In The Vortex

Do you ever have those times where you’re sure this moment in time is what is going to lead your child straight into therapy when they’re adults?

This week month is full of mom failure. 

Those therapists can thank me later.

We have approximately 6,452,714 things to do with end of year activities.  Around item #3, I start to go glassy-eyed and go to my happy place.  I actually woke up at 3:00 am vaguely remembering an e-mail about dance recital tickets and buying them before they sell out.  I had a mild panic attack that I forgot the date and Zoe would be performing for her imaginary family. 

This is the kind of stress that end-of-year brings.  It’s been testing weeks at school, so I have mild panic attacks during the day that consist of:

Did we have homework last night?  Did I pack her lunch?  Did I pack a snack?  Did she even have shoes on today?  She wanted to wear her dangly earrings and I got busy packing her lunch.  Praise God she got food, but I did forget the earrings.  Then the rest of the day is being concerned that I forgot her earrings and this will make her day the worst day in the history of ever.  Oh the drama!  When that happens, the Holy Spirit has to work on overdrive so there is patience and understanding that only divine intervention can bring and both Zoe and I live to see the next morning.

While I’m trying to process all these “did I” questions, I’m making lists to schedule the hair appointment, the dog grooming appointment (we discovered he’s molting, like losing chunks of winter coat and hello disgusting), buy tickets for the children’s theater play, make the grocery list, make the Costco list, try to remember what days we signed up for snacks, and all the appointments and lists keep coming into my brain.

At this very moment, I’d like to honor parents who have more than one, little person they care for.  We have women in our church with 6 or 7 children, plus they homeschool.  When I think about all they have to remember, I put the title Saint in front of their name.  Bless them.  God has given them many gifts that I am totally in awe of.  Totally in awe of. 

Sometimes I think God has a funny sense of humor.  During all this chaos and activity, He’s blessed me with allergies.  These aren’t normal because even though we’ve come through the Polar Vortex, we are now in the Allergy Vortex.  At this very moment all the alder and birch pollen within a 1,000 mile radius has taken up residence in my sinus vortex and momma can’t think, let alone stay awake for very long. 

When you add this all together you can call this the Mom Failure Vortex.  It is where good intentions meet reality.

Lately I’ve been feeling as though I’m running 100 miles per hour and not getting anywhere.  I feel behind and edgy and that I’m not giving my best.  My people suffer when I’m like this.  I’ve been feeling discouraged. 

Then I read this:

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deut. 31:8)

I promise you, the Holy Spirit has my number on speed dial.  Bless my vortex.

And I came home to a husband who did the dishes and cleaned the showers. 

Somehow it all came into perspective.  Nothing came off my list and none of the responsibilities diminished.  However, in the midst of it all, I had Hope and Joy.  All remnants of discouragement vanished. 

Bless my vortex indeed.

hopes.dreams.plans

The last couple weeks have shown me just how little control I have.  By “little” I mean none.  Not one, single ounce of it. 

I’m someone who had hopes and dreams for the future.  I honestly believed that my hopes and dreams were God’s.  Over the last couple weeks, every hope.dream.plan I had for the future has been obliterated.  They are beyond CPR and the paddles.  In fact, they are dead. 

I’m going to be candid…I didn’t know why.    

I’ve said it many times, but we are in the midst of battle.  It’s dark and hard and ugly.  It is a battle to the death.  All that I had hoped.dreamed.planned was collateral damage.  I have been the target of attacks the last couple weeks.  My character has been questioned and I have had to distance myself from people I dearly love. 

Through all of this, I’m becoming aware of my habit of making plans and then believing that God is in those plans.  I wasn’t trying to do things outside of God’s will, but over time, I turned those hopes.dreams.plans into something that was mine and not God’s. 

God took them away from me.

As I have watched all my hopes.dreams.plans die, I’ve seen God in ways I didn’t expect. 

a stronger marriage

a deeper peace and never-ending comfort

a time for rest in the battle

a deeper understanding of the sin in my life

a hope for His dreams and plans for my life

At every turn I’m being told to let go and be held by God’s hand.  It’s in the songs I hear, the verses I read and the conversations I have.  I used to claim to be a Type-A person who liked plans and organization.  Truthfully, I still do.  However, for the first time in my life, I’m letting go.  I cannot see my future, I cannot formulate plans, and I’m completely at God’s mercy.

I’m thoroughly excited to see where God is taking us. 

I’m letting Him dream for me.

Bare

Over the last several weeks I’ve been experiencing destruction.  Every thought, hope, dream, and desire has been stripped away.  I’ve been laid bare.  As I’ve tried to sort through all the emotions, I keep coming back to one:  grief.

What I have found interesting is that the meaning of grief not only applies to loss, such as death, but also a heavy burden.  The Greek word in the Bible is lupeo.  This means to affect with sadness or to throw into sorrow.  That’s where I’ve been.  The joy of life and the hope of the future vanished and instead, I’ve been thrown into sorrow. 

It’s been a season of many tears, even more unknowns and time on my knees asking God to show me His plan and purpose in this. 

Then I read from my devotion:

Pulling down strongholds is the demolition and removal of these old ways of thinking so that the actual Presence of Jesus Christ can be manifested through us.¹

All of my hopes and dreams have been good, but they are mine.  They are what I desired, not what He desires for us.  They have been a stronghold in my life of keeping me from fully relying on Christ for our future. 

Then I read this:

…repentance precedes deliverance, and deliverance often leads to healing in other areas.¹ 

As I was sitting in church yesterday and our pastor said that we are to confess our sins and then worship, the first naturally progresses to the second. 

Sometimes it’s as though God is speaking directly to me.  He is very clearly demolishing strongholds and leading me to repentance.

Despite all of this, one thing has remained:  peace. 

I’m sitting here today broken, bare and without a thought.  Yet, for the first time in months, I have hope for the future.  Not because I have any expectations, rather a peace that the future is His and a hope that He will deliver me.

¹ “The Three Battlegrounds” by Francis Frangipane

Do not challenge her...

Each night at dinner, Zoe prays.  It started out years ago when she would only do it every so often.  Now she asks to do it.  Even if we do some kind of random game and the last person has to pray, she will rig the game so she's the last one.  I love that she loves to pray.  It warms this momma's heart.

Sunday at dinner, N tried teasing her and said he was the last one to do the game, so it was his turn to pray.  Zoe gave him the stink eye, which involves making her eyes bigger and staring at you.  So N stared back.  As they were doing the stare-down, Zoe says, "Dear God, thank you..."

She started her prayer.  It wasn't until N looked down, that Zoe did too.

This girl is fierce about praying for our meals.  She has an equally fierce wit because this will go down in the memory banks for years to come.  We could barely contain our laughter.

Mythbusters

God has laid something on my heart and I feel compelled to write it down.  Not because someone else needs to see it, but because I’m positive there is going to come a time where I will need the reminder.  As a Christian it is easy to be deceived about what is truth and what isn’t.  Typically in every lie there is a morsel of truth.

I recently read an article from a woman who had lost her child.  She said, “I’ve heard it said that God will not give us more than we can handle, but this is more that I can handle.”  She went on about not being sure she believes in God.

The truth is, no where in the Bible does it say that God will not give us more than we can handle.  We may have temptations that won’t be more than we can handle, but He promises to always give us a way out (1 Corinthians 10:3).  However, there is no promise that says God will not give us circumstances beyond what we can handle. 

I know people who are dealing with all kinds of tragedies – infertility, loss of a child or loved one, addiction, adultery, health issues, bankruptcy, legal issues, divorce, etc.  I could fill this whole blog with a list of things people are dealing with.  These are good people in the midst of terrible circumstances.  Each of these things is part and parcel with life on earth.  Life is hard.  Life isn’t fair.  The reality is, who can handle those circumstances?  The problem with this lie is that it says, “if you can’t handle this, there is something wrong with you.  You have done something to bring this on yourself because God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle.” 

I have been angry with God and upset with my circumstances.  They are, without reservation, more than I can handle.  I’ve had issues with resentment toward God over things in my life that are hard and unfair.  God didn’t stop those things.  In fact, if I’m honest, I am still dealing with them this morning and I don’t understand why it has to be so hard or why I have to deal with it.  I have my moments where I yell at God, tell Him how angry I am and stomp my foot and beat on His chest about the unfairness. 

Whether we like to admit it or not, God doesn’t want the façade we put on for everyone else.  He wants me, in all my anger and resentment to come to Him and tell Him how I feel.  He wants me to scream and carry on and tell Him how upset and hurt I am.  It’s like with any relationship, the more barriers I put up to the real me, the more superficial that relationship becomes.  God doesn’t do superficial.  He does tears and snot running down your face and yelling and screaming and carrying on.  He does real.  He does intimate. 

God doesn’t promise to fix an unfair circumstance and He doesn’t promise to not give us more than we can handle.  He promises to be our refuge and strength:

Psalm 46:1 – God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

For those who come to Him, He promises rest:

Matthew 11:28 – Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

I Peter 5:7 – Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

This life will be struggles, hardships and all things unfair.  I do not have answers as to why.  I know that nothing can separate me from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39), so it isn’t punishment for some past action.  It is life and sometimes there are no answers as to the why. 

I only have answers to the how.  How we get through this is by going to God, giving Him all of our emotions, fears and being real with Him.  He wants our hurts, our worries, our struggles because He cares for us.  If we do that, He promises to be our strength and our refuge.  He promises to give us rest. 

He doesn’t promise to take away our hardships, only to give us the strength to get through them.  He will certainly give me circumstances that are more than I can handle on my own.  He isn’t the God who will dole out circumstances and see how we do.  His promise is to be my strength, my refuge and to give me rest.  He is my ever-present help.