God, the silent teacher?

I enjoy social media.  I find it fun to check in on friends, see prayer requests, share pictures and connect.  I always find it fun to see what people post.  I think it gives a really interesting glimpse into their personality.  What I’ve come to notice thought is that there is so much on the world wide webs that isn’t truth about God.  Today I was going through some social media and saw a picture that said:

“When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is,

remember that the teacher is always silent during a test.”

I’ve seen this picture probably 100 different times.  It’s never really stood out…until today.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it and couldn’t figure out why it stood out.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized it stood out because I don’t agree with it.  It’s false. 

These past few years have been one difficulty after another.  In the last 18 months, I’ve learned a lesson on dependence that I needed.  It has shaped my walk with God so drastically that I am blown away by where He has brought me.  I am grateful for His unfailing love and guidance.  However, my experience has been the exact opposite of that saying.  My Teacher has never been silent during difficulty.  In fact, it’s been the exact opposite and He promises that in the Bible:

Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Psalm 9:9 “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.”

Psalm 62:7-8 “My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.  My refuge is in God.  Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him.  God is our refuge.”

It doesn’t say that He is a silent teacher, it says He is a refuge, a shelter and protection.  When my daughter gets hurt or goes through difficulty, she comes to me as her refuge.  I am not quiet when she’s hurting, I’m consoling.  I’m an active participant in our interaction, guiding, teaching, consoling.  I’m not behind a desk, being quiet.  I don’t believe God is either.  When we come to Him, He is a help and a shelter to us.  That is the truth of the Bible.

So why does this saying ring true?  Because sometimes God is silent.

I’ve experienced His silence during great difficulty and it sucks.  It is one of the most isolating feelings.  I spent many hours doing the ugly cry where I can’t breathe; snot is running down my face and tears blind my eyes.  I’ve cried out asking where He is and why He’s not here.  I’ve shed tears, begging for Him to draw near to me. 

You know how He responds?  I’m not the one who is far away and I am not silent.  You are.

Each and every time God is silent it has been because of unconfessed sin in my life.  There was a period about a year ago where I was in deep difficulty and God was absolutely silent.  I would try to draw near.  Nothing.  I would beg and plead.  Nothing.  I would weep and pour out my heart.  Nothing.  I would question if He loves me.  Nothing.

I turned to the Bible and you know where He led me?  Matthew 6:24a, “No one can serve two masters.  Either you will hate one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other.” 

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Very gently, very sweetly God showed me sin in my life.  I was serving my own pity and then seeking God.  I was loving the self-pity, the pour me syndrome.  I was serving that master and this sin had such a stronghold over me that I didn’t even realize how vast it was.  It looked like normal, human emotions that I felt I was pouring out to God.  Yet I was harboring these feelings as a justification for my action.  I was entitled to feel this way because of the great difficulty and injustice I was facing.  Hello sin!  As I repented of my sin of pity, He lovingly brought me into His presence and He spoke very clearly to me about what I was to do and who I was to be in this difficulty. 

In my experience, I’ve found that the Teacher is only silent when I am carrying sin around with me, when I’ve got some stronghold in my life that I am not dealing with.  The word humility/humble is mentioned over 50 times in the Bible.  To humble myself before God means to lower myself in importance, rank, status.  It’s not my human nature to do this.  Yet, the more I do this, the more I hear God so clearly it’s like He is next to me.

We are currently going through some great difficulty.  My human nature wants to deal with it and take action.  I’m ready to face this head on.   I am battle ready.  I’m armored up and ready to fight injustice.  I’m bouncing around the field, sword in hand, ready to attack. 

As I confess and seek God, you know what He’s telling me?  Rest, seek me, be still. 

Is that what I want to do?  Nope.  Not even close.  I am so ready to attack.  Yet I know God is sovereign.  I know His plan is always best.  I know, even though this seems to prolong the difficulty, my Teacher isn’t being silent.  He’s just not having me take action toward the difficulty.  He’s having me take action toward Him. 

That isn’t a teacher during a test, it’s a Father actively leading His child through life.  So when I’m going through something hard and wonder where God is, I confess, seek His face and He draws near. 

Strength Finding

I’d like to talk for a moment about personality or strength tests.  I had to take one when I was hired for my current job and the results were shocking.  I scored super high in one category – fact finding.  I didn’t think it was too odd…until I saw everyone else’s score.  Not only was mine high in that category, it was higher than anyone else in any category.  I came into this job with a test result that actually made the management nervous about me because of this score.  

We would be in planning meetings and they would say things like, “now don’t get caught up in the why because you’re such a fact finder.”  The reality is I like to learn and know, but it doesn’t hinder me from prioritizing or doing my job.  This test labeled me.

You can imagine my excitement when we have yet another strength finding test to do.  I had little hope in this new one after the disaster that is the Fact Finding Fiasco.  What little hope I did have quickly evaporated when the questions were:

Would you rather do homework or watch football?

Would you rather eat ice cream or drink hot cocoa?

Would you prefer to spend all your time reading or all your time playing football?

Out of 100 or so questions, I’m positive about ½ of them were about football.  Considering my choices were reading all the time or playing football all the time and I really want to say quilting, I was not excited about the future label I would receive.  I was positive it would somehow include lazy or uncoordinated!

To my complete surprise, the results were spot on:

1 – Belief – to have certain core values the cause me to be family-oriented, altruistic, spiritual and have high ethics

2 – Developer – to see the potential in others

3 – Connectedness – things happen for a reason; there is a bigger picture, even if you can’t see it

4 – Learner – getting a thrill from the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence (such a nicer way to say fact finder!)

5 – Input – being inquisitive and finding many things interesting

When I read about these strengths, I’m blown away by how much my faith comes through.  There are 35 options that I could’ve received, yet I can see very clearly that all of them are a direct result of my Christian walk.

It is no secret that the last year has been full of ways God was teaching me dependence.  I hope someday I can share, in detail, what each of these hardships were.  However, it’s been through intense hardships that I’ve learned this very basic foundation of Christianity – to have complete reliance or trust on Him. 

As I look at this list, I see confirmation that my weaknesses, while still a struggle, have also become my strengths.  I have absolutely no question in God’s plan and will for my life, even if I have no clue why I am where I am (belief and connectedness).  I praise the Lord that I can say I thirst for Him and seek His answers to my questions and choices (learner and input).  I see the result in my interactions with people, hoping to guide them to Him (developer). 

Now I feel as though I’ve been prepared for something.  I have no idea what that is, but I came out of those challenges ready for whatever He has in store for me and apparently strengthened.

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

A Future Hope

This past month has been somewhat of a whirlwind, which is shocking to me since the rest of 2014 seemed to drag on.  Yet as I look back on the year, I see exactly what I learned:

Dependence

God continually showed me just how little control I have.  By little, I really mean none.  When I would think that I knew God’s plan, He said, “nope, that’s not it.”  For most of 2014 I felt behind, felt that I lacked energy to do anything beyond breathe in and go through the motions.  I had big plans:

*Harvesting a garden – I only planted it, picked a few veggies and let weeds take over

*Planting flowers – I think I weeded twice and NEVER picked any for my table

*Stain our new fence – it’s a lovely shade of natural woods meets nature

*Organize my craft supplies – it’s all jammed in drawers, straining to be free.  Don’t open my craft closet!

*Dates with my daughter – Does grocery shopping count?

At each month there was some issue, life challenge, question that we could not answer on our own.  I felt overwhelmed, beaten down, worn and exhausted for most of the year.  I grieved the loss of relationships and dreams.  I can’t tell you how many times I cried at the mere thought of having to put laundry into the washing machine. 

Yet I was reminded each and every day that Jesus is “my ever-present help in time of trouble.”  None of the issues went away.  None of my days were so much easier.  Yet, I came through the year with a peace of knowing this is a season and God will use this for His plan…not mine.

As I enter 2015, it is with the intent to be intentional - to live with deliberate purpose.  I feel as though 2014 taught me dependence on Christ and a real lesson on the huge stronghold in my life that is pity.  I can very easily fall into a pity party.

This coming year my prayer is to be intentional with my walk with Christ, with relationships and with my time.  I have no idea what this year holds, but I do know that Jesus is at the helm.  He is guiding each of my steps away from 2014 and into His plan, His purpose.  For the first time, after a long year, with Hope.

When God Shows Up

These past 2 years have been a turning point in my faith.  I am at a place in my walk with God I never knew existed.  There are times where His presence is felt so strongly, I'm positive I'll blink and He'll be standing before me.  There are times where I don't feel that, so deeply desire it and realize it's my sin that keeping that from occurring.

I guess I've never been more aware of my sin, His grace, His mercy and His love like I am right now.

The results of this are too numerous to count.  What I love most about this place of faith is how aware I am of Him.  I fell like He speaks to me in the most odd ways.

This week I'm on the road working.  I'm meeting with retirement plan participants to discuss how credit card debt works and how to get out of it.  I tell them that they have been programmed to believe they need credit card debt to "build their credit" or "in case of emergencies."  Retail stores, banks, commercials, others all tell us this.  Yet they are lies for these businesses to make money.

This morning I have been asking God to show me His purpose in my life.  There are circumstances in this world that absolutely make my skin crawl.  I get frustrated and stressed because these things just aren't right.

Then He takes my words and uses them:

*this world is broken and it will never be fair

*you believe the lie, the myth that it should be fair

*your attitude isn't shining my Light, my Love on those around you, you are just adding to the lie

*this world needs Me, not fairness, but My grace, My mercy, My love

Sometimes the ways He humbles me is...well humbling!

Rebuilt on the Cornerstone

This past year has been a huge lesson for me on faith.  Everything I thought I knew has been torn down, rebuilt, torn down, rebuilt, etc.  You get the idea.  I have been made aware of strongholds in my life and God has used a scalpel to extract that sin. 

I have hurt.

I have bled.

I have been completely broken.

Yet, the beauty that has come from this is awesome. 

I am so thankful to God that He loves me so much that He continues to work in me. 

Through this He has also shown me the effects of sin.  I don’t say this to claim that I am without sin.  He uses others in my life to shine a mirror on my sin.  What I see in other people, I try to evaluate in myself.  It is a humbling exercise.

In this past month I had a front-row seat to the devastating effects of hate and selfishness.  I have seen the hardening of hearts and witnessed the aftermath.  It is nothing short of absolute devastation.  It’s not just the personal devastation; it’s the complete annihilation of relationships for generations. 

A year ago my father-in-law lied.  He created an illusion, preyed on our emotions, so he could secretly divorce my mother-in-law.  I tracked him down, through his lies, because I knew the name of his mistress.

For the last year I’ve watched the devastating effect of his choices on those around him.  There is a loss of trust, relational division, anger, bitterness, resentfulness, and lies.  Each word that has been uttered has seemed like another layer of lies.

It is at times like this that I see unfairness.  He got married this weekend to his mistress.  There are pictures of smiling faces, of celebration, of joy. 

The photos you don’t see are piles of tissues soaked in our tears, scars that mark our hearts, and the tiny fissures that pierce our trust of others. 

I feel like we have been laid bare in the desert.  We are hurt, we are bleeding, and we are completely broken.  We are exposed. 

Yet…

there is healing from hurts that go even beyond this incident.

relationships are growing stronger, deeper, more meaningful.

hope is starting to flicker.

We are being rebuilt on the Cornerstone.  With that foundation, there is a future, there is Hope and there is Peace. 

I Peter 2:6 – “For in Scripture it says; ‘See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious Cornerstone, and the one who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.’”