Happy Father's Day

The older I get, the more I realize there are many moments in life that take my breath away.  Today I want to focus on one person that takes my breath away on a daily basis.

This man God had for me is amazing.

The more I spend this life with him, the more amazing I realize he is.  He is, quite simply, perfect.  I’m not saying he is without mistake, because that would just be unreal.  In our family, we only do real.  He is everything I prayed for and all the things only God could know I would need.

He is Godly, always striving to follow God’s plan rather than his own.

He is patient when the situation is oozing with frustration.

He is resilient, strong, and brave.

He is free from chains of sin that used to hold him down.

He is an example to our girls of what a man should be, how they should be treated, and of unconditional love.

He is an example to me of perseverance and unconditional love.

He is my teammate and a rock in this life.

He is smart, thoughtful, and kind.

He is funny, charming, and completely beguiling. 

He is in need of grace and mercy, which he knows and in turn shows grace and mercy to others.

When life hits him with difficulties, he prays and then faces it head-on.

N thank you for making this life interesting.  Thank you for encouraging me, holding my hand, and showing unconditional love.  Thank you for showing our girls what a Godly man is and all the grace, mercy, and love you bestow upon them.  You have given all of us a safe place to land.  You are amazing and each day you take my breath away. 

Happy Father’s Day my love. 

The False Eyelash Scare

It is the end of the school year.  We made it through 1st grade with flying colors.  The last 6 weeks have included:

• Musical Drama Club where Zoe was a mime - completely amazing performance
• Passing her second AWANA book and receiving an award ribbon for it
• A trip to Spokane to get my mom's house on the market - includes building a deck, painting the outside of the house, replacing a dishwasher, electrical outlets, packing, moving, and dumping loads of garbage
• End of year homework
• Dance recital necessities - underwear, make-up, tights, tickets for the recital so Zoe wasn't performing for her imaginary family!
• Awards day - Zoe got a character award for orderliness.  She likes to know what's happening, how to do things and where everyone should be.  Bless her teacher's heart for recognizing a gift that God has given our girl
• Summer activity coordination - swim lessons, acting class, dance class, dance camps, tennis lessons, VBS...
• Field Day participation - my legs are still sunburned
• Rollerskating field trip
• Dentist appointment to get cavities filled and a tooth "wiggled out" (bless those dentists and their understanding of kid fear.  They were so amazing Zoe has no clue how they actually numb her mouth!)
• Dance pictures and recital prep

The last one on the list gave me actual anxiety.  We have a large sheet of paper about recital make-up.  We had specific requirements for what colors, what brands and what all she needs.  Essentially I have made my child look like those Toddlers and Tiaras reality show kids.  According to the paperwork, because she's in preparatory classes, she doesn't need false eyelashes. 

WHAT?!?  False eyelashes? 

The paper said, "we recommend practicing with them prior to the day of the recital.  If you need instruction, please bring them to class and we can help you."

Because I wear tinted moisturizer as a foundation, don't even wear mascara most of the time, and have only worn false eyelashes at my wedding, I'm going to be that parent who needs False Eyelashes 101.

Apparently the kids a couple levels above Zoe, who are like 8, have to wear false eyelashes.  I thought we'd be home free for another year on that false eyelash thing.  NOPE!  Zoe is such a natural at dance, she's skipping preparatory II classes and going straight to false eyelash-wearing dance-naturals class, which is an ironic statement.

Here is my child who, despite the pounds of make-up, can still shine through.

I'm absolutely proud of this kiddo.  She is a friend to all, willing to try, faces fears with a brave heart and loves with all that she is.  God sure has blessed me.

In The Vortex

Do you ever have those times where you’re sure this moment in time is what is going to lead your child straight into therapy when they’re adults?

This week month is full of mom failure. 

Those therapists can thank me later.

We have approximately 6,452,714 things to do with end of year activities.  Around item #3, I start to go glassy-eyed and go to my happy place.  I actually woke up at 3:00 am vaguely remembering an e-mail about dance recital tickets and buying them before they sell out.  I had a mild panic attack that I forgot the date and Zoe would be performing for her imaginary family. 

This is the kind of stress that end-of-year brings.  It’s been testing weeks at school, so I have mild panic attacks during the day that consist of:

Did we have homework last night?  Did I pack her lunch?  Did I pack a snack?  Did she even have shoes on today?  She wanted to wear her dangly earrings and I got busy packing her lunch.  Praise God she got food, but I did forget the earrings.  Then the rest of the day is being concerned that I forgot her earrings and this will make her day the worst day in the history of ever.  Oh the drama!  When that happens, the Holy Spirit has to work on overdrive so there is patience and understanding that only divine intervention can bring and both Zoe and I live to see the next morning.

While I’m trying to process all these “did I” questions, I’m making lists to schedule the hair appointment, the dog grooming appointment (we discovered he’s molting, like losing chunks of winter coat and hello disgusting), buy tickets for the children’s theater play, make the grocery list, make the Costco list, try to remember what days we signed up for snacks, and all the appointments and lists keep coming into my brain.

At this very moment, I’d like to honor parents who have more than one, little person they care for.  We have women in our church with 6 or 7 children, plus they homeschool.  When I think about all they have to remember, I put the title Saint in front of their name.  Bless them.  God has given them many gifts that I am totally in awe of.  Totally in awe of. 

Sometimes I think God has a funny sense of humor.  During all this chaos and activity, He’s blessed me with allergies.  These aren’t normal because even though we’ve come through the Polar Vortex, we are now in the Allergy Vortex.  At this very moment all the alder and birch pollen within a 1,000 mile radius has taken up residence in my sinus vortex and momma can’t think, let alone stay awake for very long. 

When you add this all together you can call this the Mom Failure Vortex.  It is where good intentions meet reality.

Lately I’ve been feeling as though I’m running 100 miles per hour and not getting anywhere.  I feel behind and edgy and that I’m not giving my best.  My people suffer when I’m like this.  I’ve been feeling discouraged. 

Then I read this:

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deut. 31:8)

I promise you, the Holy Spirit has my number on speed dial.  Bless my vortex.

And I came home to a husband who did the dishes and cleaned the showers. 

Somehow it all came into perspective.  Nothing came off my list and none of the responsibilities diminished.  However, in the midst of it all, I had Hope and Joy.  All remnants of discouragement vanished. 

Bless my vortex indeed.

hopes.dreams.plans

The last couple weeks have shown me just how little control I have.  By “little” I mean none.  Not one, single ounce of it. 

I’m someone who had hopes and dreams for the future.  I honestly believed that my hopes and dreams were God’s.  Over the last couple weeks, every hope.dream.plan I had for the future has been obliterated.  They are beyond CPR and the paddles.  In fact, they are dead. 

I’m going to be candid…I didn’t know why.    

I’ve said it many times, but we are in the midst of battle.  It’s dark and hard and ugly.  It is a battle to the death.  All that I had hoped.dreamed.planned was collateral damage.  I have been the target of attacks the last couple weeks.  My character has been questioned and I have had to distance myself from people I dearly love. 

Through all of this, I’m becoming aware of my habit of making plans and then believing that God is in those plans.  I wasn’t trying to do things outside of God’s will, but over time, I turned those hopes.dreams.plans into something that was mine and not God’s. 

God took them away from me.

As I have watched all my hopes.dreams.plans die, I’ve seen God in ways I didn’t expect. 

a stronger marriage

a deeper peace and never-ending comfort

a time for rest in the battle

a deeper understanding of the sin in my life

a hope for His dreams and plans for my life

At every turn I’m being told to let go and be held by God’s hand.  It’s in the songs I hear, the verses I read and the conversations I have.  I used to claim to be a Type-A person who liked plans and organization.  Truthfully, I still do.  However, for the first time in my life, I’m letting go.  I cannot see my future, I cannot formulate plans, and I’m completely at God’s mercy.

I’m thoroughly excited to see where God is taking us. 

I’m letting Him dream for me.

Bare

Over the last several weeks I’ve been experiencing destruction.  Every thought, hope, dream, and desire has been stripped away.  I’ve been laid bare.  As I’ve tried to sort through all the emotions, I keep coming back to one:  grief.

What I have found interesting is that the meaning of grief not only applies to loss, such as death, but also a heavy burden.  The Greek word in the Bible is lupeo.  This means to affect with sadness or to throw into sorrow.  That’s where I’ve been.  The joy of life and the hope of the future vanished and instead, I’ve been thrown into sorrow. 

It’s been a season of many tears, even more unknowns and time on my knees asking God to show me His plan and purpose in this. 

Then I read from my devotion:

Pulling down strongholds is the demolition and removal of these old ways of thinking so that the actual Presence of Jesus Christ can be manifested through us.¹

All of my hopes and dreams have been good, but they are mine.  They are what I desired, not what He desires for us.  They have been a stronghold in my life of keeping me from fully relying on Christ for our future. 

Then I read this:

…repentance precedes deliverance, and deliverance often leads to healing in other areas.¹ 

As I was sitting in church yesterday and our pastor said that we are to confess our sins and then worship, the first naturally progresses to the second. 

Sometimes it’s as though God is speaking directly to me.  He is very clearly demolishing strongholds and leading me to repentance.

Despite all of this, one thing has remained:  peace. 

I’m sitting here today broken, bare and without a thought.  Yet, for the first time in months, I have hope for the future.  Not because I have any expectations, rather a peace that the future is His and a hope that He will deliver me.

¹ “The Three Battlegrounds” by Francis Frangipane