A Litte Sap, Alotta Dress

I'm finding the older I get, the more sentimental I get.  It's really foreign to me.  I usually don't get too weepy over things like Valentine's Day or our anniversary.  I get a little weepy about Zoe's birth, but that's a whole other story. 

It totally took me off guard to have this strong desire to look at our wedding photos and watch our wedding video yesterday in honor of Valentine's Day.  Fortunately I have an all-too-willing daughter who LOVES watching the video.  Sometimes her and Grandma just plug it in for fun.  I, on the other hand, haven't ever watched it.  I'm not really sure why, but it hasn't been something I've ever thought, "yeah, I'll watch my wedding video!" 

I've learned a few things from yesterday that I'd like to share:

1) If you put me on the stage, any stage, for any occasion, I will become a stand-up comedienne.  Apparently I feel a need to make people laugh and enjoy themselves.  This is especially evident when I forgot what the pastor had said and had to ask him to repeat part of our vow about commitment.

2) N and I talked most of the ceremony while the people were singing.  I have no idea what, but I think I may do some dub-over work and create a conversation for us.  That might be a great 10 year anniversary present.

3) I will never forget the look on N's face when I surprised him with the recessional song being the Star Wars Theme song.  The look he had was absolutely priceless.  When I think back to our wedding, that's the first thing I remember. 

4) When I'm in full sentimental mode, it's an all-out process.  Zoe LOVES my dress and plans to wear it when she gets married.  In true princess form, she asked if we had a carriage take us to the reception for dancing.  My darling little girl, I see so much of myself in her. 

5) I'm about 5 pounds or a great corset away from fitting back into my dress.  If that's not the best Valentine's gift anyone could have, then this is:

She LOVED being in my dress and wearing my veil.  She's sending a kiss to daddy in this picture.  I have a feeling a sentimental "Butterfly Kisses" will be the next moment we have when N gets home this weekend. 

Near or Apart

One of Zoe's favorite things to do is watch our wedding video.  She has plans to wear my dress at her wedding, which I think is really sweet.  As soon as the video is over, she's wondering where she was during our wedding.  Since D & E were there, she really doesn't understand.  That leads to a long line of questioning about how that is even possible.  I try to distract her with candy or something because honestly, I don't know how to answer those questions.  Once I told her she was in heaven waiting for God to give her to us.  That started a whole bunch of new questions about heaven and if she was there, she should remember more!  That's a whole other post.

Our wedding was perfect for us.  We have dads who are pastors, so it was a LONG ceremony.  It was so personal because they both know us as a dad would.  N's dad wrote our vows that were special for us.  To be totally honest, I don't really remember them.  I just remember getting choked up part way through. 

The life I had envisioned for us on that day isn't anywhere near where we are today.  I thought we'd have a couple kids, have a house and live happily ever after.  I had no real basis for how much work a marriage is.  Which is actually a HUGE blessing.  I think if I had any idea then what I know now, I would've tucked the train of my dress in and ran.  I wasn't much for challenges then.

Today, on our 6th Valentine's Day as a married couple, I'm amazed at where God has brought us.  How He has guided us despite the fact that we don't deserve it. 

He has used N to show me love.  Despite all our for better or worse, sickness and health, near or apart, that love for each other has been constant and has continued to grow deeper. 

On this Valentine's day, we are apart and yet our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. 

Happy Valentine's day N, you've enriched my life, helped me understand love and made me laugh the entire journey.  I fall more in love with you each day.  XOXO - Kelly

Surprise!

For Zoe's birthday we bought her a battery-operated motorcycle.  A Minnie Mouse one to be exact.  Then the Great Freeze 2012 happened and N couldn't make it home for her big party.  We decided to allow N to have a party in all the celebrations, to wait and give her the motorcycle when N could be there too.

Then three things happened:  we got busy, we forgot we had it and it became too late to give it to her as a birthday present.

We decided to hold onto it until a great time came up.

Last week we were driving into church and Zoe started to cry.  When I asked what she was crying for she said, "I don't think I'm anyone's Valentine!  What if it's Valentine's Day and I don't get anything?  I really want to be someone's Valentine!" 

I totally was prepped for this talk when she's 16, but not 5!  I asked her what she thought would be a good Valentine's present.  She described a battery-operated, pink car.  That's when the light when on that we had something like that.  To make things even better, N was going to be home!  I figured we could work something out. 

We planned to take her to Red Robin for dinner on Friday and then stop by the church.  Grandma was going to run the motorcycle to the church gym, while we were at dinner and then be there for the surprise since Grandma also helped purchase the motorcycle.  Grandma, N and I were all beside ourselves for this surprise.  We knew she'd love it.

On my way home from work on Friday I get a call from Zoe.  When I answered, she yelled, "THANK YOU MOMMY!  THANK YOU SO MUCH!"

I knew she had received her bike. 

N had put the bike together in our bathroom.  It was charging in there, just waiting for the big reveal later that night.  He took Toby outside, Grandma was on the phone and Zoe was on a mission to find her Dora skateboard, which happened to be in our bathroom.

She came out, yanked Grandma's arm and said, "grandma, the motorcycle I've always wanted is in mom and dad's bathroom!"  Grandma stopped her conversation and got immediately mad at N for telling.  He's notorious for not keeping secrets. 

As she was following Zoe into the bathroom, N was coming in with Toby and she realized he didn't know. 

On Friday evening Zoe gave no less than 1,675,894 hugs and thank yous to Grandma, daddy and me. 

We played gas station no less than 1,675,894 times. 

I love our little Valentine!

Choose Joy

I came across a blog called Lil Blue Boo recently.  Truthfully, I'm not sure what really drew me to the blog other than it looked fun.  I really believe that God can direct you to the people He wants you to meet.  Ashley is the author, director, creator of Lil Blue Boo and she is no less than amazing.

She's a wife, mommy, creator, crafter, DIYer and fighter.  Her father passed away recently and in his things they found his motto "Choose Joy." 

I'm a fairly optimistic person.  I do like looking at things as half full rather than half empty.  Ashley and her campaign to Choose Joy each day is inspiring and a wake-up call to me to really look at life differently.

If you have a few minutes, take a look at her blog.  You might just be inspired to Choose Joy too!

Sunday's Date

Sundays are usually a day of getting in last hugs and kisses before N goes back to the dam.  Then Zoe and I spend the rest of the day doing laundry and trying really hard to stay entertained.  Because Grandma is home too, Zoe usually doesn't want to play with me, she always wants Grandma to play too.  I always try to think of things that will get us out of the house, but usually she's not interested.  I've tried playing at the mall (her favorite), going out for dinner at Red Robin (her favorite), going bowling (her favorite), painting pottery (she's never done it and really wants to), etc.  I pull out all the stops so we can get out of the house, give Grandma some time to herself and keep Zoe entertained. 

Plus, I really love going on dates with my kiddo.  She's funny and we can take her anywhere. 

Yesterday was the same story.  I suggested anything I could think of and nothing sounded fun.  Until I mentioned a movie. 

She was all over that.  She couldn't decide if she wanted to find a movie first or just get her shoes.  We picked Beauty and the Beast in 2D.  I told her what 3D was like and she wasn't interested.  I'm glad we didn't because about 5.2 minutes into it I realized that I don't think she's seen the movie before.  We have it, but it's not one that I can recall we've watched. 

About the same time she asked to sit on my lap.  Then the Beast appeared out of no where, scared Belle's father and Zoe jumped.  Then she started crying and wanting to leave.  I had to whisper in her ear everything that was going to happen so she wouldn't be scared. 

As the movie was over, she started crying again and wanting to leave.  When I asked why she was crying, she replied between gasps for air, "it just ended so happy!" 

She is so my child. 

We ended the night with ice cream and a craft at home.  As I was tucking her into bed last night, I was rubbing her back and singing to her when she tooted.  She turned to look at me and said, "you're welcome."

She is so her daddy's girl.

All the random...

HappyGroundhog's day!  Phil saw his shadow.  I guess it's another 6 weeks of winter.  Since Phil is only right 39% of the time, it's anyone's guess.  I heard someone talking about market predictions for 2012 and he cupped his hand next to his mouth as if to whisper and whispered, "we don't really know for sure."  I think that could be Phil's motto too.  Although his Inner Circle is positive that they also speak groundhog and that his chirps and clicks meant winter.  Really, do you want to brag, outside of Punxsutawney that your part of the Inner Circle and claim to be a groundhog whisperer? 

Today is a dentist appointment for Zoe.  She had a little mental breakdown last night about the dentist.  She cried, asked if I would hold her hand and then proceeded to wail about going to the dentist.  I think it was totally being tired.  When she's tired she also complains that she doesn't want to be 5, she loved being 4!  Tired = Oscar caliber performance.

In about an hour I'll be holding the hand of a 5 year old we pretend is still 4 and praying that some sleep gave her some perspective on things.

I realized this morning that I haven't done laundry in about 9 days.  I'm running dangerously low on necessities.  On the positive side of the equation, I have more clothing choices then I've been keeping in the normal rotation.  It's been a good exercise.

Finally, I'm a little reluctant to mention it, but the ladies at work have been talking non-stop about The Bachelor.  I think I watched the final rose ceremony of the first Bachelor and the first Bachelorette.  Beyond that, I haven't watched at all.  I don't really buy into true love on reality TV in 6 weeks.  With the exception of Trista and Ryan, my average is better than Punxsutawney Phil's 39%.  It sounds like this new season is Jersey Shore meets Real World meets Bad Girls.  While I haven't watched the show, I feel like I can comment on it with all the details I get at work. 

I really have no reason to mention that other than the fact that it's been the highlight of work this week and it's part of all the random of my life.

Happy Groundhog's Day, 6 more weeks of winter, dentist appointments, Oscar caliber performances and finding true love on TV.  

1,827

I think there’s a saying that you can’t see the forest through the trees or something close to that. As I look back on the last several years, that’s the absolute truth. As I look back on my life, there are things that I’ve always wished were different. Yet, the older I get I realize that to do that, it would ruin God’s plan for my life. Every single thing, both good and poor choices, have brought me to this moment.

I love this moment.

It’s imperfectly perfect.

We were talking about the day of Zoe’s birth yesterday. It was the 5th anniversary of her amazing birth. It’s funny to think, but that’s not the day I remember. It all seems foreign to me. I woke up in ICU 5 years ago today and am pretty sure I looked like I had been abducted by aliens and they were experimenting on me. I learned that it took the ICU people 1 hour to hook me up to all the tubes, IVs, medication, etc. My first question to my mother yesterday, who was thinking she was watching her daughter dying, was, “why didn’t you get a picture of me hooked up to all that stuff?” I would’ve loved to have seen that. I can’t really imagine being hooked up to a ventilator and having a 5 IV poles supplying me with all kinds of good and powerful drugs. You’d think I should be like the Green Lantern or one of those X-Men with all the things they pumped into me. Really, how cool would that be? You almost died giving life to your child, to make up for not getting to meet her that day and having things go as planned, you can have one superhero power of your choice! That may be one thing I talk to God about.

As we were chatting about it, Zoe asked, “what present did you get me on the day I was born?” You know, birthdays = presents. I told her I gave her life. She was totally disappointed that I didn’t even have a stuffed animal or cute outfit. She has no clue how unprepared we were.

We were unprepared in so many ways. There is no shortness of God’s grace and mercy through the whole thing. It was like He was saying, “you kids got WAY off track and I’m bringing you back the hard way. Love you!” I always picture God throwing that “love you” in there to soften the blow.

The farther away I get from that day, the more I think, “I could do it again.” Which is totally ridiculous. I really should’ve died...two separate times. Yet here I am. Apparently God’s not ready for me yet and really, can you blame Him? I can be a handful. I’d probably be up there yelling down at N and Zoe to brush their teeth, put their dishes in the sink, go on a date to get ice cream rather than watch ANOTHER Wizards of Waverly Place! Since He could see all of this, He probably figured N could deal with it for another few decades! It builds character.

Sometimes I can get bogged down in life. Life is hard, stressful and chaotic. Yet it is full of so much joy that I can’t stand it sometimes. The happiest moments make me cry more than the hard ones. Yesterday was a reminder of all that I’ve been blessed with and how awesome this life is, stress and all. How fortunate I am to have had these past 1,827 days as Zoe’s mom and N’s wife. How fortunate we are that N almost lost me because I’m not sure these last 1,827 days would’ve been as cherished as they have been. I’m known to have rules and be a little OCD. Bless him.

Zoe’s birthday brings many milestones, but one reminder: choose joy!