to Her

Zoe is anti-toothpaste.  I do not mean she uses it and just doesn't like it.  She smells it and starts to gag.  Zoe is a bit of a puker, so when the gagging starts, I immediately change direction.  No one likes to encourage that kind of thing!

Her adult molars are in and we have a loose tooth.  More adult teeth are making their appearance and I'm nervous about not using toothpaste to protect them.  While at the store last week, I bribed her with a new toothbrush if she would pick out toothpaste she might want to try.

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, she choose the toothpaste with sparkles under the condition that we pray about her fears first before I ever suggest she use it.

Actually picking out toothpaste is a huge leap, so I took the deal.  It's all about small victories in our house. 

Fast forward to last night. 

Zoe:  Mom, God has put it on my heart to use toothpaste.

Me:  Like, He's putting it on your heart right now and you're going to try it tonight?  *insert my silent prayer of thanks and pleading*

NO!  Nothing like that.  *insert eye roll like I've told her the most ridiculous thing ever*  He's telling me I should use it, but He hasn't given me a timeline of when yet.

I guess the negotiating phase isn't anywhere near finished!

Let's have a staring contest!

Recently I have been searching for an answer to a specific prayer request.  I’ve have an area of my life that I feel God is telling me that I'm not where He wants me.  I have been earnestly praying for an answer. 

Then a door opened!

It was a dream door.  It was something I knew, just knew was God showing me His plan.  I practically ran to that door.  It was a full-on sprint, which is amazing since I’m not really a sprinter.  I’m more “spring-training with Oprah” kind of speed walker…if I have to.

I have prayed earnestly that God would keep this door open while I was speed walkin’ toward it and it would be the answer I’ve been seeking.  I got that peaceful feeling that this was where He was leading me. 

As I reached this door, one final piece of information took the peace away.  I prayed earnestly for God to tell me that it was my human concerns causing this discontent rather than Him. 

The door kept shutting.  As I continued to pray for God to clearly, like so clear there’s no doubt, no questioning, show me this was His plan, He continued to shut that door.

It wasn’t His plan.

Can I be candid?  I cried.  It was the ugly cry.  The one where I make unnatural sounds, can’t breathe, can’t talk, all kinds of hot liquid pour out of my face and I have red eyes for hours. 

This was my plan.  This was my expectation. 

God, very clearly said, “this is not MY plan for you right now.” 

After I caught my breath and went through a box of Kleenex almost as quickly as I can go through a box of Chip’s Ahoy, an incredible peace came over me.  While I’m still sad, I know this is right. 

It doesn’t mean I understand.

It doesn’t mean I’m done grieving.

It doesn’t mean that I have any clue what His plan is.

It just means that I know God and this plan of His is ALWAYS better than mine; even if I don’t understand, even if I am sad and even if I’m completely clueless.  I have Peace that only He can bring. 

This morning God very clearly spoke to me.  By clearly, I mean it was like He has a megaphone that mirrors the decibel level of the 12^th man cheering. 

Do you want to know what He said?  The first three sentences of my devotion went something like this:

“Fix your eyes on Me.  These problems are Satan’s way of distracting you.  Eyes up child, eyes up!”

Hebrews 12:2 “fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

“Fixing our eyes on” something isn’t a phrase we use in our vocabulary.  It’s actually only one word in Greek:  aphorao.  It means to stare at something intently.  I am to intentionally stare at Jesus because He is not only the creator of, but the sustainer (or perfecter) of my faith.    

Does it change the discontent in this area of my life?  Nope, not in the least.  Instead of staring at the struggle, I’m told to stare at Jesus. 

I’m not always successful, but I can tell you, without question, the peace I feel when I do stare intently at Jesus, overwhelms me.  I don’t know about you, but I could always use more peace during my day.